Monday, June 23, 2008

what ive done with half a decade of my life

dear jess,

so it seems like it is finally over. and how do you tell a story? im not much of a story writer, more of a feeling writer, if there is such a word. i hate telling stories, getting into the details, remembering twists, turns and stuff.. but this is important, so ill try.

i have finally arrived at the threshold of a journey that i thought would never end, or would end in ways i didnt want. i decided many years back to do this and i applied to do my masters, but i was rejected the first time because apparently i did geography in uni as a minor. then the following year, i thought id apply again and this time, i had resolved to the fact that if i didnt get it i would be okay with it, and in addition to that i told God that it would be a sign for me to take another path. but i got in.

and i took that as a sign that this was my calling, God wants me here. i went and did my one and a half years of coursework and for once i was acing most of my exams! i actually enjoyed wat i was studying thoroughly and when it came time to do my thesis, i thought i did what was right. one year with the lecturer, and he splits. he just leaves me stranded and in addition to that he didnt help me in my thesis or tell me what i was doing wrong. or the fact that the thesis wouldnt work! when i presented the thesis, i was ambushed publicly and made statements that made me look like a perfect idiot.

it felt like a tragic day. i went home and cried. i was in my room feeling sorry for myself when i heard my grandma going to the toilet. she was throwing up. my grandmother never throws up. so i went in and rubbed her back she told me that she had a bad headache. i went and got her medication, and lied down next to her. i rubbed her back and talked to her. that was the last day i talked to her.

i spent at least one semester doing nothing. three years passed- not even in that order. i told u i was bad with details. then i went to 'the legend' of a lecturer. he said to me this one thing that revived my soul. this is not just your work. its yours and mine. okay, more than one thing. i could have hugged him. in a world where everyone would die before they took any unnecessary responsibility over someone else, here was this man, known for all he had done in the theatre world tellin little broken me that he would be there, that my failure would be his, and my success just as much his..

so we took a year to research, at least, and then we send it in. and then i hit another bump. lecturers who marked my work but didnt know it. i had to do large corrections, some of which were way off. he was there again. "the legend" defended me in the meetings and even discarded one of the examiners stupid corrections.

i reached the end of my road last few months and had resigned to the fact, that its okay, anything happens will be fine by me. i was expecting the worse, that my work would come back and it wouldnt be good, and i wont graduate this year.

but it wasnt so. as of today i sent it to the copiers and they are gonna bind it. i still have this nagging feeling that maybe something will go wrong. i suppose when you come this near to realizing a "dream" it feels like it might not happen.

ive had to endure people giving me looks after they go "you're still studying?" "you're not done?" "what are you doing?."

its finished. one phase of my life is almost finish. i suppose God knew he'd want me on this path for so many years, for some reason. maybe in a comical way, i should've been careful for what i asked God for. so. this is my life. ill always remeber these five years. i will always remember that the day i presented the thesis is the day i lost mama. i will remember that someone was willing to share his life with me so that i can succeed. most of all, i will remember that the God who has led me here will always bring me through.

chapter. end. and a new, long one begins.


Thursday, June 19, 2008

anger my faithful companion


have you ever reached that point in your life when anger and dissapointment overwhelms you? when you think you want to change your life, leave the country or attempt the things you've been avoiding? if i could realise anger into some form of material being and pour it into my car, i could drive with it too china, back and still have ample.

when im angry, i clean, wash the laundry and then make plans to change my life.

ive had so many wasted opportunities and sometimes i sit here and wonder, when someone has just told me that im not going to be part of the voice over project because they didnt need any more females- and i was the last to reply my email. i sit here and wonder.

truth is im so tired. im tired of this "business" im tired of always wondering am i good enough? im tired of putting on my thick skin and going for auditions. i want to live in a world where i dont have to prove to anyone im good enough, especially me. i want to live in a world where i can spend my time not waiting. not waiting for someone to ask. not waiting for my cheques. not waiting for the one i love to finally decide to spend time with me.

im gonna fuel up my car now and go to china. will be back soon. i think anger lasts shorter than i would like it to.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

the love of my life...

this is soooooooooo good.. one "cube" is four times the size of the normal chocolate. its awesome.. only problem is that its from rome.

hmm wonder if i can find it here. i shall be doing more chocolate "reviews" soon :P


Saturday, June 07, 2008