..dEaR jEsS sErIeS....

42

2011-09-01T20:38:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

a word of warning. being an adult means having more debt. clearly. :) instead of trapezing the world and having spare change to buy a handbag, it all goes into the house fund. ha. ha. of course this is just the normal definition of an adult.

still, there's much joy in having to put every hour and energy into the "new" house. houses these days are expensive, but the earlier you buy the better. buy a few months, worse still a few years later and the price hikes.

yesterday i painted the first coat of the undercoat of the walls and railings. tired. yeap - beyond tired. i went home and went to bed, and couldn't because my arms were aching. almost as if they were resonating to a tune or something. the last time that happen was when i was in vietnam, after canoing through limestones.

and then, theres the effect of watching a haunted show, and wondering if my house - dare i even say it out loud is "safe". its hilarious, my mind replays the show i watched! still, its mine. and i wish it was better- for instance i wish the grills were different and i had hard wooden floors. but u know, this is not the case.

its tough, i use to go shopping whenever i wanted and had money to "waste" on steaks and beers. :) well, the sacrifices we make right. im there, painting the railings and thinking this could be the house i bring up kids in, and the memory of me painting like a mad person will soon be distant. or this could be the house i shift out of in five years, who knows right.

oh well, my Father's mansion has many rooms, and maybe the one for me has hard wooden floors in it. :)

jess

sometimes it doesn't matter how you StART, but how you end

2011-06-24T01:12:00.010+08:00

dear jess,

i was looking through my blog. it was interesting. it represented sides to me even i had forgotten existed. like it was meant, a diary that everyone could peek into. much has happened since i've written. clearly, neglected this for a long, long time.

2011 has been the year that i came into with similar expectations. that it wouldn't be as good as 2010 because there were so many high points in 2010 for me. nevertheless, there have been good times. it is after all, almost half the year

2011 has been challenging. and particularly at one school, which has given me hell since last year. i wont go into details but clearly, they've managed to make me cry on annual basis. in addition, ive made a major purchase on property- or at least am trying to, that too has been super challenging! and all the stresses just dumped on me at the same time, and stretched over.

however, there are always glimpses of hope. we had an awesome time with the StART charity run. i got to drive a triton for 10 hours, and my sis got to drive the pajero sport. we were all in the support cars and it was pretty fun and scary at times.

but as in all things, there are all sorts of people out there. alex ran 100km and he was always a good example, smiling and acknowledging everyone with eye contact as they cheered him on, even when he was exhausted! and we could tell!! he really is one of a kind :)

(pic from The Star)

the aim was to collect 100 k and alex would rum 100km (thats the same distance from here to melaka!) some people really touched my heart. i asked and fb status it, but there was so little response. i didnt get it. i mean, it was just 10 bucks minimum, and we'd pay more for starbucks!! and then, one of our students, william, himself pledged!! enough said right?! but at the end of the day we collected more than our target. :)

on a personal note. i think it is very difficult for people to be kind. especially in word and deed. say something nice, be someone nice. run a 100 km and still smile. and it is in circumstances like these that you see a persons true nature. light a candle, and instead of getting a kind thank you, someone screams at you for making a mistake. walk away and instead someone screams at you for straying away.

you can be here, and think you are doing something good, but in reality you were hurting someone around you. life is strange because we see ourselves through this one lens, and blame circumstances for the way we act.

its not about how many km's we ran, its about how we ran it.

yours,

jess

2011-04-07T00:52:00.003+08:00

dear free spirit,

seriously? in my so called adulthood, i am still unsure of who i am and what i want. sometimes it makes you wonder if all the other "adults" know what they're doing or they're just winging it. i don't know, you know. i had a dream the other day and i think it scared me into waking up.

i was getting married.

bam. rude awakening! oh how i am hearing mocking voices already.

if i had my wish, what and who would i really be? have i succumbed to circumstances and people around me that i am too afraid of hurting?

you know, when you travel, its a weird thing. you'd meet all types of people. the man who's had six kids and looking for a one night- but would tell her upfront, the charming guy who falls head over heels in love with you after meeting you for a night, and you'd wonder, what could've or would've been? everyone, when travelling, takes a risk, they free themselves from who they have to be and just let themselves be. they live a little, risk a little. they take that surfboard into the ocean and think not of the consequences and ride the waves.

for a while, they let their spirit run free.

sometimes, when you're in your 30s but feel like you're in your 20s, just starting out and wanting to mold and shape your life. finding out if you should commit, but everyone around you seems certain, holding their annoying crying babies and telling you they have a wonderful life.

being an adult is so boring. i just wish i had the guts to live my life young.

jess

where art thou?

2010-09-25T00:59:00.004+08:00

dear jess,

gosh, does anyone write anymore? or for that matter read...?? clearly, i haven't been doing much of any lately. its the last few months as the year closes.. i suppose i should tell you one of the few things thats happening in my life.

after six years of not being on stage, i'm finally in the midst of preparing for a performance! me- not only acting, but acting, singing and get this- dancing! ive always managed to make a 180 the minute i see an audition post that requires me to sing and dance.

i remember as we bumped in on the night of THSE and i stood on the stage alone. the smell- the feeling.. it was as if i was on stage again- i was pushed back into time, and i was on stage- theatres that now no longer even exist! there was a yearning... the one inside me that i thought i had put to rest, but clearly was very much alive.

sometimes, when i allow it too- i start to think of people that have "started" their journey in theatre with me. some of them are now directors, professional actors and even scriptwriters. many years back that ate some parts of me.

here i was, and i had very little "accomplished" what i would name as my passion.. or at least what i initially came to love- acting, being on stage.. it seemed like parts of me had to go on stage one more time, just to see..

no doubt, this is what i enjoy, but, part of me whispers to the other part of me, that i can leave this behind. that i would be happy living in a state that has no theatre. i can be happy not having to put myself out there, auditioning, seeing my peers live out my initial dream. i could. i would not be bitter, in fact i never thought i'd feel this way.

but perhaps, every once in the while when the beast awakens in me, i will feel otherwise and i will crave that longing, to be on stage, in character, making the audience laugh, and perhaps one day, cry.

in the meantime, see you on stage,
jess

beauty and the beast

2010-06-07T02:15:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

i got a glimpse of what its like to be a mother. perhaps thats the funniest part of teaching- it takes years before you get "paid." i sat in the hall and then there he was, my ex theatre student. this class was especially special to me. i know, we're not suppose to pick favourites but seriously who are we kidding right? i had 16 kids and what made me particularly love this class was that they all had a sense of humour, talent, and chemistry. plus it was the only class i thought for 3 years straight.

there were more than one of my ex kids on stage but i was particularly proud of him. because he use to come in class, crack his jokes and for some reason was always the outcast, despite his talent. in addition, he refused to audition for the previous productions when i asked him too, telling me he didnt want to sing.

there he was today! singing and dancing, and acting! how does one not feel proud?! sometimes i feel like i did something in their lives, but sometimes i feel that it really is their talent, and i was just fortunate enough to be a part of their talent.

i had an overwhelming emotion sitting there, between almost tearing to smiling incessantly like an idiot.

im so proud of my babies..

your mama,
jess

scrooge

2010-05-01T00:57:00.002+08:00

dear jess,

i realise that i am the scrooge of weddings. and possibly the only one i know who dares say that i am not a fan of weddings. i find it also a tad annoying sometimes.. i know, now my friends must be thinking that if i thought that of their wedding. perhaps not.

its quite hard to explain. i don't hate the people getting married, neither do i think that its not something to be celebrated. however, i find myself thinking every now and then- do people REALLY want to see your wedding photos in facebook? do people really want to know how you met? and why you think your guy is the best person to be married to? what makes you think i want to take home a picture of you and your newlywed no matter how nice the picture is?

right, maybe thats it. the seemingly full of their selfness that comes across at weddings? or perhaps that i sometimes have to sit down through a speech that gave the bride's full on resume.. or take home a candle that i will never burn? (which i find strangely hard to resist)

i wonder what the ghosts of past, present and future will have to say about this. haha.

still, i am looking forward to some weddings this year. i am, as always a contradiction on so many levels.

jess

tong tong chAng

2010-02-11T01:59:00.005+08:00

dear jess.

happy cny in advance- while we're at it, happy "intrudu" and valentines. :) haha. last year i had so much fun at intrudu, the 40days before lent water festival. unfortunately this year i don think i can go for the water throwing festivities although technically i'll be in melaka. i guess i have to be the good daughter and come down with my folks instead of going down the day earlier, play water on the first day of CNY and get my folks to drive themselves down.

thats me in the chinese newspaper :P

(*side track- the person on d far left, danny, passed away boxing day 09, taking his life tragically due to depression. he was such a fun and cheerful guy and we didnt know he suffered. mental illness is serious and there is no shame in seeking medical attention. malaysians should be encouraged to seek physchiatric treatment and counselling without hesitation.)

i remember last year, it didnt feel like it was a start to the new year, and cny was our "second chance." saying that you know what - let's do this again and get it right this time :) haha. this year however, its been great. i think it helps that i have a couple of new things. namely my BABY :) i love my new car sooo much :) it feels like in some way this is my first car, because i chose it and im gonna be footing the bills as well. dont get me wrong i loved my old car, in fact as i was driving it one last time i almost cried! haha i flashed back to when i use to drive it around bangi and kajang, times when i sat in it crying and even when i hit into other cars.. that car was so heavy and turning it was awful! but it brought me everywhere, my first teaching jobs... ahhh

so yeah ive been so fixated on my baby, i will park, come out and imagine if anyone might hit into it, so i'd repark. i will clean the carpets and try to get that tiny dirt, i will go crazy when my dad doesnt off the aircond before turning off the engine or start it without waiting for the signal to go off. it actually hurts me physically. its strange for me because ive always been so laid back about everything.

