Wednesday, March 30, 2005

mY bLeSsiNg, My cUrSe.

Dear jess,

I knew one day, one of these two would get me into trouble of some kind. Number one, being an "artist" number two, being a girl who has male best friends. Little of course did i realise, that the combination of these two was fatal, in some psychological way.

Sadly, due to the number two, my personal life has lately become a public life, and if you knew me as well as karine knows, you'd know thats the one thing i hate more than anything else in the world. Even more so i had to sit in what i would describe as being in the scrutiny of incriminiting question not just on my personal life but my personal most intimate feelings! Just so as to satisfy my accusers, i cringed answering, waiting for the ground to eat me or up or tears to well up, but nothing of that sort happened, just my luck, i wasnt dreaming.

Hence, the saga of my life continues.

A director once said, to be an artists- it is our blessing, it is our curse. It is our blessing because believe it or not not everyone has a passion for it (thank your lucky stars!) and it is our curse because we need to do it, love it, practice it in an insecure cycle of perhaps not getting a stable job - as that is the typical perception. It is the drug we need.

Perhaps thats why most artists are always depressed and in their odd personality types they are strong against all odds of what society thinks of them.

Then enters my story. So once again what does the equation of being an "artist" and the number two get you into? Trouble. Having been accused of several things that i cant wait to be proven innocent, amongst them is making other people love the arts and consider it as a future career, i sit here and for once, unlike all artist i wont mellow in depression. If it is true that i discovered and gave breath to just one other person who's passion and soul thrives on not just the arts, but using this gift for God, then i shall smile.

I shall smile knowing that if ever you were privillaged to be an artist and have an "insecure" job, and that you have to rely on God for jobs, and for God to provide an income, whilst you so faithfully practice your gift, then so be it, blame me for all i care. After all, arent most artists misunderstood?

yours the starving artist,


Monday, March 28, 2005

iF itS sO fUnNy hOw cOme iM nOt LauGhInG?

dear jess,

Isaiah said My mind reels; my heart races; I am gripped by awful fear. all rest at night - so pleasant once - is gone; I lie awake, trembling.

its funny how human beings are.

ive been up to mt kinabalu and back, in the rain, the last one to reach, having an injured walking partner to support, leaving the jungle after 10 and yet human beings are the hardest feat.

Its funny how people can be.

my grandmother passes away and in less than 3 weeks my closes cousin's mum passes away. Today we have an extended adopted family who has lost a wonderful mum and my mum's closest sister in law. And yet the grief of another human beings words hurt longer and is remembered further.

Its childish how earthlings are.

The same day my grandmother passed- which was officially the worse so far because i had pre-anticipated a huge VIVA in front of lecturers and friends, defending not only my theses that gave me sleepless nights but my ego, which came out crumbling, fades in comparison to the fact that i remain baffled that people twice my age who have misjudge me, not only fail to confront me but sees it fit to bring it up to someone else of "higher authority" instead.

Its stupid how human beings can be.

need i even explain this one?

jess, ive always been nothing less than honest to you. In the depths of my heart i wish that i dont have to write such painful letters. But they are the truth. I can't tell you although you probably already know, despite being Easter, this Sunday was one of the worse days of my life. Ive never had an issue escalate so quickly and so out of hand that i dont know what to do. And so i sit here awaiting my fate, hoping that there is still some justice left on this earth.

Its scary what humans what humans are capable of.

I did a self mutilation 'cruelty exercise' recommended by Coehlo (maybe ill tell you about it one day) that left the skin in between my thumb raw for days and yet, the rawness of people thinking that they are right, and going all out to make my life miserable fades in comparison.

The consequences? I have to sacrifice a friendship. So please if i write more depressing letters dont hate me. Deep in my heart, i want them to stop too.

yours looking to the God of justice and hope,

Thursday, March 24, 2005

tHe ePiToMe oF pAiN

dear pain,

when will you leave me? when will you go and let me be alone? You seem to be there at every crevice and crack i hide from you. Leave me and let me be. I look to things and friends to help me, but it only eases you for a while, for you always return to me, swearing your vengence.

You reside in the depths of my soul and heart, and make my heart melt within me. My nights and days become dreary and hands shiver from fear. Leave me and let me be, can't you see im already wretched.

I can name the people who brought you to me, but whats the point? You wont leave. The pain you bring with these people who have come to claim me guilty, judge me, and what's more, now they want to confront me with this lies they so persistantly believe.

