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dear jess,

a word of warning. being an adult means having more debt. clearly. :) instead of trapezing the world and having spare change to buy a handbag, it all goes into the house fund. ha. ha. of course this is just the normal definition of an adult.

still, there's much joy in having to put every hour and energy into the "new" house. houses these days are expensive, but the earlier you buy the better. buy a few months, worse still a few years later and the price hikes.

yesterday i painted the first coat of the undercoat of the walls and railings. tired. yeap - beyond tired. i went home and went to bed, and couldn't because my arms were aching. almost as if they were resonating to a tune or something. the last time that happen was when i was in vietnam, after canoing through limestones.

and then, theres the effect of watching a haunted show, and wondering if my house - dare i even say it out loud is "safe". its hilarious, my mind replays the show i watched! still, its mine. and i wish it was better- for instance i wish the grills were different and i had hard wooden floors. but u know, this is not the case.

its tough, i use to go shopping whenever i wanted and had money to "waste" on steaks and beers. :) well, the sacrifices we make right. im there, painting the railings and thinking this could be the house i bring up kids in, and the memory of me painting like a mad person will soon be distant. or this could be the house i shift out of in five years, who knows right.

oh well, my Father's mansion has many rooms, and maybe the one for me has hard wooden floors in it. :)

jess

sometimes it doesn't matter how you StART, but how you end

dear jess,

i was looking through my blog. it was interesting. it represented sides to me even i had forgotten existed. like it was meant, a diary that everyone could peek into. much has happened since i've written. clearly, neglected this for a long, long time.

2011 has been the year that i came into with similar expectations. that it wouldn't be as good as 2010 because there were so many high points in 2010 for me. nevertheless, there have been good times. it is after all, almost half the year

2011 has been challenging. and particularly at one school, which has given me hell since last year. i wont go into details but clearly, they've managed to make me cry on annual basis. in addition, ive made a major purchase on property- or at least am trying to, that too has been super challenging! and all the stresses just dumped on me at the same time, and stretched over.

however, there are always glimpses of hope. we had an awesome time with the StART charity run. i got to drive a triton for 10 hours, and my sis got to drive the pajero sport. we were all in the support cars and it was pretty fun and scary at times.

but as in all things, there are all sorts of people out there. alex ran 100km and he was always a good example, smiling and acknowledging everyone with eye contact as they cheered him on, even when he was exhausted! and we could tell!! he really is one of a kind :)

(pic from The Star)

the aim was to collect 100 k and alex would rum 100km (thats the same distance from here to melaka!) some people really touched my heart. i asked and fb status it, but there was so little response. i didnt get it. i mean, it was just 10 bucks minimum, and we'd pay more for starbucks!! and then, one of our students, william, himself pledged!! enough said right?! but at the end of the day we collected more than our target. :)

on a personal note. i think it is very difficult for people to be kind. especially in word and deed. say something nice, be someone nice. run a 100 km and still smile. and it is in circumstances like these that you see a persons true nature. light a candle, and instead of getting a kind thank you, someone screams at you for making a mistake. walk away and instead someone screams at you for straying away.

you can be here, and think you are doing something good, but in reality you were hurting someone around you. life is strange because we see ourselves through this one lens, and blame circumstances for the way we act.

its not about how many km's we ran, its about how we ran it.

yours,

jess

dear free spirit,

seriously? in my so called adulthood, i am still unsure of who i am and what i want. sometimes it makes you wonder if all the other "adults" know what they're doing or they're just winging it. i don't know, you know. i had a dream the other day and i think it scared me into waking up.

i was getting married.

bam. rude awakening! oh how i am hearing mocking voices already.

if i had my wish, what and who would i really be? have i succumbed to circumstances and people around me that i am too afraid of hurting?

you know, when you travel, its a weird thing. you'd meet all types of people. the man who's had six kids and looking for a one night- but would tell her upfront, the charming guy who falls head over heels in love with you after meeting you for a night, and you'd wonder, what could've or would've been? everyone, when travelling, takes a risk, they free themselves from who they have to be and just let themselves be. they live a little, risk a little. they take that surfboard into the ocean and think not of the consequences and ride the waves.

for a while, they let their spirit run free.

sometimes, when you're in your 30s but feel like you're in your 20s, just starting out and wanting to mold and shape your life. finding out if you should commit, but everyone around you seems certain, holding their annoying crying babies and telling you they have a wonderful life.

being an adult is so boring. i just wish i had the guts to live my life young.

jess