:)

anyways where was i? oh yes, new things. the other thing, that i think has gotten me pretty excited about the year is that artistically i have been doing - or trying to do some new things at school(s) and at church. i have been in the church arts comm for years, and i remember and admit that it has been a chore some times. and especially when it comes to church plays, it feels like you have done the same things over and over again. i suppose partially thanks to my "sidekick" i don't feel like im doing this alone and since this year, having been able to bounce off ideas with someone made it feel soooo fulfilling. my sidekick is leaving this year :(

anyways, this year we found a piece that remarkably is different from the previous years - in addition we will be performing in PJLA! a "real" theatre! our group! i am so excited and sooo freaked out at the same time. my mind is running with the things we need to do and so on so forth.

so. its going to be my year this year :) make it yours too!

have a great CNY!

xoxo
jess

nEw yEaR, oLd bLOg

2010-01-02T01:54:00.006+08:00

dear jess,

im trying to remember the year. clearly i have an awful memory. i cant even remember what i did last week. so reminiscing is kinda hard. so ive looked thru my photos.. let seeeee

i went to cambodia with k. it was nice, i remember the being in awe and overwhelming feeling when i first stepped into angkor wat. i wonder if i will get to travel to somewhere new this year..

skip a few months..

my youngest and second youngest cousins get married, leaving mua to be the last girl on my mums side who's not married (woohooo). i reckon tho its just me who realises this :P

i discover...

hoegaarden, patron and drinks of all sorts.. its not that i haven't been drinking before this, but ive never been much of a beer drinker till i travelled this year and it was too hot, with beer being the best way to cool down :)

leaving me a beer belly..

i was gonna put more photos, but of course its just too much work :) im not gonna account my year as what ive done and have not done, accomplished and more likely- not accomplished. maybe these are just snapshots in my life.

you know, as it reached the end of the year i was a little bit sad, as always. i guess i wanted what rueben has with his family. every christmas they have the whole family down from all over, and since his mum has 6 siblings (or something) they have a huge family. family dinners, and even family gift exchange, family quiz trivias, AND annual uncle versus nephew football match! i mean who wouldnt enjoy a family like that right?

it made me a little sad, i started to remember when my extended family use to do that, see each other over the holidays, travel together, have sunday dinners ..

just saying. sometimes it feels that im the only one who wants to achieve a tradition like this. maybe i should just have 6kids and make them come back for christmas next time. maybe i'm being dramatic, but it feels like i have a hole to this window and i know that if some things arent preserved now, we will loose it soon enough.

here's to 2010. i have a wonderful list of resolutions i am happy to have penned down, divided into quarterly year to-do's :) gain a new skill, read a whole lot of books and saving are just some of them.

i know that the year will disappoint me and i will disappoint me and people around me will disappoint me. i'm sure there will be deaths and celebrations all round. still, we do the best we can and let Him do the rest.

yours,
jess

do my things own me or do i own my things?

2009-12-13T00:08:00.004+08:00

dear jess,

i was asleep on my bed and the phone rang. it was a saturday. usually on a saturday when my phone rings i choose to be selfish and not pick it up. simply because it means that some irresponsible teacher didn't make it to teach her sat class and im being called to see if i "can" go in. i have never gone in. i let the phone ring. then, conscience nudges me. i feel bad for my friend, who owns the business and i tell her i'll teach.

so up i go, and out of the house to which my mums car is parked outside. she lets me use it but asks me to put petrol in it. she tells me to wait whilst she goes to get her diners card. i wait. i see a bike on the road headed towards me. i felt the instict nudge me, i react. my brain says lock the door. i press the window instead- this wasn't my car, and in my immediate reaction, i press where the lock would be on the other car that we own that isn't mine. i look at the rear mirror, i see the second guy on the bike get off and come near me. i see my mum on the side of my eye coming out of the house, unaware. he opens the door. my hand reaches for the bag that is mine, my phone falls out giving me peace that he wont grab that no matter what. i see his hands, inches away from me and i hear my mum shout "BABI, BABI"!! the bag is in my hand and he rushes off, without anything.

here's the thing. this is the second time it has happened to me. in broad day light, outside my house and the last time too i wasnt in my car, but the door was locked and i had noticed them before they had made their "move." that was MORE than a year ago and ever since everytime i hear the sound of a kapchai my legs become soft. so just as i was getting "over" it, now its happening all over again.

do you know what went through my mind when i knew i was about to get robbed? "my iPhone, my iPhone!!!." it was two weeks old. it was a gift. and i have never had a phone as advanced as this and i remember thinking to myself when i got it, dammit, now i have to take care of it really well. i would've been fine with loosing the rest of my phones before this, in fact not till last year did i have a phone that played music!

the other thing that went through my mind was my coach wallet!

that's about all the things i own that really costs something, apart from my laptop and my camera.

i hate it. i mean i really like the things i have, but i liked it when life was simpler. just bring my IC, money and use the public phone. well, no i hated the public phone.

you know, everytime i go in my car i lock the doors immediately, plus it helps that the passenger seat on my left is spoiled. im aware, im paranoid and im always checking the rear when i see the motorbikes. i saw these idiots and i knew what was going to happen next, but none of this would've been what it would've been if God was not with me, watching me, and practically giving me peace. it felt like it was a slow motion, i was so calm, i was clear and i had no fear. i wish that God would punish these type of people, but all i really wanna say is that My God is an AWESOME God, and He is very real. :)

yours uploading this with an iPhone. (haha kidding)

jess

wish list

2009-10-16T20:39:00.003+08:00

i wish right at this moment im away on an island watching the sunset with music playing in the background, and the invention of facebook hasn't touch the island. :)

i wish right at this moment i had no list of expectations of other people.

i wish right at this moment that all the wrongs in the world had been made right..

i wish that people didn't update their facebook status everyday.

i wish that men (and women) stop referring to things as "she" and make lame excuses that its because they love the object. bring us back forty years why don't you.

i wish my thumb will start functioning again.

i wish that my grandmother was alive.

maybe all i really wish is for heaven on earth.

i wish i cared :)or maybe cared less. i wish i knew.

i wish that it didn't have to be me every easter and christmas. isn't that the truth.

i wish there was a point to this all.

now you wish you hadn't started reading my pointless list. :)

taLk is CheAp

2009-07-26T00:29:00.004+08:00

dear diary,

how do i write this letter to you? i know i've heard the saying that i shouldn't wash my dirty laundry in public. of course, perhaps this isn't my dirty laundry directly. but this really breaks my heart.

you know, when i was teaching this drama class, my kids were made to write their own story. this young girl of 12 wrote a story about an old lady that she saw begging one day for money. she asked her mum why the woman had to beg for money at such an old age, and her mum replied, its because her children wouldn't take care of her. that's such a random answer don't you think? one of those that you tell your kids so that you make sure that they take care of you when you're old?

and you would think that these things just don't happen to your family or friends, people whom you KNOW have "integrity." and then strange things happen, children who argue with their parents, stop supporting them, stop speaking to them..

i know a man. a man who has had to endure just this. he has lost weight, he looks like he wants to cry when he speaks and he is filled with grieve and sadness that you can see when you look into his eyes. i look away, because if i stare into it, i know i too will cry.

i know this man, and he is gentle, loving and forgiving.

i know this man, and he does not deserve to be treated this way.

at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who the heck is right and who the heck is wrong. and when you are a family the longer you take to forgive, the longer everyone suffers.

this is why i am sure, that the greatest weapon the devil has is pride. he lets us to believe the lies that we are good and forgiving is a privillege.

who are we? who have we become? do we give our money to people who deserve it? NGOs? do we make the effort to make sure our parents, relatives, are not in need? who have we become that we can allow our fathers and forefathers to be in a moments need of basic necessities??

it makes me so mad and so sad at the same time. with every ounce of energy in me i hope i can make this right.

The twelve year old ends hear story by saying to her mum "mummy, don't worry you will never have to beg for money because i will take care of you."

yours,

jess

lain-lain

2009-07-15T16:12:00.001+08:00

dear me..

I was flying back from Cambodia, when this Portuguese man behind me started to chat up a Singaporean. He was telling the lady of the Portuguese in Melaka, what they spoke etc etc. In some aspects he knew more than the Singaporean whose only claim to fame was “yeah, I have a Eurasion classmate.”

When I was growing up, people didn’t understand what I was, so they rudely called me in Cantonese “cap chong” or however one would romanize Cantonese. Today, one of my friends have said this to me before – in response to my excitement for what we Eurasions have for Christmas. “oh having your curry debel is it?” You know with sarcasm included. Then, there’s those who insist that I don’t speak “enough” kristang.

Being me can be oh so tiring (feign faint)

But seriously. I’ve had this “privilege” in the last few years of knowing more Portuguese people outside the realm of my family members. “they” have their own culture and even similar speaking intonations. Its very curios.

They on the other hand criticize other Portuguese people who have gone to the city, in a way not speaking the language or knowing their roots.

Race can be such a bore in this country. You’re too much this, you’re too little this. My dad’s forefathers came from Thailand. So apparently I might be part Thai.

Now. If you’re a mix of everything and anything and don’t look like a supermodel or a hot deejay all you’re gonna get is a bunch of idiots living in a multicultural nation who don’t understand you or even try too. They try to understand what the big deal is but they don’t care.

In fact, you don’t realise what any big deal of anything is until someone dissess you, or who you are. Chinese people go back to China, because they insist that’s what they are. If Portuguese, Dutch or British (why are there so few British mixed Malaysians? In fact I don’t know of any) that say they want to go back to their country to see their roots, or semi roots, trust me, Malaysians will just roll their eyes over.

Why is it that what I am doesn’t seem real?

I love being part Chinese and I love being part Portuguese. Even more, I love being both.

We kill our own culture. We mock others because we think that they aren’t “chinese” or “eurasion” enough because they don’t do or know some things. It’s like that myth of the snake eating its own tail.

We kill things we don’t understand. At the end of the flight, the man got to talking to me, and said I did look like his kinsmen because of my skin colour. Funny you should say, because most people think that “Portuguese” means white skin, sharp nose.

I find myself defending my one side more than the other. My friend wrote a play and we were called “lain-lain.” Remember those crap boxes with only three major races to tick? I was “lucky” cos I got to put Chinese. He felt like he had no identity, he was just “others.”

We’ve got such a horribly long way for a country with so many types of people.

That is all.

Ps.
Why do most if not all Chinese girls put peace signs when they take photos? Do they seriously think that is cute? And some Chinese guys too!!!

yours,
jess

maybe i ShouLd reNaME my bLoG to "rAndOmnEsS"..

2009-06-12T03:58:00.004+08:00

dear jess,

we all have a mental, emotional, semi concious depiction of how our life would or should be. even if we think that we think that :) we are just "going with the flow." we would like the expression of having a "white picket fence" life. some people imagine even how many kids they should have! some aim to live overseas and some feel destined to certain jobs.some have even NAMED their "kids."

of course for some reason, i would love having to be explained to the "fact" that women dream of their wedding day. do they? do they REALLY??? cause i dont, and i dont actually know of anyone who does! what is there to dream of really?

now, as skeptical as iam, which clearly i am, there's no harm in dreaming or hoping. but is it not kinda strange when you think about it. how you plan all these things. for example, marriage and naming kids, that kinda involves someone else, who has equal "white picket fence" dreaming..

all these imagined dreaming can give false expectations. still, i digress. of course, i dont think i actually have a point. maybe a few then again.

its 4am and im hungry.

yours,
jess

so wHo ReaLLy did WiN iDoL?

2009-05-28T00:34:00.003+08:00

even on idol, voting sounds so much like politics. if it is true, despite thinking yeah lambert really deserves it, i'd hate to be in kris's shoes. you suck AT&T if this is true. good grief!

