Wednesday, July 26, 2006

tHe "i" iN iRoNy

dear jess

there are a few ironies in life that amuse me greatly, and most of them are often found within religions.

Ironically, no place judges greater, forgets longer, or hates harder than within the four walls or religions, churches, mosques, and the places that preach love, peace and all the wonders in the world.

Its ironic that love by definition is supposedly free of judgment, pre-conceived ideas and discrimination but instead it was meant to be wholly enveloped in grace, benefit of doubts and kindness.

Now. What happens if I fell in love with a scruffy looking drunkard and was going to get married to him in the midst of all my Christian friends? I would then be subjected to scrutiny, madness, a lot of anger and the very thought that I must have not really grown up a Christian because im loving the very man that didn’t get a university education?

Wait did you say university education?

Ironic. Ironic that some churches proudly claim that they will discriminate you if you marry a non-christian. But why is it that they don’t discriminate you if you were business partners with a non-Christian?

I understand that in many a cases we are constantly an irony to ourselves. You see I fear. I fear that one day I will be too flexible in light of avoiding being to legalistic.

Ironic, charles spurgeon was a great speaker with a bad smoking habit. Is he remembered for his sin or his faith?

If and most likely when I do end up in the asylum it would most definitely be because I couldn’t come to peaceful terms of all the ironies that live within my head.

I try to do so many things right that I end up doing everything wrong.

The irony is in me. the irony is in that I will as hard as I try to want to hang around with my churchy friends who seemingly do everything right and seemingly end up marrying the right people that i never will bother to try.

I am the irony. I am the irony who may or may not end up with that “drunkard.” I am – I assure you the irony that you will one day stand there and judge me for seemingly making the wrong choices and picking the wrong man because he was more a charles than a charles spurgeon.

I am that irony and that one day when you “tsk” at me just remember, that of all the in capabilities of life that I ended up with, i have found, and I hope I do find the courage to say that I’m not afraid of loving someone I know no one will ever approve of.

It’s a sad state to be in. What I would give to be normal and go “tsk.”


Monday, July 17, 2006

WhErE hAvE aLL tHe yOuNg mEn gOnE?

we have rubber trees because rubber trees were brought here from Brazilby the British. Chilli is not indigenous. Chilli was imported from South America 500 years ago. What comes from Malaysia? We buy our rice from Thailand now and our sarongs from Indonesia. Was the novel invented in Malaysia? No. Did we invent film and television? Is painting indigenous to Malaysia? No. Is abstract art an outgrowth of weaving mengkuang? Like f*** it is. So why should anybody expect me to be original? It angers me when after hundreds of years of importing aspects about other people's culture some politician in a 4000 ringgit Italian suit complains about Western values and such-and-such a thing is not from our culture. Our culture is everybody else's culture. We've never had our own. Deal with it and grow up. Would you like some coffee? No? It's Colombian

-Huzir Sulaiman. Notes on Love, Life and Painting.

dear jess

I am halfway; or rather two pages into kee thuan chye’s 1984 Here and Now. Being a “drama student” I never read it till now. It’s a script after the 1969 events outspokenly talking about issues of racism, biasness & political unfairness in our country.

Its daring. Its truthful. Worse of all, its honest.

You have all this Independence Day events when youths try to explain what freedom means to a 3rd generation Malaysian.

Sometimes I think we have stopped fighting or we’ve been fighting for all the wrong reasons. We dare not speak up because it really won’t change anything or we would rather just get into the rat race and make the most of how much cheese we can bite.

We have somehow become like the frog in that sitting pot where the water is getting hot and we’ve adapted to the heat of unequality; if we are born into a different skin colour we have different privillages simply apparently because we aren’t the ‘original’ country men.

What’s worse than that?

Refusing to say anything because standing up for our rights could mean our security, lives, comfort for causing ‘political uprising’

We are the ones causing political uprising?

What’s even worse than that?

We haven’t done anything about it since before the 70’s.

What’s even worse than that ?

We are really comfortable where we are and we’ve accepted that we are being treated unfairly and have adapted to it.

Happy independence day. We should start celebrating early this year.



