where art thou?

dear jess,

gosh, does anyone write anymore? or for that matter read...?? clearly, i haven't been doing much of any lately. its the last few months as the year closes.. i suppose i should tell you one of the few things thats happening in my life.

after six years of not being on stage, i'm finally in the midst of preparing for a performance! me- not only acting, but acting, singing and get this- dancing! ive always managed to make a 180 the minute i see an audition post that requires me to sing and dance.

i remember as we bumped in on the night of THSE and i stood on the stage alone. the smell- the feeling.. it was as if i was on stage again- i was pushed back into time, and i was on stage- theatres that now no longer even exist! there was a yearning... the one inside me that i thought i had put to rest, but clearly was very much alive.

sometimes, when i allow it too- i start to think of people that have "started" their journey in theatre with me. some of them are now directors, professional actors and even scriptwriters. many years back that ate some parts of me.

here i was, and i had very little "accomplished" what i would name as my passion.. or at least what i initially came to love- acting, being on stage.. it seemed like parts of me had to go on stage one more time, just to see..

no doubt, this is what i enjoy, but, part of me whispers to the other part of me, that i can leave this behind. that i would be happy living in a state that has no theatre. i can be happy not having to put myself out there, auditioning, seeing my peers live out my initial dream. i could. i would not be bitter, in fact i never thought i'd feel this way.

but perhaps, every once in the while when the beast awakens in me, i will feel otherwise and i will crave that longing, to be on stage, in character, making the audience laugh, and perhaps one day, cry.

in the meantime, see you on stage,
jess

beauty and the beast

dear jess,

i got a glimpse of what its like to be a mother. perhaps thats the funniest part of teaching- it takes years before you get "paid." i sat in the hall and then there he was, my ex theatre student. this class was especially special to me. i know, we're not suppose to pick favourites but seriously who are we kidding right? i had 16 kids and what made me particularly love this class was that they all had a sense of humour, talent, and chemistry. plus it was the only class i thought for 3 years straight.

there were more than one of my ex kids on stage but i was particularly proud of him. because he use to come in class, crack his jokes and for some reason was always the outcast, despite his talent. in addition, he refused to audition for the previous productions when i asked him too, telling me he didnt want to sing.

there he was today! singing and dancing, and acting! how does one not feel proud?! sometimes i feel like i did something in their lives, but sometimes i feel that it really is their talent, and i was just fortunate enough to be a part of their talent.

i had an overwhelming emotion sitting there, between almost tearing to smiling incessantly like an idiot.

im so proud of my babies..

your mama,
jess

scrooge

dear jess,

i realise that i am the scrooge of weddings. and possibly the only one i know who dares say that i am not a fan of weddings. i find it also a tad annoying sometimes.. i know, now my friends must be thinking that if i thought that of their wedding. perhaps not.

its quite hard to explain. i don't hate the people getting married, neither do i think that its not something to be celebrated. however, i find myself thinking every now and then- do people REALLY want to see your wedding photos in facebook? do people really want to know how you met? and why you think your guy is the best person to be married to? what makes you think i want to take home a picture of you and your newlywed no matter how nice the picture is?

right, maybe thats it. the seemingly full of their selfness that comes across at weddings? or perhaps that i sometimes have to sit down through a speech that gave the bride's full on resume.. or take home a candle that i will never burn? (which i find strangely hard to resist)

i wonder what the ghosts of past, present and future will have to say about this. haha.

still, i am looking forward to some weddings this year. i am, as always a contradiction on so many levels.

jess

tong tong chAng

dear jess.

happy cny in advance- while we're at it, happy "intrudu" and valentines. :) haha. last year i had so much fun at intrudu, the 40days before lent water festival. unfortunately this year i don think i can go for the water throwing festivities although technically i'll be in melaka. i guess i have to be the good daughter and come down with my folks instead of going down the day earlier, play water on the first day of CNY and get my folks to drive themselves down.