I long for you to leave, and give me back my peace. I long to taste the joys of existing without fear. The strength of confidence that i am innocent. My bed gives me no rest, my eyes wont let me stop tearing, my heart wont stop sinking.

I long to write letters with more dreams of joy and less pain, but alas that is not to come. I long back for the days when people loved without judging, when he understood, and when she let me stay in her home despite not knowing me well, when they showed me that being Christians were opening their lives to me, when he made me believe in myself. Those sweet days are strangers now.

Dont be alarmed, and dont think that you have to comfort me. I hope it passes, and when i come out of it, be it in failure or victory, i hope to write you letters of joy and dreams once again.


Monday, March 21, 2005

rEaLitY hAs a KnAcK fOr hItTiNG hArD - ALL tHe tImE

dear jess,

what is it with this man called Reality? i keep bumping into him every now and then. A colourful odd ball that one, carmouflages with just about everything. Just yesterday Reality disguised himself as a she, called me up. She claimed to be the mother of my best friend and said something terribly nasty. I listened carefully and thought, ah ive heard this voice before! The last time i heard it, she was making fictitious claims, that i must say terribly upset me. This time, i was surprisingly calm. So as i was saying, she claimed alot of anger in her words, and she even called me a ***** twice. Lets just say no one has, and this coming from a 40 plus mother was amusing to say the least. So wat do you do when Reality calls you and doesnt let you justify yourself, because Reality has already decided who and what you are? what do you do?? why, you hang up on him of course!

But, as some of us are already aware, Reality is a stubborn one too. Following that, Reality insisted on coming over for tea today and he got me thinking. He told me about this woman he met- Ms Dysfunctional. She is a pain in the neck. They use to date i think. anyways, what she does is pry into families when they werent watching. In my best friend's case, she was a long term house guest. The mother would pry into the private lives of her son or daugther and would then think that her adult son shouldn't be friends with this girl or guy base on external factors, youve heard them before, stuff like racism? Amazing, because Ms Dysfunctional has the amazing knack of making people think their views of the world and other people are all wrong, except theirs! so what do these mothers do? They actually call up their children's friends so that they can scream the very bad words to them that they've taught their own kids not to use.

Reality explained that people are far and beyond what we imagine them to be, that Ms Dysfunctional was the key to todays's society, that many children suffer under their parent's 'rule' and all this at the same time appearing 'godly' and pure to its finest degree, they are the same ones who emotionally torment their children, and anyone who dares to be close to their kids suffer the same wrath.

And while Reality was talking, baby Thanksgiving whispered to me, and looking back at my own family i rejoiced that my parents were gold in comparison to what Reality explained.

A little while over tea, baby Confusion crawled in. Confusion got me thinking about how could families like these exist not only in our society but in our churches? Confusion kept repeating to me past thoughts about names and gossips that have hurt me before. Confusion for a second even led me to think that it was my fault that cause all these dsyfunctionality.

Just as i was about to hit bulk of depressions, Reality put his heavy hand on Confusion, told him to hit the road, and reminded me of but another friend who had Dsyfunctional in her home for the last 20 years or so. In her home, Dysfunctional made her father hit her mother. Once again, this happens right under our noses! Is Dysfunctional still living there? will she continue to live on?

Reality then did something weird, he looked me into my eyes and he cried. He said jess, i hate to tell you this, but im gonna have to live with you for a long time. as long as you have best friends with Ms. Dysfunctional living in their homes, and as long as you have girlfriends who needs you when Dysfunctional makes her dad hit her mum, im gonna be living with you. So get use to the fact that i sleep anywhere i like, eat anytime i like, i dont flush after peeing and everything about me spells uncomfortable to you.

Well, i was about to tell Reality that no one tells me how my life is going to be and all the other nonsense i abide my life with when another voice hit me. Softer and yet louder that Reality's. Was it the voice of reason? Or was it the voice of Hilarious because i could still laugh? Was it the voice of Pain because it felt like my heart was taken out and chewed on, and then placed right back in? Was it the voice of anger that Carmouflaged itself?