Adam Lambert and Kris Allen arrive at the American Idol Season 8 Grand Finale held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on May 20, 2009 in Los Angeles, CA. Jason Merritt/Getty ImagesUs Magazine The New York Times is reporting that American Idol's Kris Allen may have had a little help from AT&T, one of the Fox show's biggest corporate sponsors, in winning this year.According to the Times, AT&T provided phones for free text-messaging services at two Allen parties in Arkansas on the night of the finals. Citing sources, The Times reports that AT&T reps showed party-goers how to "power text" -- cast 10 votes at the touch of a button -- which violates show rules.Power texts, according to the Times, "have an exponentially greater effect on voting than do single text messages or calls to the shows toll-free phone lines." No similar efforts appear to have been made to provide free texting services to Adam Lambert fans.Angry Lambert supporters are now claiming in online chat boards that the competition's voting was rigged.While Fox has yet to comment, AT&T issued the following statement: "In Arkansas, we were invited to attend the local watch parties organized by the community. A few local employees brought a small number of demo phones with them and provided texting tutorials to those who were interested."The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette first reported on the possible skewed voting last week.

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/at-t-may-have-swayed-idol-outcome-to-favor-kris-allen/23028?nc

yOu knOW i HAve NO LiFE whEN i BloG aBouT iDOL!

2009-05-26T01:05:00.001+08:00

dear jess,

I have to state my case. I know I try to stay out of any idol discussions but I need to have a say. I think idol never picks any of the people that I like. It’s a cosmic conspiracy. But I have to say that I had like adam ever since he did his first audition. To be fair, it was the theatre background he had that I felt inclined too. I remember the next day when I sat down with the performing arts teachers, the music teacher who mind you performs at the local theatre music scene, tells me that he was singing a whole something something hingher. Sorry don’t really get music talk- semitone? Nope must be more than that. Whatever. And that was to bohemian rhapsody I think.

Anyways inclined to know that I will be disappointed, convinced that the world picks whatever I didn’t like I tried to keep an open mind. And I did like the “winner” for one thing- the way he rewrote heartless. That was more than amazing.

NOW… lets get to my argument, if you listen carefully and this is a singing competition, when you hear adam, “the winner” and what’s his face that guy who got third? U can hear how amazing the voices of these two guys were, “the winner” sometimes even went out of tune.

So, why I am least bit not surprised is because all you have to do is not listen- but look. “the winner” is a typical blue-eyed boy that idol will always pick. You may argue and say cook won last year, but seriously, he isn’t really a rocker. And that is idol for you, screaming 13 year olds, who adore typical blue eyed boys on the verge of boyband-ness.

Back to the present- Lambert is being considered to be the front man of Queen. QUEEN!! And in past history, winners haven’t always made it big, taylor hicks for example made 300k last yr, only! In comparison to Hudson, who didn’t win- made millions.

I think tho, that even Lambert shouldn’t front QUEEN. I even think that wouldn’t give him freedom to do things that he will be more than capable of. I guess, sometimes in my hearts of hearts there is always a glimmer of hope that the norm doesn’t always happen.

Oh well, I guess I’m betting that Lambert will no doubt be way bigger and last longer than the “winner.”

In conclusion to my “argument” I admit that my reasons for why winners win on idol could be wrong after all Archelleta, however you spell his name’s eyes were blue enough.. Like I said, its always the person I didn’t cheer on.

yours coming in second,

jess

aRe u A fAceBooK whOrE??

2009-04-18T19:11:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

i have deactivated facebook.

*blink*

it was a series of events, our split. just like other relationships, its never just that one thing. apart from the fact that i predict something new will soon be taking over fb, twitter perhaps, i must say this relationship i had with fb was really starting to annoy me.

i dont know if technology has really made our lives any better, and since the start of our three two(?) year relationship the tension had been building . For example, i have friends that "know" me but have NEVER said a word to me ever! and when i added them, the relationship remained silent. so i deleted them.. they then try adding me again.

then there were people i found that, consciously or not, use fb to satisfy their all annoying need to get attention.

ABC is tired and needs a break and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..

2seconds later..

ABC has made coffee with two packs of sugar and blah blah blah

3 seconds later...

yeah you get my drift. and some of it is just written with flashing red lights and desperation for someone to comment on their status! my friend calls these guys, facebook whores. how appropriate.

then, there was my huge discomfort that my personal life was being invaded thru pictures i post, by people i forgot are in my fb. i know i can only let some people see certain things, but its sometimes more complicated than that.

anyways, what might've taken the cake was when someone told me how much they missed me, on my wall. someone who lives minutes away from me, or is a phone call away.

i think that fb has given us the perfect excuse for passive friendships, lazy wishes, and an ever absorbing hypnotizing need to "look" at other peoples lives, see who they're dating and what they've been up to. i can understand the attraction as well as its practicality for people who live far apart.

still, i dunno why i didnt log off sooner, and at the same time i can't promise that i wont have a relaps and want to go back to it !

happy facebooking
jess

wHEN thErE's A gReat eXcuSe to ShOP

2009-04-01T00:18:00.006+08:00

hey

so, while i was in cambodia, siem reap i came across 'bloom'. the boisterous singaporean explained that the bags are made from this fish paper, err rice paper? anyways they're made into bags and done so simply to give jobs to single mums in the country. the thing is tho, im soooooo impressed with the simple idea and the bags are so unique! i promise you you wont see anyone using it in this country. altho i have a sneaking suspicion we might see it in our country in a year or so, with the proceeds going to no charitable cause.

kinda wished i bought more! ..

this is an original bloom creation.. ahhh soooo cute :)

my "comic" wallet.makes me feel like a kid. the proceeds for this one goes to "friends" in support of educating street kids.

this one wasn't from bloom and the little sign did say it was made by handicap people. i'm not sure , cause there's been alot of imitation from the designs at bloom. i got it cos it was nice. sigh sue me :)

anyways check out the site, it's got a cool range.

http://www.bloomcambodia.com/

jess

festa intrudu 2009

2009-02-22T21:40:00.010+08:00

festa intrudu or water festival 2009 is a week before lent (the month before easter) and is basically THE day when you can throw water at anyone who dares to walk into portuguese settlement :) of course i was all excited to go and two days before it was the day i get the flu! that didnt stop me :) the water throwing excitement was great. we got ICE and threw it in our stash. it was soooo cold, with the throwing going from 9.30 to 12.00 and random people throwing water at you, some with horrible fierceness! my eye took a beating from some ganas splash.

if you throw water at someone older, you offer them a drink of wine, a small cup from your bottle. part of the festivities also includes a fancy dress football :) HAHA imagine guys running around with their dresses. the men were all tooooo please to flash their pink LACEY g-strings at us!!! i think im gonna go blind, and for ur sake ive "watered" down the pics :)

its fun, its not as "known" as san pedro's festival and much less people come but i think it might be more entertaining and fun. in addition, the significance of the festa is the washing away of our sins. And yes people, only Jesus does that for us, guilt free :) AMEN :)

ps. the "romantic" blurry feel to the picture is because the camera was in a clear albeit wet plastic bag :)

honey, honey

2009-02-14T01:53:00.004+08:00

dear jess,

what shall we talk about today? hmm. should i give you the "low down" on my life? today i realised that my student i've thought for for two years is now taller than me. *blink* should i tell you what ive been up to? i tried to play tennis today but the gates were locked and almost crawled under the tennis court wires. *blink*

i guess small talk is not really suited to us.

i did have plenty things i wanted to say though now it seems just unnecesary. i think though, that when i dont write to you its a sign that i'm neither angry nor ambitious, vicous nor depressed.

i hear that artists especially musicians are emotion junkies and they need the lows to get into the song writing mood.. maybe im a mood junkie too.

in the meanwhile.

XOXO :)

happy new year then.

2009-01-07T20:50:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

some people live too much in the past. (tired of reading post from ur uni days in london..)

some people live too much in the future. (tired of hearing you ask me when im getting married like thats the ultimate goal in life)

few live in the present.

and more people don't really live at all

yours,
jess

don't rock the boat

2009-01-02T01:42:00.004+08:00

happy new year jess.

i guess if you are as uninspired as me you'll know that im not all jumping with joy into the new year. in fact im not jumping anywhere. my friend just informed me that she wont be working at our preppy school anymore cos she's going to do the working visa thing in NZ. *wooopee*

i remember now that as she tells me this about the times where i dont go to the theatre to watch a friends play, i dont want to know where you've been or wat you've seen or your great and wondrous adventures for a year that you deem will be "scary" because you had to leave it all behind.

yes people.. that is what we call bitterness and jealousy. had i not taken so long to study or had i not been attached who knows what i'd be doing now. sure, the prospect is always possible and you say that those are just excuses. perhaps and most likely so.

however, if no one told me that my friend who knows nothing about the eurasion language or culture had staged the play on what my little knowledge is far more than his, or that instead of studying the last five years i could be her saving up to go somewhere else, i would probably be happy sitting on my ass watching series after series on my laptop.

competition hugely inspires me. being the one doing these things inspires me.. but then again, these are my dreams too. or at least they once were and seeing other people have them angers me. so, sometimes i'd rather not know and i dont really want to care, because im not horribly unhappy but when they rock the boat, it makes me think that something in my life is amiss..

once again, welcome to the new year,

jess

im fat, are you?

2008-12-21T01:50:00.004+08:00

dear jess,

what is it with us Malaysians?

i was in ikea and an ex collegue sees me. we greet, and guess what she says???? i heard your voice but then i saw you and i thought jessica is thin, it cant be her. and then we go on talking for maybe two seconds and she insist on asking me "why i had become fat?"and of course, it doesnt end before she brings it up several more times.

let me start with what is wrong here, and try to be as objective, despite the fact that im FUMING with anger. The thing is, ive heard this several times, of me and NOT of me. people meet after a long time and guess what the first thing is that they say? not how are you or ive missed the days we hung out or even if you're married.. NOOOO, why those aren't important things.. instead they insist on mentioning the wonderful fact, that is not only just insulting but is most likely already KNOWN to the adreesee. hey you're FAT since i last saw you. and that was ten years ago. right we don grow fat ten years later.

i seriously do not get it. i dont know if its a malaysian thing and its probably unfair to say so. its just i dont get it cos ive seen this happen so many times i absolutely need an explanation. from people of a "polite" culture who say "yes" when they mean "no" and "no" when the mean "yes" when food is offered to them, saying YOU'RE FAT to someone is okay???????

YES IM ANGRY. i've grown FATTER since the last seven years and i dont care, so why should you??? the next time someone says that to me im gonna say "well you haven't changed have you? you're still ugly."

phatly,

jess

kindness equals stupidity??