thats me in the chinese newspaper :P

(*side track- the person on d far left, danny, passed away boxing day 09, taking his life tragically due to depression. he was such a fun and cheerful guy and we didnt know he suffered. mental illness is serious and there is no shame in seeking medical attention. malaysians should be encouraged to seek physchiatric treatment and counselling without hesitation.)

i remember last year, it didnt feel like it was a start to the new year, and cny was our "second chance." saying that you know what - let's do this again and get it right this time :) haha. this year however, its been great. i think it helps that i have a couple of new things. namely my BABY :) i love my new car sooo much :) it feels like in some way this is my first car, because i chose it and im gonna be footing the bills as well. dont get me wrong i loved my old car, in fact as i was driving it one last time i almost cried! haha i flashed back to when i use to drive it around bangi and kajang, times when i sat in it crying and even when i hit into other cars.. that car was so heavy and turning it was awful! but it brought me everywhere, my first teaching jobs... ahhh

so yeah ive been so fixated on my baby, i will park, come out and imagine if anyone might hit into it, so i'd repark. i will clean the carpets and try to get that tiny dirt, i will go crazy when my dad doesnt off the aircond before turning off the engine or start it without waiting for the signal to go off. it actually hurts me physically. its strange for me because ive always been so laid back about everything.

:)

anyways where was i? oh yes, new things. the other thing, that i think has gotten me pretty excited about the year is that artistically i have been doing - or trying to do some new things at school(s) and at church. i have been in the church arts comm for years, and i remember and admit that it has been a chore some times. and especially when it comes to church plays, it feels like you have done the same things over and over again. i suppose partially thanks to my "sidekick" i don't feel like im doing this alone and since this year, having been able to bounce off ideas with someone made it feel soooo fulfilling. my sidekick is leaving this year :(

anyways, this year we found a piece that remarkably is different from the previous years - in addition we will be performing in PJLA! a "real" theatre! our group! i am so excited and sooo freaked out at the same time. my mind is running with the things we need to do and so on so forth.

so. its going to be my year this year :) make it yours too!

have a great CNY!

xoxo
jess

nEw yEaR, oLd bLOg

dear jess,

im trying to remember the year. clearly i have an awful memory. i cant even remember what i did last week. so reminiscing is kinda hard. so ive looked thru my photos.. let seeeee

i went to cambodia with k. it was nice, i remember the being in awe and overwhelming feeling when i first stepped into angkor wat. i wonder if i will get to travel to somewhere new this year..

skip a few months..

my youngest and second youngest cousins get married, leaving mua to be the last girl on my mums side who's not married (woohooo). i reckon tho its just me who realises this :P

i discover...

hoegaarden, patron and drinks of all sorts.. its not that i haven't been drinking before this, but ive never been much of a beer drinker till i travelled this year and it was too hot, with beer being the best way to cool down :)

leaving me a beer belly..

i was gonna put more photos, but of course its just too much work :) im not gonna account my year as what ive done and have not done, accomplished and more likely- not accomplished. maybe these are just snapshots in my life.

you know, as it reached the end of the year i was a little bit sad, as always. i guess i wanted what rueben has with his family. every christmas they have the whole family down from all over, and since his mum has 6 siblings (or something) they have a huge family. family dinners, and even family gift exchange, family quiz trivias, AND annual uncle versus nephew football match! i mean who wouldnt enjoy a family like that right?

it made me a little sad, i started to remember when my extended family use to do that, see each other over the holidays, travel together, have sunday dinners ..

just saying. sometimes it feels that im the only one who wants to achieve a tradition like this. maybe i should just have 6kids and make them come back for christmas next time. maybe i'm being dramatic, but it feels like i have a hole to this window and i know that if some things arent preserved now, we will loose it soon enough.

here's to 2010. i have a wonderful list of resolutions i am happy to have penned down, divided into quarterly year to-do's :) gain a new skill, read a whole lot of books and saving are just some of them.

i know that the year will disappoint me and i will disappoint me and people around me will disappoint me. i'm sure there will be deaths and celebrations all round. still, we do the best we can and let Him do the rest.

yours,
jess