I think it was a combination of voices. First came the voice of helplesness that just told me to lie back and let it go, because there is nothing i could do. Then came the voice of Hilarious that made me laugh because people like these were blinded by their own fault, and yet had the amazing capability of picking out somebody elses. Then came confusion and just about everyone decided to take the day of to visit me.

finally, came the voice of God. Yes, i've rarely spoken of Him in my letters to you, but dont be mistaken jess, He has been the very voice of Grace. I couldnt explain it but along with his voice came a sense of calmness and joy. Sure i was angry that Reality was going to be my permanent roomate and with that came a flood of other horrific emotions.

its difficult to explain. The pain and the longing to change things remain but as long as Reality is still walking aoround my room STARK naked i sit back realising that there is little i can do- for now.

yours schizophrenicly,

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

wHeN iCe mELts..

Dear jess,

Although i have never been a fan of Sigmund Freud, I am reminded now, the 5 cycles of grief, or emotions similar. The first one? Denial.

If you havent met Cold hearted people yet, please, at all cost, avoid them. Although i too am not a believer of the study of astrology, some of it oddly seems to talk about me. An aries, people born in the fires signs as well, somehow encompass these Cold hearted people that i speak of.

Cold hearted people can make decisions in a split second, grieve or feel sad about it in a week, then move on. Even those that effect friendship and relationship. This bunch of oddities have a high ability of moving on in life, not looking back, starting anew and being competitive. Or do they?

As bad as i make us out to be, we really do feel alot. Perhaps it is denial to a certain extend that awaits a fresh encounter, or something that sparks the thought. Perhaps it is when someone you hurt mentions somethin, or a picture, or a thought that brings back flood of memories and emotions.

Perhaps it is the inability to change situations and the stark reality that makes us the cold hearted ones a misunderstood bunch. But nevermind that, whilst we are the last ones who would be seen as romantics and the first ones to be seen as ice queens, we do hurt for you.

Perhaps it is pride and denial that brings together for a nasty combination that will not admit how we feel. Perhaps it is the will power and strength of being rational that overrides our emotion.

Our gift, and our curse is the ability to separate our emotions, that really one day does come back to haunt us. And when it does, we too like you cry, regret and hurt for the fact that there are forces bigger than us and our emotions. Maybe we only feel that way for a short while, but in its intensity, we still hurt.

unfortunately yours ,

Thursday, March 10, 2005

wHaTs wOrSe tHaN dYiNG?

dear jess,

living an unchallenged life.

Being a possibly manic deppresive person, life couldnt possibly be more colourful. when you are happy and high, it feels like you just sucked the life out of a world of adrenaline, your heart starts to pump, the smile on your face refuses to fade and your talk becomes not just faster, but louder, excitable. You feel that you have fallen in love with the world all over again, nothing can change that or challenge that, and anyone willing to even let their shadow fall on your path is defaced, eaten up alive.

Then as if to balance out the yin and yang, you have those dreary days, normal people like to think that its depression they face, but God forbid it that they ever do. Life becomes dreary and stark dry like the dessert of the sahara and normal chores become an impossibility.

But then there is possibly another side that psychologist have yet to discover. The one where life becomes normal. Everything starts to set itself in pace, its just normal. How can one live with that? Its not an up, its not a down.. its a flat. flat! what do you do when its flaT???!!!!

There are the normal shares of people annoying you and also the ones loving you but so what? There are the normal shares of jobs to be done, money to be made, but so what?
Scripts to be done, performances to watch, auditions to go to, so what?
Suppers to gorge at, lunches in the heat, errands to be done, people to be met.. but so what?

I need something, someone or to go someplace to be jolted into gear. There have only been two people in my life who has done that. People who challenge me, my mind. One of whom i admire is already halfway around the world living out his dream. And so im left here thinking about my own pilgrimage i hope to make someday.

I need to find that place and i need to go there soon before my soul runs dry and im doomed to be trapped in the forever land of my flat, unchallanged life.

i do not like to admit that i might fear leaving this flat land, where it holds people and memories of those i love, taking the risks of changing those relationships and heading towards the unknown where i will melt into the faces, having no history, no ties, no one to fallback on. Perhaps that is not what i fear, perhaps what i fear is that i may never want to come back.

yours in hope of a pilgrimage,

tUeSdAY!!!! 50% oN wAfFLes!!!

dRiP dRiP dRiP goEs tHe sOunD oF mY sALiVa.. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

sOmEtHing yUmmY aNd sOmeThiNg nOt sO yUmmY...hehe Posted by Hello

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

wHaT bEtTeR wAy To sPeNd yOuR LaSt NiTe In MaLaySia ThaN bEiNg iN... SpaiN!