2008-11-27T01:13:00.002+08:00

dear jess,

i guess i took a longer break than usual. hmm. its almost the end of the year, and i dont quite have any motivation for the next. i was looking back at my journals, throwing some out and reminiscing them before ditching these memories forever.

i was watching my favourite sitcom, samantha who and how she discovers these memories. and how the brain protects us from remembering so much, because that is how much we can take. well, in that case i dont think i can take much cos apparently ive forgotten alot. which is why im glad i do journal. and the ones i ditched out, well, lets say some memories should be ditched.

i dunno. i dont like thinking about the future either, at the moment. i came across entries of enthusiasm, the love for what i do and so on so forth. but at this point the thought of going through another year, doing the same thing, that just makes me sick. there was no point to that, except rant i guess.

the other day, on the way back from my last bsf class, i saw an old man pushing an old lady with a small boy. they were facing their backs to the oncoming cars, but the little boy was waving. i looked behind, no cab, i think, hesitate, think and ,. i do the unthinkable. i stop to see if they need help.

i ask them, where are you going and whats wrong??? the reason i stopped is because i genuinly thought they might be going to the hospital. instead the young boy tells me the lady has asthma and needs the medication. i look at that thingy, the one where i use to use when i was a kid to pump the medicine in my mouth. he says its 200 and i know this wasnt true. i give him 6 ringgit and say that is all i have, when this too isnt true. and thats what pisst me off. i took the time and the RISK to stop and ask a stranger if they needed help, give them what they know as "all the money i have" and then the woman on the "wheelchair" says that isnt enough and they need more cos the medicine is expensive.

i should've just hit them when i had the chance. i know that sounds cruel, but so is lying to someone who was driving home alone at 12am and offerred help at the risk of her own security. i know. im stupid and i dont blame people for not stopping if i ever need help.

what have we all become..

yours,
jess

PAUSE

2008-10-06T01:13:00.001+08:00

some great drama workshops for the holidays for kids. spread the word and give me a call if you're keen!

Venue: BluBricks Kota Damansara
Age: 4 – 6 yrsDates: 24 – 26 Nov 08Time: 9.30am – 12.30pmFees: RM160/studentTheme: Hansel and Gretel's Journey Home

Age: 7 – 9 yrsDates: 1 – 4 Dec 08Time: 9.30am –12:30 pm Fees: RM200/studentTheme: Creative Writing Through Drama with Yasmin Martin

Age: 10 – 12 yrsDates: 26 – 28 Nov 08Time: 1.30am – 4.30 pm Fees: RM230/studentTheme: Making Headlines, Presenting the News, Research, Write and Report!

Age: 13 – 16 yrsDates: 1 – 4 Dec 08Time: 12.30am – 4.30 pm Fees: RM250/studentTheme: Drama for Teens

confessions of a commitment-phob

2008-09-17T01:40:00.004+08:00

dear jess

i dont know what i want. i am inclined to know wat i do not want more than what i do want. i do not want to become a "suit," nor do i want to wake up everyday at 7 o clock to beat the jam, nor do i want to wait for it to become 5 so i can clock out.

i have it pretty good i must say. i work really hard, if for one second you dare to think that the stupid suits work harder than me. i do a six day week to a clientale of a ten year age gap, prepare hours of teaching ranging from things that require me to use kids glue all the way to shakespeare AND im trying my best to be a researcher and a scholar.

now that im done bragging, or complaining... iam inclined to realise that suddenly, all i feel like doing is just dumping all these to the bin. just change everything i ever worked for and i dunno, become a wheatgrass collector or something.

just when i get something i dont want it anymore. and now i think all this is holding back from me wanting to do something else.

its horrible having to live with someone like me. trust me.

XOXO

the wait.

2008-09-11T22:56:00.000+08:00

The call beckons. In my mind the world is still awaiting my much delayed coming.

It has heard of the dreams I uttered in secret.
It has heard of miseries and woes, and the joys I have shared with nobody but her.
The world waits. And I do too..

She awaits for me and I for him.

Some days she helps me to rationalize my love for the one I wait.
Some days she makes me think that I should be angry about the wait that seems endless.

He knows nothing of my pain,
my deepest sorrows and longings.
I know nothing of the things she has for me,
The wonders of the unknown

When he finally comes to me.
My waiting ends; but only for a fleeting moment.
In that short moment, the misery of waiting is suspended.
And I forget.

The wait will continue.
I for him and she for me.
And I will wait for the time when perhaps one day my soul will be revealed to him
Or if I shall leave to be by her side

Perhaps by then, she having grown tired would have stopped waiting for me.

snore

2008-09-03T00:37:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

is it really possible to live on love and fresh air? no, im not talking about relationships, not with any human being anyways. is it possible to wake up at least once a month and think, i love what i do? when i had my feet in two boats- working and studying i use to have that one second tranquility thinking, i love what i do.

after all the chasing and wanting and shifting, has it all been worth it? has it all been what you thought it would be? when i first landed my first "real" role in a play i was estatic. until it too began to became mundane, reading the same lines and trying to make it real every night.

i feel that sometimes i need a jolt, a burst of craziness, a wake up call. you know, one of those individuals who work, perform and then go out to fight for human rights, or some great cause.

inspiration? i need one kilogram please.

yours,

jess

bleah

2008-07-23T00:12:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

i find with great difficulty fulfilling my new job "scope" of late. teaching preschoolers. im at this point in my life where i can opt to lecture and for reasons such as the simple one of actually having to work everyday i have decided to, for now, continue doing what i do. alas, that has to include teaching drama to preschoolers.

i love teaching teens, primary students but preschoolers? one boy in the initial weeks scratched his crotch and told me that it was in pain, so i asked him if hes ok and he shifted his privates and said "its ok, its just the foreskin."

blink.

what i dont get tho, is adults. in fact, thats probably why i don't work a normal job anymore. i dont have to pretend to have coonversations that are interesting with them during lunch, neither do i have to go on and on about how i hate my job and would rather be doing something else- but never ever doing it. miserable things adults are, no? :) (insert footnote: read the little prince for reference to this para)

i had to takeover from a broken down, almost in tears teacher at a kinde today. the principal complains to me that parents dont see the "results" of having speech and drama for their kids, and she wants to see a performance by the end of the month! parents complained that all they did in drama was "play"

blink.

foreskin! i wanted to say.

mam, speech and drama for preeschoolers, is a play activity - there are no reuslts, or rather, it isnt result based. should i blame it on our asian culture of only keeping things around if they serve a immediate forseeable result???

they have lived in the world for four to six years and yes, that is what we do, that is how they learn- play. don insult jean piaget the great psychologist for his years of research! if the world would only stop wanting to see results for a minute and learned to play, the world would be alot better. and we all would be alot happier! oh God i hope i dont become the almost in tears teacher seven months down the road!

yours,

jess

a change is gonna come... perhaps

2008-07-12T18:15:00.003+08:00

"people dont change, if people can change would you be you ?"
from Samantha Who

dear jess,

good question huh? ive been gushing about samantha who? its, to me, currently the best comedy series. in this episode, samantha's alcoholic bestie tells samantha's other bestie deana,- the overweight girl who was always left out in school and still remains rather a sore thumb "people dont change, if people can change would you be you?" and deana, goes "she has a point"

the essence of good comedy, laughing at the truth.

sure, now its all about "being true to ourselves" and the fact that we are that way and we "wont change for others." but seriously think about it? one of the conversations i seem to have with my "alcoholic bestie" is how that person who we knew 20 years ago is still irritating, the other one still not matured and some others still pick their nose or scratch their crotch in public. we may have our degrees, great jobs, and nice cars, but some things about us dont change, sometimes not the most presentable thing. one thing about us has definitely changed- our skill to justify all our nasty habits and characteristics!

signing off like i always have,

yours,

jess

what ive done with half a decade of my life

2008-06-23T18:29:00.005+08:00

dear jess,

so it seems like it is finally over. and how do you tell a story? im not much of a story writer, more of a feeling writer, if there is such a word. i hate telling stories, getting into the details, remembering twists, turns and stuff.. but this is important, so ill try.

i have finally arrived at the threshold of a journey that i thought would never end, or would end in ways i didnt want. i decided many years back to do this and i applied to do my masters, but i was rejected the first time because apparently i did geography in uni as a minor. then the following year, i thought id apply again and this time, i had resolved to the fact that if i didnt get it i would be okay with it, and in addition to that i told God that it would be a sign for me to take another path. but i got in.

and i took that as a sign that this was my calling, God wants me here. i went and did my one and a half years of coursework and for once i was acing most of my exams! i actually enjoyed wat i was studying thoroughly and when it came time to do my thesis, i thought i did what was right. one year with the lecturer, and he splits. he just leaves me stranded and in addition to that he didnt help me in my thesis or tell me what i was doing wrong. or the fact that the thesis wouldnt work! when i presented the thesis, i was ambushed publicly and made statements that made me look like a perfect idiot.

it felt like a tragic day. i went home and cried. i was in my room feeling sorry for myself when i heard my grandma going to the toilet. she was throwing up. my grandmother never throws up. so i went in and rubbed her back she told me that she had a bad headache. i went and got her medication, and lied down next to her. i rubbed her back and talked to her. that was the last day i talked to her.

i spent at least one semester doing nothing. three years passed- not even in that order. i told u i was bad with details. then i went to 'the legend' of a lecturer. he said to me this one thing that revived my soul. this is not just your work. its yours and mine. okay, more than one thing. i could have hugged him. in a world where everyone would die before they took any unnecessary responsibility over someone else, here was this man, known for all he had done in the theatre world tellin little broken me that he would be there, that my failure would be his, and my success just as much his..

so we took a year to research, at least, and then we send it in. and then i hit another bump. lecturers who marked my work but didnt know it. i had to do large corrections, some of which were way off. he was there again. "the legend" defended me in the meetings and even discarded one of the examiners stupid corrections.

i reached the end of my road last few months and had resigned to the fact, that its okay, anything happens will be fine by me. i was expecting the worse, that my work would come back and it wouldnt be good, and i wont graduate this year.

but it wasnt so. as of today i sent it to the copiers and they are gonna bind it. i still have this nagging feeling that maybe something will go wrong. i suppose when you come this near to realizing a "dream" it feels like it might not happen.

ive had to endure people giving me looks after they go "you're still studying?" "you're not done?" "what are you doing?."

its finished. one phase of my life is almost finish. i suppose God knew he'd want me on this path for so many years, for some reason. maybe in a comical way, i should've been careful for what i asked God for. so. this is my life. ill always remeber these five years. i will always remember that the day i presented the thesis is the day i lost mama. i will remember that someone was willing to share his life with me so that i can succeed. most of all, i will remember that the God who has led me here will always bring me through.

chapter. end. and a new, long one begins.

yours,

jess

anger my faithful companion

2008-06-19T19:45:00.003+08:00

jess

have you ever reached that point in your life when anger and dissapointment overwhelms you? when you think you want to change your life, leave the country or attempt the things you've been avoiding? if i could realise anger into some form of material being and pour it into my car, i could drive with it too china, back and still have ample.

when im angry, i clean, wash the laundry and then make plans to change my life.

ive had so many wasted opportunities and sometimes i sit here and wonder, when someone has just told me that im not going to be part of the voice over project because they didnt need any more females- and i was the last to reply my email. i sit here and wonder.

truth is im so tired. im tired of this "business" im tired of always wondering am i good enough? im tired of putting on my thick skin and going for auditions. i want to live in a world where i dont have to prove to anyone im good enough, especially me. i want to live in a world where i can spend my time not waiting. not waiting for someone to ask. not waiting for my cheques. not waiting for the one i love to finally decide to spend time with me.

im gonna fuel up my car now and go to china. will be back soon. i think anger lasts shorter than i would like it to.

jess

the love of my life...

