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dear jess,

a word of warning. being an adult means having more debt. clearly. :) instead of trapezing the world and having spare change to buy a handbag, it all goes into the house fund. ha. ha. of course this is just the normal definition of an adult.

still, there's much joy in having to put every hour and energy into the "new" house. houses these days are expensive, but the earlier you buy the better. buy a few months, worse still a few years later and the price hikes.

yesterday i painted the first coat of the undercoat of the walls and railings. tired. yeap - beyond tired. i went home and went to bed, and couldn't because my arms were aching. almost as if they were resonating to a tune or something. the last time that happen was when i was in vietnam, after canoing through limestones.

and then, theres the effect of watching a haunted show, and wondering if my house - dare i even say it out loud is "safe". its hilarious, my mind replays the show i watched! still, its mine. and i wish it was better- for instance i wish the grills were different and i had hard wooden floors. but u know, this is not the case.

its tough, i use to go shopping whenever i wanted and had money to "waste" on steaks and beers. :) well, the sacrifices we make right. im there, painting the railings and thinking this could be the house i bring up kids in, and the memory of me painting like a mad person will soon be distant. or this could be the house i shift out of in five years, who knows right.

oh well, my Father's mansion has many rooms, and maybe the one for me has hard wooden floors in it. :)

jess

sometimes it doesn't matter how you StART, but how you end

dear jess,

i was looking through my blog. it was interesting. it represented sides to me even i had forgotten existed. like it was meant, a diary that everyone could peek into. much has happened since i've written. clearly, neglected this for a long, long time.

2011 has been the year that i came into with similar expectations. that it wouldn't be as good as 2010 because there were so many high points in 2010 for me. nevertheless, there have been good times. it is after all, almost half the year

2011 has been challenging. and particularly at one school, which has given me hell since last year. i wont go into details but clearly, they've managed to make me cry on annual basis. in addition, ive made a major purchase on property- or at least am trying to, that too has been super challenging! and all the stresses just dumped on me at the same time, and stretched over.

however, there are always glimpses of hope. we had an awesome time with the StART charity run. i got to drive a triton for 10 hours, and my sis got to drive the pajero sport. we were all in the support cars and it was pretty fun and scary at times.

but as in all things, there are all sorts of people out there. alex ran 100km and he was always a good example, smiling and acknowledging everyone with eye contact as they cheered him on, even when he was exhausted! and we could tell!! he really is one of a kind :)

(pic from The Star)

the aim was to collect 100 k and alex would rum 100km (thats the same distance from here to melaka!) some people really touched my heart. i asked and fb status it, but there was so little response. i didnt get it. i mean, it was just 10 bucks minimum, and we'd pay more for starbucks!! and then, one of our students, william, himself pledged!! enough said right?! but at the end of the day we collected more than our target. :)

on a personal note. i think it is very difficult for people to be kind. especially in word and deed. say something nice, be someone nice. run a 100 km and still smile. and it is in circumstances like these that you see a persons true nature. light a candle, and instead of getting a kind thank you, someone screams at you for making a mistake. walk away and instead someone screams at you for straying away.

you can be here, and think you are doing something good, but in reality you were hurting someone around you. life is strange because we see ourselves through this one lens, and blame circumstances for the way we act.

its not about how many km's we ran, its about how we ran it.

yours,

jess

dear free spirit,

seriously? in my so called adulthood, i am still unsure of who i am and what i want. sometimes it makes you wonder if all the other "adults" know what they're doing or they're just winging it. i don't know, you know. i had a dream the other day and i think it scared me into waking up.

i was getting married.

bam. rude awakening! oh how i am hearing mocking voices already.

if i had my wish, what and who would i really be? have i succumbed to circumstances and people around me that i am too afraid of hurting?

you know, when you travel, its a weird thing. you'd meet all types of people. the man who's had six kids and looking for a one night- but would tell her upfront, the charming guy who falls head over heels in love with you after meeting you for a night, and you'd wonder, what could've or would've been? everyone, when travelling, takes a risk, they free themselves from who they have to be and just let themselves be. they live a little, risk a little. they take that surfboard into the ocean and think not of the consequences and ride the waves.

for a while, they let their spirit run free.

sometimes, when you're in your 30s but feel like you're in your 20s, just starting out and wanting to mold and shape your life. finding out if you should commit, but everyone around you seems certain, holding their annoying crying babies and telling you they have a wonderful life.

being an adult is so boring. i just wish i had the guts to live my life young.

jess

where art thou?

dear jess,

gosh, does anyone write anymore? or for that matter read...?? clearly, i haven't been doing much of any lately. its the last few months as the year closes.. i suppose i should tell you one of the few things thats happening in my life.

after six years of not being on stage, i'm finally in the midst of preparing for a performance! me- not only acting, but acting, singing and get this- dancing! ive always managed to make a 180 the minute i see an audition post that requires me to sing and dance.

i remember as we bumped in on the night of THSE and i stood on the stage alone. the smell- the feeling.. it was as if i was on stage again- i was pushed back into time, and i was on stage- theatres that now no longer even exist! there was a yearning... the one inside me that i thought i had put to rest, but clearly was very much alive.