Friday, July 14, 2006

pEniS eNvY

dear jess,

its true.

there is so much of pressure living without that organ in between our legs.

you would think im crude. and i would have just made my first point.

ive come a long way from being a female equAL rights person to simply just wondering how i became a female. ive done my fair share of male bashing and this is definitely not one of them.

there is so much pressure just because my organs look different. not only do we have to live up to the expectations of men that we need to look 'presentable' if not hot, we need to pretend that we havent dated too many men before you; when we drive a car at night we need to be extra cautious, we need to be saved, protected and at the same time look after your ego's whilst remaining pretty and pure.

we need to bear your child and at the same time loose the baby fat.

when we travel alone we need to worry about getting raped and robbed or followed and stalked. you just need to worry about where to get the cheapest beer.

when we follow our desires its selfish, when you do, its honourable and inspiring.

when we listen to you talk, we nod and support despite thinking its selfish, when we talk, we get written out as being emotional and irrational.

see, i get it that we are different. i just cant stand it.

all because of an extra flesh..

And no, im not gonna apologise for being "crude."



Thursday, July 13, 2006

nOticE: iN neEd oF neW bAck

dear jess,

what would you like to know?

i drove in to kajang today, and realised that some roads have changed causing my mind confusion, and yet in the many inner parts of it, plenty had yet changed. the roads leading to buildings grey and old, the dodgy boys who would holler at anything with two legs that wasnt male; still do, the dusty misty air, the stationary shop, the shopping complex, the same satay stalls i ate at when i was in first year uni, second year uni, third year uni..

its so easy to scoff at places and people that havent changed at the same time many of us look for familiarity because we can relate as well as condescend.

this is why im a stubborn believer that people dont change. people become grumpier and more vocal of what they think they deserve in life, but rarely do people change much. people stop habits, grow prettier or uglier but rarely do they become better.

so im a pessimistic, or ive failed ot hope in humankind.

or perhaps its just ive heard from boys returning from london (thats a fast changing country) or girls from who knows where quickly stating how things and people havent changed. how the church still have pews and people still do the same thing.

perhaps its true people do change. they so quickly forget how a crappy old place they came from and use to eat satay at meant something at one point. and they quickly scoff that it hasnt changed because in contrast they think they have changed, simply because now they dress better or have body piercings.

i guess you know by now i can't stand hypocritical people who been away and think theyre better (silence the 't' if youve been abroad please) than us. however, if i ever make such statements, its because im better than you. (dont forget, annunciate the better with a silent "t")

in the meanwhile, the only thing that needs a good change around me is my back.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

it looks like the heavens are opening right on the ship. brought back so many sweet memories of me helpin out there ten years ago sigghhh Posted by Picasa

sunset on the ship Posted by Picasa

Monday, July 03, 2006

..cHasiNg rAinBows..

dear jess,

I find myself forever explaining. In my head it runs like a lifelike wheel trying to explain every actions I do for my past and my present. Fortunately ive come to some conclusions.

Whilst I write this I think of two women I know. One is due for china and the other spain, one for a few months and the other undetermined, and both alone, out of passion the need to learn and much more.

Women I would at any day take my hats off too.

Like I said, conclusions. Ive come to the conclusions, consciously that I will in the near as well as distant future be doing things that most people will not agree with me. the man I marry, if at all will most likely end up on the list of ten men I should last date made up by my mum and maybe even the family.

It’s a strange realization to come to. For the last twenty million years of my life I have always seek the approval of people around me, even if they didn’t know me well, and risking to sound like a rebellious teenager its time to accept these changes in me.

The mothers of the women leaving have mothers that would’ve freaked ( I know one did a little ;)) to hear their dagther go, my mother may or may not think whats wrong with my daughter wanting to date this guy? My friends may think that im stupid and that those decisions are wrong. And ive had that happen to me. unfortunately for me, at many points of my life i listened and let too much.

Here’s the thing world.

I see some of my dreams being phased out and away. I dunno if my heart will reach its desire to see the world. I dunno if the man im gonna marry is going to end up being a good father or a husband. I dunno if ill pick the ‘right one.’

But theres one thing I know. Im going to make the “wrong” decision. And all you can do is watch.

It delights me that we live in an age when women I know can one day tell their children they’ve gone out to see the world, on their own. I just hope hard that one of those women may be me someday.

Have a good life.