2008-06-11T17:51:00.002+08:00

this is soooooooooo good.. one "cube" is four times the size of the normal chocolate. its awesome.. only problem is that its from rome.

hmm wonder if i can find it here. i shall be doing more chocolate "reviews" soon :P

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A.D. the performance

2008-06-07T22:42:00.004+08:00

come watch..

tragedy

2008-05-23T17:09:00.002+08:00

dear jess,

last week a friend's wife passed away. she was 8 months pregnant and only 30 years old. she fell in the bathroom and her husband found her in the morning. she had that anneurism thing that my grandmother did. its when a vein bursts in your brain and it has no age barrier or direct cause. the symptom would be this huge, horrible headache.

it was so tragic that she passed away that way and was pregnant. it was their first year into their marriage too.

life is fleeting and so is the time spent with loved ones!

love,
jess

an ulcer a week, keeps the chatterbox away

2008-05-10T02:50:00.006+08:00

dear jess,

im writing to you today because talking is proving to be difficult lately. quite literally having the ulcer on my tongue, my prone to ulcer mouth usually happens on the gum area, so now that its landed on the side of my tongue, i find myself talking only necessary, and pronouncing my r's as w's. its quite laughable - "buy me a swurpee please?"

as you can tell, i perhaps need to chatter and hence my foresight towards a non introspective mail. i have since being the little urban girl needed to pause and reflect on the changes in my life. well not so much changes in my life as it is surrounding my life.. in the last couple of years i have met people in gangs. Recently an individual badly injured because, as they say, he got "chopped." he has too many too-count stitches, lost his fourth finger and part of his skull! we travelled to malacca for the wedding and his story amazes me.

i really like being here, in the historical city and i would always do my ritualistic walk down to the mall and if i can squeeze in the whole "red" area, go to kampung portugis for my v-coffee and practise my kristang by picking up new vocab, sit at kolam chuan whilst the other half fishes and have chicken ball rice at the best place, far away from all the touristy ball rice. the extras wil be my classic ole skool ice kacang at saturday ice cafe, the oh so superb asam pedas and mary biadu's meehon.

i have in the last couple of years learned a few more strange malaccan and kristang traditions , the nicknaming, the heart and cross symbol for eurasian weddings, to go to pulau besar you must pantang from pork for a week, the st francis statue story, the most superb mango juice is the uncle's stall at settlement, pheng (feng) is a kristang dish out of pigs inerts which taste awesome (that upon questioning my mum, i learned she didnt learn to make it cos she didnt like it!), malaccans eat wan tan mee with cili boh and it actually tastes good.

whats the fweaking pont jess? im still that urban sheltered girl with education and dreams that go whoa, cool, now i know someting or someone new.

jak, yo kere by drumi,

jess

its always about.. love

2008-05-01T01:44:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

of all the capabilities of human beings, the most remarkable must be their ability to love.

at some point in my life, i reach the treshold and i had invested everythin in the one person that i had chosen to love. chosen. it would not matter as much what people said anymore. i remember once in the past, when i was much younger, i ran to this person- who would then seem to me to be wise, and i told her, foolishly, oh so foolishly about how much i liked this person. the next thing i knew, i was warned about being with someone who was- as i shall put it- not "protestan." and it went on, someone else found out and called someone else cos i was dating a - oh wait, here comes the word, a "non- protestan."

the equation in my life would be that none of my wonderful "protestan" friends would ever meet my "non-protestan" person in my life. my personal life, shut with a huge lock on it, and some of the "closest" people finding out events new to them that would have by then been a couple of years.

when people are different and things are hugely unpredictable, people become scared. me included, me especially.

i came to the realisation that my religion- not my faith was part of my upbringing. i went to sunday school, went to church camps, youth camps, brethren youth camps, served in church, etcetera, etcetera. I bring this to the relationship and i think that i dont want to change everything i know, i wont be "non-protestan" because apparently this is who iam.

i have more to say and less words to say them with at the moment. :)

yours my love,

jess

aging with craze

2008-04-17T22:23:00.012+08:00

dear jess

the best thing about turning thirty this year was that i got to act like a three year old. and it was allllllllll worth it.. i recommend it to everyone. rent a place, play games, eat, laugh, play dodgeball, run into someone while playing baseball, and most importantly throw ice water on everyone at 1am. if that happen everytime i turn thirty i wouldnt mind doing it ev-er-y-day.

more on facebook :)

throwing ice water at each other in the middle of the night makes everyone a little crazy.. :)

tequila is my fren......

taboo time.. laugh till it ached

dodgeball punishment.. pouring ice water oh so slowly over you...

a little older, and obviously choosing to not grow up,

jess

...

2008-04-04T01:39:00.004+08:00

dear jess,

God has been good to me. more so than i have Him. i know that there are things in our life that changes us, experiences, places, people, events. all of us thinking that our experiences is more important than anybody elses. the uni life, the boyfriend, the travelling.

and then one day, you find out something. perhaps its a death, a well kept secret or a sickness that requires a changed lifestyle. how does someone with cancer deal when he is told that what he thought of his body all this while, really isnt..

everything changes. everything is different. and the only experience more important than anybody elses, is how God still loves you.

it still surprises me, perhaps just as much as it should Him, that im still loved by God. my bad. i measure God against people i know.

undesrving, selfish, me, i cant grasp that there is nothing i can do or not do to make Him love me more or less. im pretty sure i wont till the day i die.

yours

jess

the good die young

2008-03-19T03:51:00.005+08:00

dear jess

there was this sign that i fail to remember where i saw now. it was huge and it said "i love art, i just hate the art world" i laughed on the spot and did a "mental gesture" of fisting my heart towards the sign. my cousin, i think it was, next to me just remained blank. i didnt bother to explain.

there is a point in history-local theatre english history to be specific where someone was noted for winning the "first" english playwrighting script. the rules were that you can submit an unpublished work. his? wasnt. yet he wins first prize and he goes down in history for being the first at something.

there was another competition where the runner up was told that his play wasnt chosen because it was "too controversial." the "real winner" goes home feeling like a million dollars. he too goes down in history.

there are people in theatres today who write scripts and do a really bad job but still perform in large stages. they, will go down in history. all i can do is scratch my head and wonder frustratingly why so many untalented undeserving people can get so far.

i know that we all realise that at some point history is more closely related to fiction than anything else but im still, foolishly, a believer that our extremely imperfect world is capable of doing the right thing at the right time sometimes. i suppose "luck" plays a larger role in our lives than we think it does. well, perhaps more in other peoples lives than ours.

i love art. i hate the art world.

*fists*

jess

2008-03-10T04:42:00.003+08:00

dear jess,

dramatic times!!

the embarassment, the shock, the slap on the face.. everyone loves a good tale of people fighting for their rights and actual change being made. truth be told, this should have been a long time coming. the facade of previous PM which people STILL think of him as a "godfather" should have too realised that malaysians were not happy with the unequal treatment. of course, back then we had some form of prosperity and malaysia was supposedly being put on the world map with tall buildings and big race track.

people i speak today of still uphold that we wouldve been nothing without some of those things. seriously, do we really need a tall building and a world class track if our basic rights were being compromised.

i know theres so much happiness in the shock, i guess i just think its scary that when you have a charismatic leader who can scold you into submission, people thought that was good. but alas, that was the past.

it was a crazy night with people at weddings standing in front of the tv's watching the news. i got a mail today that was addressed to tv3 and cc'd concering why we werent told the news of the results properly and on time. i didnt even know that selangor was in opposition till sunday evening. newspapers were sold out and i assume the people i lunched with also didnt know cos they didnt say anything!

so clearly im still in shock that selangor is in the opposition. good shock. the opposition has promised to be more transparent. no matter what happens, its good to know that the ruling should be afraid of the people and not the people of the ruling, yes?!

now, i wonder if we can get rid of that jail up north that allows people imprisonement without trial..

long live OUR malaysia!

sing mak bedah sinG!

yours,

jess

the countdown..

2008-03-04T00:39:00.004+08:00

dear jess,

there is an epic proportion weighing in the back of whatever brain left that i own, telling me that in order to remain psychologically healthy i have to continue expressing myself. the eclipse of my time edges over and im slowly preparing myself for soon enough i will have to blow off the big three-oh on my cake. i cant even confront that by writing down the number. needless to say, denial has always been my best friend.

in my mind, im all set though. not like i have the option of turning back anyways. i grew up all of my 29 years never having a birthday party. not once. it has always been just family or close friends but growing up i didnt get any of those mc-donald parties or even those at home where friends would bring around gifts. i dont hold a grudge, but it has made me believe that parties should always be thrown by someone else who appreciates you, hence i havent gotten a party in 29 years HAHA.. im sure its just that no one would go through the trouble. denial, best friend; remember?

so im throwing a few -or so i think- for myself. and having a bash, while im at it, or so i think. but thats not the point of this letter was it? in some ways i think im looking forward to becoming a "woman."

time to be brave and to be my own person. time to go to the doctors without my mummy? she follows me, what am i to say i dont need you? okay so maybe i don really want to grow up, after all i always want my mummy for some things in life.

but i really want certain things that come with age, knowing who iam and being obnoxious about it, even when im wrong!

haha. well. there is always one thing that is good about growing older and i can attest to it. you stop wanting people to like you as much, realising that it really doesnt matter and you stop caring lesser and lesser about what people think about you, or things that relate to you. which explains why by the time you're 80, you can curse and not care!

to ageing and all its perks!
jess

do one thing that scares you, everyday.

2008-02-28T23:26:00.004+08:00

dear jess.

ok. so maybe not everyday. i heard that from someone on tv and i cant remember who it was. i try to these things, like go to an audition and try out for weird roles. auditions scare me but also gives me a sense of perspective. it use to disraught me and i would leave knowing i didnt get it and wonder, whats wrong with me. that would subsequently lead me to three days of depression. these days i leave the room and laugh thinking i wouldnt hire me! maybe its a part of growing up, but i think the best thing i want to adopt in my life is being able to laugh at myself.

recently i had the opportunity to do a workshop. and the scary thing was that i have never taught adults beyond a certain age. in addition to the group that would range to a near almost retirement age, i had to train trainers. they would probably have hawk eyes eyeing my every move.

i contemplated hiding under table, as i do that best and shrugged it off. i would enter an experience that i had no control over. if i taught kids, i knew how to do it, young adults, no problem. but corporate people who train for a living from a top notch petroloeum company? *check* on scary thing for the month!

so there i was laptop on my back and a big bag with props on my side as i walked from the train station and got lost to the damn hotel no one was able to tell me where, WHICH as usual was only ten minutes away i took half hour through the blazing sun and the pack on my bag made me feel like i was on amazing race with no partner to shout at. finally got to my place with only four hours of sleep for a couple of nights already, i set up to the comments of "oh you're the trainer?" yes, the one time i actually wished i look older.

then as we were to start the first few comers were men that look like they were in their 40s and 50s with their ties and long sleeves and my mind went, im going to ask these people to play games, lie on the floor and touch each others diaphragm. God help me!

as it turns out, they were quite the opposite of the stuffy type office people i had in mind and my jaw was hurting from the laughter they caused during these games. how awesome!

at the end of the day i had to lug my things back to the train station, stood in the corner of the train where i felt like puking thanks to the rush hour and my back and feet still ache from the experience, it was well worth the sleepless nights and pain.

now, i wonder whats scheduled for march on my scare me list? i know whats on aprils list HAHA growing old that is :)

XOXO
jess

of black cats and green lights..