sometimes, when i allow it too- i start to think of people that have "started" their journey in theatre with me. some of them are now directors, professional actors and even scriptwriters. many years back that ate some parts of me.

here i was, and i had very little "accomplished" what i would name as my passion.. or at least what i initially came to love- acting, being on stage.. it seemed like parts of me had to go on stage one more time, just to see..

no doubt, this is what i enjoy, but, part of me whispers to the other part of me, that i can leave this behind. that i would be happy living in a state that has no theatre. i can be happy not having to put myself out there, auditioning, seeing my peers live out my initial dream. i could. i would not be bitter, in fact i never thought i'd feel this way.

but perhaps, every once in the while when the beast awakens in me, i will feel otherwise and i will crave that longing, to be on stage, in character, making the audience laugh, and perhaps one day, cry.

in the meantime, see you on stage,
jess

beauty and the beast

dear jess,

i got a glimpse of what its like to be a mother. perhaps thats the funniest part of teaching- it takes years before you get "paid." i sat in the hall and then there he was, my ex theatre student. this class was especially special to me. i know, we're not suppose to pick favourites but seriously who are we kidding right? i had 16 kids and what made me particularly love this class was that they all had a sense of humour, talent, and chemistry. plus it was the only class i thought for 3 years straight.

there were more than one of my ex kids on stage but i was particularly proud of him. because he use to come in class, crack his jokes and for some reason was always the outcast, despite his talent. in addition, he refused to audition for the previous productions when i asked him too, telling me he didnt want to sing.

there he was today! singing and dancing, and acting! how does one not feel proud?! sometimes i feel like i did something in their lives, but sometimes i feel that it really is their talent, and i was just fortunate enough to be a part of their talent.

i had an overwhelming emotion sitting there, between almost tearing to smiling incessantly like an idiot.

im so proud of my babies..

your mama,
jess

scrooge

dear jess,

i realise that i am the scrooge of weddings. and possibly the only one i know who dares say that i am not a fan of weddings. i find it also a tad annoying sometimes.. i know, now my friends must be thinking that if i thought that of their wedding. perhaps not.

its quite hard to explain. i don't hate the people getting married, neither do i think that its not something to be celebrated. however, i find myself thinking every now and then- do people REALLY want to see your wedding photos in facebook? do people really want to know how you met? and why you think your guy is the best person to be married to? what makes you think i want to take home a picture of you and your newlywed no matter how nice the picture is?

right, maybe thats it. the seemingly full of their selfness that comes across at weddings? or perhaps that i sometimes have to sit down through a speech that gave the bride's full on resume.. or take home a candle that i will never burn? (which i find strangely hard to resist)

i wonder what the ghosts of past, present and future will have to say about this. haha.

still, i am looking forward to some weddings this year. i am, as always a contradiction on so many levels.

jess

tong tong chAng

dear jess.

happy cny in advance- while we're at it, happy "intrudu" and valentines. :) haha. last year i had so much fun at intrudu, the 40days before lent water festival. unfortunately this year i don think i can go for the water throwing festivities although technically i'll be in melaka. i guess i have to be the good daughter and come down with my folks instead of going down the day earlier, play water on the first day of CNY and get my folks to drive themselves down.


thats me in the chinese newspaper :P

(*side track- the person on d far left, danny, passed away boxing day 09, taking his life tragically due to depression. he was such a fun and cheerful guy and we didnt know he suffered. mental illness is serious and there is no shame in seeking medical attention. malaysians should be encouraged to seek physchiatric treatment and counselling without hesitation.)

i remember last year, it didnt feel like it was a start to the new year, and cny was our "second chance." saying that you know what - let's do this again and get it right this time :) haha. this year however, its been great. i think it helps that i have a couple of new things. namely my BABY :) i love my new car sooo much :) it feels like in some way this is my first car, because i chose it and im gonna be footing the bills as well. dont get me wrong i loved my old car, in fact as i was driving it one last time i almost cried! haha i flashed back to when i use to drive it around bangi and kajang, times when i sat in it crying and even when i hit into other cars.. that car was so heavy and turning it was awful! but it brought me everywhere, my first teaching jobs... ahhh

so yeah ive been so fixated on my baby, i will park, come out and imagine if anyone might hit into it, so i'd repark. i will clean the carpets and try to get that tiny dirt, i will go crazy when my dad doesnt off the aircond before turning off the engine or start it without waiting for the signal to go off. it actually hurts me physically. its strange for me because ive always been so laid back about everything.

:)

anyways where was i? oh yes, new things. the other thing, that i think has gotten me pretty excited about the year is that artistically i have been doing - or trying to do some new things at school(s) and at church. i have been in the church arts comm for years, and i remember and admit that it has been a chore some times. and especially when it comes to church plays, it feels like you have done the same things over and over again. i suppose partially thanks to my "sidekick" i don't feel like im doing this alone and since this year, having been able to bounce off ideas with someone made it feel soooo fulfilling. my sidekick is leaving this year :(

anyways, this year we found a piece that remarkably is different from the previous years - in addition we will be performing in PJLA! a "real" theatre! our group! i am so excited and sooo freaked out at the same time. my mind is running with the things we need to do and so on so forth.

so. its going to be my year this year :) make it yours too!

have a great CNY!

xoxo
jess