oNe of THe mAnY LoVeLy piCs On ThE wALLs Of LaBoDeGa Posted by Hello
eRRR bRanDon errRR or wAS it dARREN?? ERR hahah sorryYY "BiG d" isshh nama ni glamour Posted by Hello
La BoDeGa, mAkIng pIcTurErisTiQue hIstOry... Posted by Hello
soRrY GirL bUt iTs sO coOL lerRrrRrrRr Posted by Hello

Monday, March 07, 2005

sEcOnd hOme.. LONG BLACK!!

mE & mY cYniCaL hALf (gosh i luv that nic girl haha) gAsP yOuR pIc oN tHe NeT fOr d wOrLd tO sEE!!!! Posted by Hello
dontttt go thinking stuff that hot dog was really yummy k... Posted by Hello

Thursday, March 03, 2005

aNd wE WoNdEr wHy peOpLe cOnsIdEr sUiciDE..

dear jess,

Have you ever wondered what a suicide note would sound like? mine at least? Oh dont worry, id just like to be melodramatic for a bit. I think it would go something like this..

To whoever who reads this first. By now, you would have found my body all sprawled no wait i decided to take some medication instead, i mean i surely didnt want an ugly body at my funeral. Yes, yes, it isnt funny right now considering the events that have taken place.

Let me move on, why yes, you all would be wondering why i committed suicide isnt it? tsk tsk, the ardous task of making you try to understand is just too much for me, but if it makes you happy, so be it.

I contemplated this decision so carefully in the last three months. Whilst doing so, I decided to put in a good work or two, so i could contribute to society. By doing so however, people misunderstood me, and thought i was doing it for my self glorification. Odd, considering i didnt think that my time at the old folks home cleaning up their poo was very glorifying at all. But nevermind, i put that behind me.

The next thing on my pre-suicide consideration was to spend as much time with my lovely friends as possible. lets see there was Ben and Ken, John and Lenny and of course Jamie. Yeah sure, i had more guy friends but that wasnt my fault that they made better friends than the girls (girls are too bitchy sometimes arent they..) So out i went with ben and ken, johnny and lenny, and you know what happen? Suddenly people thought it wasnt too nice to be seen hanging around with guys. Funny isnt it? our world sounds pretty much the same as when men carried clubs and women well who knew wat women did then.. And of course they all decided to judge me and suddenly i had a historical reputation that seemed like i had a huge 'A' in the front of my chest...

Well bother not these small minded people, i moved on to my pre-suicide considerations, and just did what i wanted and somehow as it turns out my friends were all younger than me too. Its probably not that funny since im such a big kid at heart. And of course by now 'the people' had something to say about that too, from the friends i had to the guys i dated. Wow. the people really dont have a life of their own do they? Im starting to feel like a celebrity on the front page of a gossip magazine with a sign that says 'Celebrity Star On the Edge Of Controversy Again...." with my face printed on in some 'scandalous" relationship apparently.

So it was the end of three months and i decided if i had my way i would be able to help society in a big way without commiting suicide- I would cut half of the populations tongue out- Its hilarious really, people can't handle a small little thing like that, its just too much responsibility, isnt it? But well since i thought about that i also realised i'd have to go open their mouths and fit my nice pretty hands into their big, Filthy, Stinking, mouths and i think weighing those possibilities, my own suicide sure sounded nicer than that.

Yes, perhaps its not worth my while to waste my life on a few tarts - or more than a few of them but i suppose a girl can only take so much. Funny isnt it how a little thing like that tongue of yours can make or break? You know whats even funnier?? The people who talk about me have this pretty, quite, good person image.. talk about irony??!!

I heard a quote once and ill try to recite it as the pills kick in..

Great People Talk about ideas,
Normal People Talk About Events,
Small People Talk About Other People..

To all the small people out there, goodbye forever, and oh if you wake up without your tongue tomorrow morning.. just remember me laughing in your face..

I havent thought about how people sign off suicide notes.. but yeah,

So wat do you think jess?

i wait upon you Lord, in tears i cry, please hear my cry, and seek judgement for me, Tired of being judged, and tired of being assumed.. Let your judgement come quick, and your comfort just as swift.....

Yours when it feels like im dying inside,