2008-02-21T03:19:00.006+08:00

dear jess,

its kinda fun, like watchin miami ink without the annoying ami. thats where i have been spending my free time mostly..when you have no choice but to hang out in a tat shop -just cos- so wat do you do? watch people.. here was a girl who came into the shop and was totally freaked out, she was practically tearing before the inking. still, props to her she did her first tattoo at a veryyyy painful place (behind the ear) and she got through it blood, sweat and tears. its fun actually being able to watch people make their live changing-well sort of-decisions while i down doughnuts.

uni students doing an interview

kev doing a tat while SOMEONE knocked the bed!! lucky it wasnt me.

sunway pyramid has a cool parking system where u can see green lights on the empty spots! sigh sedihnya my life haha. will be back with more tales of other peoples life :P

yours looking for the green lights,

jess

you can take the girl out of the jeans, but you cant take the jeans out of the girl

2008-02-14T01:21:00.005+08:00

dear jess,

im tempted to just tell you that this and this has happened in my life and get over with the letter. you know, enough with the self reflection thing. haha like as if. ive had several information on my mind that i cant wait to list for you.

we went to old school last weekend and "witnessed" some sort of robbery, by the time i brought the ten men that came with me (haha) across the road and to where there was now twenty people, the robbers -three of them had grabbed the robbee, who was HUGEEE and whacked him and accused him of curi motor. since no one actually saw what was happenig from across the road at the dark petrol station, before you knew it the three had ran off on their getaway kap chai and the poor huge man was bleeding from his head and crying!

I hate feeling helpless. like there were twenty people who came to help him and none could because no one knew what happened. at least my one man stopped the three guys from further hitting him. i prayed that God would punish the three severely, but who am i..

i took the train to the heart of the city today in a dress, had espresso and went to meet my "clients." i finally got to see the view of the city from the sky bridge, well the same level, i didnt know if i wanted to sneak into the sky bridge with my visitors pass, but that made my day. who knew the city looks beautiful the further away you are from it.

oh, and look no self reflection. :)

yours.
jess

fashion advice?

2008-02-01T20:48:00.000+08:00

dont wear black this chinese new year..
haha.. couldnt resist taking this. love the pants :P

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!! cant wait to stuff my self and my pockets ..

...

2008-01-29T18:27:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

i feel that i must write to keep my sanity. after all, that is what that does keep my sanity, somewhat. and this pain, it has been here some days now, and it is not true that you get use to certain things over a period of time.

but i don't know what i should say or should not. and all i do is suffer in silence. as i always do.

apparently. people who hold their feelings in die earlier, a survey done over the lifetime of some couples showed that those who did argue and fight lived longer because they expressed themselves. so the key is that im suppose to express myself.

maybe my blog will keep me alive. then again, with all my vaguness, maybe not.

yours,
jess

how much are you worth?

2008-01-22T15:53:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

the question, the reocurring question in my life has been the consistency of how much im really worth. if you were working as a managerial position of some sort, and got 10000 dollars a day, u would only be worth about rm500 a day. of course this is me doing math and i can be totally wrong but basically ure not worth more than rm62 an hour if u work an 8hour job. and that is if u make 10000bucks.

so anyways, i hate negotiating and to tell someone i should get paid more is the most difficult thing in the world for me. but i did that, only to retort to a "is that negotiable."

you people suck. for lack of a less rude word.

i remember placing a high price on myself and not getting the job altho in their own words were that i was "the most qualified." so now theyve hired someone lesser a man for the job?

ive collected a lifetime, well it feels like it, of materials, books and experience and i hate feeling like im gettting only ten percent of what ten students have paid the management. im going to open a drama school and give free lessons and make all of you run out of business..

*BLEAH*

lucky for you im a lazy arse. which probably explains my happiness for the fact that whilst everyone gets off two days a week i only work two days a week.

be damned people who dont pay me what i want. im only too happy to not work, passion or none.

yours,

jess

when i grow up..

2008-01-18T22:38:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

ask anyone and i dare bet that they all think that they are "different." heres the thing that got me thinking. i was talking to one of my friends who is a tatoo artist (yeap) and a dj and a cameraman. talented apparently and as some of us were talking he told us about a story that ended with him talking about being himself, which includes liking to be different and owning tatoos was part of that.

here's the thing. if it were me i would say that having no tatoos is also being different since alot of people are jumping on the bandwagon. for that matter, i think that im the only person left on earth, to my knowledge, that thinks rihana's "umbrella" is still a stupid song, that somehow made it so big that everyone loves it.

not to mention her hair.

before everyone had it, i wanted it and now, im so thankful i dont. everyone has the same freaking hair style!!!!

back to the topic. ask everyone and they'll tell you how different we are. but are we so stupid to not realise that everyone is different and by saying that we are different, we are really being the same as everyone else???

get it??

ahhhh.. now that i got that off my chest :)

XOXO

jess

lets start where we should start

2008-01-10T00:32:00.000+08:00

i got my new journal and its the cutest little thing. so cute i hesitated to write in it and yes that adorable pen! how appropriate my book is called monologue. heres to the 2008. ps. if you're getting married this year with the throngs of others i predict will, you've just annoyed me by 10 percent.

everyone wants a new slate, or so they think

2007-12-29T16:28:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

the year comes to an end, and im thrilled. somewhat, atlhough i dont know why. there are chances though that i will be terribly depressed as i go into another "age zone" in less than four months time..

ive read a book, and it tells of how in order for us to become better, or something like tat, we have to erase our personal history. and, at first that shocked me. for our personal history is who we are, isn't it? but ive come to realise that perhaps that is true. our personal history may trap us more than it gives us a sense of identity. our past traps us to think that we've made unforgivable mistakes, or that being a student and playing with snow was the best times of our lives, or that because we were once handsome, we might still have hope to become that again. ive seen people living in the past, and to a certain extend i do too, and truth be told, its getting awfully tiring. like tat old record playing over and over again or the uncle who keeps telling you the same story over and over again.

well, if i succesfully erase my personal history, that leaves me with not much writing material; of course with the excpetion of annoying people that i will always be able to write about.

sounds good right? im turning thirty soon (just to say it makes me quiver) and i dont have anything to succesfully show for it. im not worth a certain amount, im not at a certain social strata and for all the asians reading this, who rate success this way, im not married with kids. i guess what makes it okay would be that i dont care, i never have and refuse to. there, no personal history there?!

our attachment to things, experiences and routines are like personal histories.

If you have no personal history, no explanations are needed; nobody is angry or disillusioned with your acts. And above all no one pins you down with their thoughts. It is best to erase all personal history because that makes us free from the encumbering thoughts of other people.

Begin with simple things, such as not revealing what you really do. What's wrong is that once people know you, you are an affair taken for granted and from that moment on you won't be able to break the tie of their thoughts. I personally like the ultimate freedom of being unknown. No one knows me with steadfast certainty, the way people know you, for instance. From now on you must simply show people whatever you care to show them, but without ever telling exactly how you've done it. You see, we only have two alternatives; we either take everything for sure and real, or we don't. If we follow the first, we end up bored to death with ourselves and with the world. If we follow the second and erase personal history, we create a fog around us, a very exciting and mysterious state in which nobody knows where the rabbit will pop out, not even ourselves.

If you really want to learn, you have to remodel most of your behavior. You take yourself too seriously. You are too damn important in your own mind. That must be changed! You are so goddamn important that you feel justified to be annoyed with everything. You're so damn important that you can afford to leave if things don't go your way. I suppose you think that shows you have character. That's nonsense! You're weak, and conceited! In the course of your life you have not ever finished anything because of that sense of disproportionate importance that you attach to yourself.

excerpts from Journey to Ixtlan by Carlos Castaneda, on which Paolo Coehlo based his thoughts on for The Zahir.

so, looks like i have alot to work on for the new year. Well, happy new year and as they say in my mother tongue bong anu nobu :)

yours
jess

its starting to look like..

2007-12-13T01:38:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

im sitting here on the floor of a hotel, with the lappy on a makeshift table, which is a chair really. i dont really have anything to say except be like everyone else and perhaps i should somehow talk about the year and so on so forth.

i suppose we can measure the year in wat we've accomplished or how many people love us or how much we've done. which is why i usually dont do much of that. the only thing that i can count is the books ive read, which i tend to be quite proud of, even if its two.

but what i thought i was going to say, as i was on the way back from my grandmother's, grandfathers' and great grandmothers' graveyard this afternoon, here at the little town with 13 firsts of malaysia, was that we humans need to measure stuff, or do something in order to feel that we are of value or that we are alive.

we put flowers in the grave, despite the fact that it really wouldnt mean anything to a person who cant appreciate it anymore, people whomewe probably never bought flowers prior to their death, but it makes us feel good, or that we have something to do in the land which represents the absence of activities.

so anyways, the year, right?

i was looking forward to december, its a time of enjoying the christmas season, but not so much this one, because im crunching on my work and i need to finish that before christmas. otherwise i would be tagging along from shopping mall after shopping mall, and i would be in singapore, plus i would also be planning a childrens carolling in puchong. instead im stuck here, on my make shift table.

so i need to do those things, and buy those candy's i never eat so it feels like chrismas, you know.

back to the year.

well, by now, you would probably have realised that i have nothing to say about the year really. however im really proud that i manage to keep my life compartmentalise. does that make sense? perhaps not, because you're in one compartment that doesnt always have to understand what i was saying. i suppose im proud that i manage to keep my life to myself, and to me thats a big accomplishment. no award, no calculation just a personal satisfaction.

on that, let me leave you with a bizzare note, everyone should have carls jr, at least once in their lives, despite the fact that the burger cost 17 ringgit and the set 20 plus. yes, it is that good.

your,
jess

leave me be

2007-12-02T18:44:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

a friend of mine was asked today if i was attending another church.

it makes you wonder, that in my anger should i just start binge eating in the next few hours? or perhaps it makes you wonder why i would be angry in the first place?

see, the thing is, i have had a strange history with church. the "church" and me have not been the best of friends. we were, once. then the "church" betrayed me. it said things about me that were not only untrue, it has scarred me so much for a few years now, that i have changed.

when i was younger and slightly more idealistic, i did what was me, and did not bother what others should think, less their assumption was wrong anyways. but apparently in light of that, i was still accused of being certain things, from people who had spoken less than two words to me in my whole life.

they seem so sure. they would say, jessica is...... and that would follow a warning. i would be so angry and yet i couldnt do anything about it.

so, after i was severly scared i decided that the church and me had to have a slightly new relationship. one that didnt see me talking too much, or hanging out with too many guys, or laughing too much. my church relationship was one that got me there and back again with little view of me, less it was necessary.

thus, it shouldnt surprise you if you hadnt met my new pet, my new dress, my new attitude or even a new person in my life. i have worked so hard and keeping it all away, nothing in my life should mingle, lest they, she, it, or he be judged.

so my anger isnt in a statement, or in a perception that at least i was attending a church, even if it isnt the one that i really am attending. my anger, yet again, i think frustration, is in the fact that no matter what i do, people find a fascination in assuming about me, my life, people who i probably havent said more than two words to.

perhaps i should look on the bright side of life and realise that i still have true friends who check these strange statements with me, or perhaps assume that other people's lives really arent interesting and they find that they just have to talk about me. perhaps that i should think that im like a superstar in my own life, getting "rumoured" about my oh - so - interesting life.

when my human spirit feels like its failing in me, when i feel that im so fed up and i have been doing good by not laughing too loud, or talking too much, or being seen and all else has failed.. i guess it brings back haunted memories.

im tired of being trapped as a creature of my past. so im going to pull up my sleeves and roll with it. the next time someone asks, tell them i attend a church in singapore every weekend, my boyfriend is brad pitt and that im migrating in the next two months. if someones going to talk about me, i should at least have some fun, no?

yours, and by that i mean mine,
jess

knock knock

2007-11-30T18:47:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

it seems that perhaps no one really had anything to say at all in the first place. that in the light of "facebook" maybe everyone really never ever had anything on their minds to say in the first and now that no one will pay attention to our blogs, we move on. maybe thats all we really want. us human beings. attention. im sure thats not a maybe.

perhaps thats all that makes us feel like we are part of this world and thats why we do the things we do. apart from facebook or bloggin that is. we get a fancy job, so we get attention, oops i mean so that we belong. or we do something different and travel or work odd hours, so that we belong, and yet dont belong enough for other people to envy us.

well, at least in my little crazy world where i try to find privacy on the web and yet have the feeling that im telling everyone and yet no one. perhaps this is just the perfect world for me.

Better go hungry than to be alone. because when you're alone - and im talking here about and enforced solitude not of our choosing- its as if you were no longer part of the human race. coehlo in zahir

yours

jess

mirror mirror

2007-11-22T01:55:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

there is a lesson we learn or realise every now and then. sometimes its about ourselves, sometimes others and sometimes ourselves through others.

the biggest puzzle in the world perhaps is our own selves. and the delusions that relate to us being ourselves.

its so interesting how we only see parts of ourselves that we want to. and largely, interpretation really is in the eye of the beholder.

ive come to realise how wrongly i can be interpreted or how perhaps wrongly ive interpreted myself. like how someone i know thought i was probably being annoying when i always think out loud and seemingly hesitate to make decisions, when to me i was just processing my decisions out loud. or how someone thinks that he is good at most things when i think he is just a pain.

perspectively, we always think that we are right. perspectively we think that we are independent or confident when people think that that aspect of us is just cocky and annoying. we shrug and just shove it off as thats me, accept it, and not just that, we become proud of those aspects because we think that people not liking us is their own fault, not ours.

i always knew delusion was my best friend, i didn't until recently realised it was everyone elses too..

yours,

jess

...

2007-11-13T23:02:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

i write this with some amount of hesitation. i was tearing three days ago at the hospital when i saw how he looked, how much weight was gone and i dreamed of him that night and the next. on that third day, he passed away.

its simple. i don know him like everyone there, his sisters, nieces and nephews, but he was to me the one thing that no one else was. he acknowledge my presence and he made time to talk and smile and to just be nice.

and for someone ive known seemingly so little off, im grieving.

you will be so dearly missed, john marcian carvalho.

yours,
jess

distinguishing it

2007-11-04T22:07:00.001+08:00

dear jess,

i recently threw out a big basket of clothes. skirst, baby tee's and other 'valuables.' i would do it every once in a while but this one was a "major" one. i had bought three dresses, a sandal, four tops, a shorts and im sure some other stuff i dont remember in the span of just two weeks. i was and still am the tee and jeans girl who doesnt comb her hair. still.

yes, it wasnt budgeted and most of all i had shopped for dresses, something i despised till recently.

i was, and to some extend still hanging on to tees i love but cant fit in anymore thanks to the bulging tummy. tee's that i had probably worn few times, because they were "branded" and most likely will never fit into even if i starved myself to death.

im a believer that people can change, but more often than not, we dont. we still think that the pants or the bag is in style because its "us." how many of us try a style of sunglass we'd never think we'd like or a pair of clothing that "isnt us"? and how many of us actually end up buying those..

as usual, i digress.

ive thrown out those i can't wear and am aimed at trying more new "threads." i hope that that subconsciously transmits to my personality and not just my wardrobe. we all say we've changed after ten years, but have we really? are we still wearing the same type of flip flops with the same type of pants and shirt that everyone can spot us a million miles away?

change is good inside and out, as long as it isnt a V-neck shirt on a man or strange cowboy motif shirts. Ah! fashion is so difficult..

yours,

jess

simply put

2007-11-01T01:45:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

im convinced. we, at some point of our lives complicate things, just because. usually attributed to all these reasons and blamed on reasons like our personalities or that we dont think its the right time.

i don't get it anymore though. and worse of all it frustrates me.

the boy likes the girl, the girl likes the boy, but its not right because its not right yet. the girl loves the boy but has to be away, so he breaks up with her, because?

wasnt love meant to triumph over such "trivial" things like time and space? were we subconsciously waiting to leave or waiting to find the "right one" or waiting for the brick to hit us on our head?

nope.

i think its this.

we humans, subconciously dont want to be happy. not all the time anyway. we like to think of ourselves as tortured souls.

fall in love with the girl we cant have.

distance wil keep me from loving you.

maybe its ancestry and since the majority of us will not get killed or tortured for being in love with someone different, we subconsciously torture ourselves.

what happens if a girlfriend decides one day to leave for the jungles of the amazon? the girlfriend usually follows the boyfriend or husband but men sometimes work differently and dont immediately see to living the dreams of their better half. perhaps this is a womans curse.. do dreams end for us, where relationship starts?

are we all just subconcious human beings waiting to scream that we are tortured souls, so that the world will pity us and we can write great songs and poems?

i hate it that it seems im the only one who really does think that life is that simple if we let it be. but i guess not everyone is ready for simplicity.

yours,

jess

ding dong bell

2007-10-30T03:43:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

im sure i thought of a reason to write. a theme to my life or just to manage the letter writing habit that is slowly going obsolete in everyone's life. the problem is i dont remember anymore what the reason was and the danger is i might rant on about things in my life that i might take for granted that that would in any way interest you.

still. here i am trying hard to remember.

i watched a film today. 1957 i think it was called. my partner rated it 2 out of ten and i couldnt really disagree considering i could have read a book instead and it might have been more interesting.

ah. and now i remember my initial thoughts. its hilarious really, i was at church the other day and a few people said they hadnt seen me in a while. i attributed it to me being away, here and there but i didnt get into the details. one said hi and asked where i was worshipping now.

*blink*

i should've given a bizarre answer, something i wouldn't hesitated at either, if i wasnt too much in shock. i should have said something really strange and jaw dropping.

what the heck, im sure ill be given another go at that sometime in the future.

yours,

jess

rain, rides and roaches

2007-10-16T15:41:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

it seems that the typhoon signs have reached here. i see the bit of roof waving at my window and i remember our five hours "layover" for our bus down north. we were soaking wet, so that our umbrella that i had bought from home actually came in handy and yet not handy enough. little did we know that about 30km away the typhoon was about to kill five people. we bought our poncho's and walked to the tailors at hoi an, vietnam.

by the time we were done, all our clothes were wet, i had nothing to change into, but another semi wet pants. we had to change because we'd be doing another twelve hour bus ride, at least. we were then halfway through our 48 hour bus ride. we were given the impression that we would sit in the same confortable bus for 48 hours straight, yes thats a two day bus ride non stop but as usual, no one tells us anything in this country. we took a twelve hour bus ride from hanoi, which where we started our trip and were first greeted by men touching us, annoyingly asking us where we were from and women who had no patience or want to understand tourist. it was all becoming a cold country, just like the crazy typhoon.

the next thing we knew we were on the hard seats of those busses. it was, and i will never be able to do justice to the explanation, but it was like sitting on a horse (id imagine) in a bus. there were these five lines on the road, painted perhaps so vehicles should slow down, and every 10 seconds apart i could feel them grinding through my brain. the bus it seems, was not only hard seated, we could feel every bump, every grind and every horn, which the locals would do every 10 seconds or so. thats right, no one would be on the road and we'd still hear the horn.

my bus rides have consisted of a roach crawling on me, a vietnamese man leaning over my seat to sleep on my hair, an old aunty slapping my feet as i climbed down from my bunk bed, a vietnamese lady literally, yes literally kicking her BARE foot into my face and tossing and turning on the already hard seats only to be greeted with? stinky feet in our faces.

i think ive reached the point where i can laugh at those incidents. im not sure i can say the same for my travel partner..

yours,

jess

2007-10-16T15:40:00.000+08:00

2007-10-16T15:30:00.000+08:00

sleeper bus, we were given the impression we'd be in these for 48 hours...

2007-10-16T15:20:00.000+08:00

a total of 60 over hours were spend in busses like this, cramped, hard and crawling wit roach

fifteen minutes to late

2007-10-13T21:33:00.000+08:00

dear jess

im growing irritated of having to upload pictures in three different places and lack the want to write to you about my trip. and ive just realised that i can just post the facebook link. so this is parts of it and the rest will be on facebook, still being uploaded. vietnam has been one crazy ride but i dont really feel like writting. i suppose the blog is being phased out in my life slowly. perhaps?

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=16828&l=54869&id=652088209

yours,
jess

2007-10-13T21:23:00.000+08:00

ho chi minh's mauseloum, where they keep his corpse, despite his death wishes to be crimated. it was close, the body gets send to russia everytime this year for "upkeeping"

2007-10-13T21:05:00.000+08:00

nine million population, four million motorcycles, and a honk from one vehicle every four seconds. imagine it. thats as far as you'd like it to be! its absolutely crazy

2007-10-13T20:59:00.000+08:00

ladies selling the old fashion way

2007-10-13T20:51:00.000+08:00

side stalls in hanoi, all chairs are small and scattered every side walk and street serving desserts to crabs and seafood!

2007-10-13T20:44:00.000+08:00

market place outside our guesthouse, hanoi. all the streets in the old quarter look like back lanes.

2007-10-13T20:37:00.000+08:00

baguette bread by the street, hanoi

kiss me?

2007-10-03T23:17:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

for some reason i decided not to change the language of this blogger from vietnamese to english. partially due to the fact that my internet time is being charged as we speak.

ive had my first real shower in two days. 40 hours of sitting in a bus, one sleeper, three hard seater (thats why they call it that) few hours of waiting in between, two skipped dinners, sleeping across the seats, bus rides that threw us off our seats and getting all our clothes in our bag drenched, a bed and a shower is the best thing thats happen to me since.

the one significant trait of all backpackers. we all stink.

when the man comes up the bus, he goes "kiss me, kiss me, five minute for lan and the we go to the bust" translation? excuse me- lunch and bus.

its all good as long as i can shower. sometimes life should be that simple.

kisses,

jess

good honking vietnam

2007-09-29T16:40:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

wandering the streets of vietnam, there's no mistaking you're here. people on the bikes; and there are millions of them; honk all the time and crossing the road becomes a matter of life and death.

well, thats all for now. tired, sweaty and no time to write.

till then,

jess

soap to wash your sins away, women falling on you, clubbing and going to the hospital at 530 am? welcome to singapore!

2007-09-23T23:57:00.000+08:00

every girl should have a fix it kit to look good for Jesus? im speechless and highly amused. it was such a novelty i wanted to get it. they also had lip balm that would, and i quote "return you lips to near virgin condition."

2007-09-23T23:47:00.000+08:00

was god saying something??? :)

2007-09-23T23:42:00.000+08:00

giant turkish ice cream anyone?

2007-09-23T23:37:00.000+08:00

the giant lanterns, clarke quay, singapore

2007-09-23T23:25:00.000+08:00

the man who swing giant beads, orchard street, singapore

2007-09-23T23:16:00.000+08:00

clubbing, drinking and random people talking to us? old men doing the finger dancing, women LITERALY falling all over kit and karine stealing the lead singer's hat. just another ordinary day!

2007-09-23T23:09:00.000+08:00

6.00 am, alexandria hospital, singapore, dr. mike gives us a description with his hands about.... sandwiches? hmmm doesnt look like it.

so good id curse

2007-09-17T00:37:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

i just have to post this. i like the way talent works. its unfair and you cant really blame yourself for not having or having it.

i couldnt believe it when i saw nick's photographs. it was so good, i cursed! and at the same time im completely god-stricken and now think the world of his photos. damn i hope he doesnt read this.

i now wanna go around telling people i have a friend who takes awesome photographs and is so humble. i myself, just started the interest this year when i got my first decent camera and im so proud that nick's taken pics without a digital slr. like my bro in law says, its the person and i believe so, it is the person not the camera.

heck what they say about talent. im gonna go do the water drop experiment and ill show you what crap shots ill get. HAHA.

nicholas cheong's pics can be found on flickr.com

drooling and idolizing,
jess

2007-09-17T00:34:00.000+08:00

all rights to this picture belongs to nicholas cheong. hmm altho i did take it.. *dont sue me* :) nick did this as an experiement and got his lens wet too. that boy has some amount of patience.

2007-09-14T04:47:00.001+08:00

very quickly now

2007-09-12T02:15:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

technology was suppose to make my life easier, but instead its made me work three times as hard. for example. i want to update all my pictures right now and i do it here, on flickr and on facebook. the same damn thing because everyones connected everywhere. it feels stupid. however i think facebooks the best because it has everything you need in one.

the weeks have gone like crazy, i had the worse ear infection because of my piercing and didnt even get to show you the pictures, yet. it went red and swelled HUGELY and then it bled. it bled right down to my the tip of my ears and wouldnt stop. i hate piercers who dont know an ounce of what theyre doing.

anyway's the dutch were in the historical city this weekend. i think ive rediscovered this city over and over again and i still love it.

so now we're down to me just updating you on my life.

ive arrived.

laughs,
jess

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81691123@N00/

2007-09-12T02:03:00.000+08:00

i love the dutch cows :) there were six brightly painted ones, i caught three, skipped two ugly ones and missed one.

2007-09-12T01:52:00.000+08:00

the dutch brass band came to town, fully dressed with their clogs and all, and they were great fun

2007-09-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

2007-09-12T01:26:00.000+08:00

hotel anyone? it comes with spiral steps too.

2007-09-12T01:16:00.000+08:00

ringo's bar. quaint. nice.

2007-09-12T01:05:00.000+08:00

portuguese bake fish. awesome. but not as nice as the otak otak :)

2007-09-12T00:41:00.000+08:00

i tried these, the big shells (bigger than my whole hand) had the skins FULL and alive but shrunk to a ball once they were cooked. it tasted like salt water :) haha

2007-09-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

we are here again

2007-09-04T03:15:00.000+08:00

dear jess

it shames me to say that i had forgotten. i tried hard to remember but i couldnt remember your date.

she.

she was my ally. she would say that it was okay if i got back late and would always take my side against my mum. she would back me up and i would take her to movies.

the last time i took her to one, i still remember which it was, she would laugh so loud; imagine that; an old lady laughing so loud i was slightly embarassed. then she would say a million times that coming to the cinema would be imposing on my fun.

whenever she went to the shop, she'd buy me egg tarts because i loved it, and i would buy her the 'split' ice cream or the chocolate ones because she loved those.

she was always apologetic and never wanted anyone to go out of their way for her, and yet even in her 80s she'd clean my room!

you know, i have a problem till today because of her. i simply cant look at another granmother or someone aged. i found that it literally made me cry and i have had once broken down in the most unpredictable of times because i was completely surrounded by them.

there is no way, as i initally wanted to, to write to you eloquently about her. it wasn't always what she did or said but it was who she was. she was an old woman who had so much of energy, a grandmother who made everyone around her laugh and be happy, she was my mama.

it made me feel so handicap that i had no grandmother anymore, and for some years already. i had no one to open the door and ask her to come down for supper, no one to watch wash her long white hair in the bathroom, no one who wears a sarong in the house, or tell us not to take pictures of her, no one she would call penis in portuegese, quite literally translated, no one who would sundry the eurasion pickle, no one to love, and all i still want to do is love her.

im sure she's retained every ounce of her sense of humor in heaven, im not sure about the cursing though.

*helen theisera passed away third september, 2004.

yours,
jess

who am i really?

2007-09-01T03:19:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

who am i when you're not with me?
who am i when ive stopped moving,
who are you when you've stopped travelling,
when you're all alone and there is no one to define you, but you.

i become me, when you're here. i become great, when i am with you. i become who i think i was always meant to be.

how is it possible that i can only be me, with you?

yours,
jess

back to school

2007-08-27T00:45:00.000+08:00

dear jess,

in the hype of my craziness, we had decided to search out the tattoo shop, to get a piercing. and then i just decided to get not one, but two piercings, rather spontaneously.

the massively tatooed piercer gave me a pen and told me to mark myself and i looked at my cynical half who laughed and then subsequently refused to pen me.

he countdown and my mind tried to imagine what the pain was like because it had been at ages since i had pierced the ears and probably six years for that other spot. so i hadnt any idea. the first one hurt and then we went lets get another. HAHA. and it wasnt all that bad. well not till later.

so, i have my three holes on ear. next time i do something spontaneous, it should be less painful. its been three nights sleeping on one side. still, it was fun.

yours,

jess

2007-08-27T00:39:00.000+08:00

it almost feels like its a new year..

2007-08-22T04:31:00.000+08:00

Dear jess

Ever since Saturday I had consciously made a decision to be happy. Well, no, its not one of those self help indulgences. Instead, it’s a conscious effort to be this expression I call crazy happy. I wonder if i excel, id be like avril lavigne and loose my “mojo”

Or perhaps quite the opposite, id gain back who I thought I always was. I use to be completely spontaneous and mad. And that shall return, just as much as my beloved cynical half has. And with that, im going to pierce something.

I had gone to the auditions and for once, it completely didn’t matter if I got it. I was singing myself home. I had done something I wanted too and I was feeling complete. Like the thought that it doesn’t matter anymore if I can be this or that, as long as I have done it and enjoyed doing it.

I’ve learned so much about people over the weekend and in return learned about myself. Ive seen the ones that try to include their boyfriends in their conversations, and the ones that try to include themselves in it. And ive also seen the ones that despite being so exhausted, still manage to make everyone laugh.

As for me, ive been completely blessed by a bunch of teenagers, a quick talking 12 year old who I miss greatly and all she has as a memory of me is a spongebob keychain. How appropriate.

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seein new eyes. Marcel Proust.

yours,

jess

2007-08-22T04:20:00.000+08:00

k, can someone explain to me what that is on the right side of a photo that looks like a pic of a family or something.... i don rmbr anything being there!

2007-08-22T04:18:00.000+08:00

2007-08-22T03:05:00.000+08:00

2007-08-22T02:56:00.000+08:00

2007-08-22T02:41:00.000+08:00

..dEaR jEsS sErIeS....

42

sometimes it doesn't matter how you StART, but how you end

where art thou?

beauty and the beast

scrooge

tong tong chAng

nEw yEaR, oLd bLOg

do my things own me or do i own my things?

wish list

taLk is CheAp

lain-lain

maybe i ShouLd reNaME my bLoG to "rAndOmnEsS"..

so wHo ReaLLy did WiN iDoL?

yOu knOW i HAve NO LiFE whEN i BloG aBouT iDOL!

aRe u A fAceBooK whOrE??

wHEN thErE's A gReat eXcuSe to ShOP

festa intrudu 2009

honey, honey

happy new year then.

don't rock the boat

im fat, are you?

kindness equals stupidity??

PAUSE

confessions of a commitment-phob

the wait.

*snore*

bleah

a change is gonna come... perhaps

what ive done with half a decade of my life

anger my faithful companion

the love of my life...

A.D. the performance

tragedy

an ulcer a week, keeps the chatterbox away

its always about.. love

aging with craze

...

the good die young

the countdown..

do one thing that scares you, everyday.

of black cats and green lights..

you can take the girl out of the jeans, but you cant take the jeans out of the girl

fashion advice?

...

how much are you worth?

when i grow up..

lets start where we should start

everyone wants a new slate, or so they think

its starting to look like..

leave me be

knock knock

mirror mirror

...

distinguishing it

simply put

ding dong bell

rain, rides and roaches

fifteen minutes to late

kiss me?

good honking vietnam

soap to wash your sins away, women falling on you, clubbing and going to the hospital at 530 am? welcome to singapore!

so good id curse

very quickly now

we are here again

who am i really?

back to school

it almost feels like its a new year..

snore