Saturday, December 29, 2007

everyone wants a new slate, or so they think

dear jess,

the year comes to an end, and im thrilled. somewhat, atlhough i dont know why. there are chances though that i will be terribly depressed as i go into another "age zone" in less than four months time..

ive read a book, and it tells of how in order for us to become better, or something like tat, we have to erase our personal history. and, at first that shocked me. for our personal history is who we are, isn't it? but ive come to realise that perhaps that is true. our personal history may trap us more than it gives us a sense of identity. our past traps us to think that we've made unforgivable mistakes, or that being a student and playing with snow was the best times of our lives, or that because we were once handsome, we might still have hope to become that again. ive seen people living in the past, and to a certain extend i do too, and truth be told, its getting awfully tiring. like tat old record playing over and over again or the uncle who keeps telling you the same story over and over again.

well, if i succesfully erase my personal history, that leaves me with not much writing material; of course with the excpetion of annoying people that i will always be able to write about.

sounds good right? im turning thirty soon (just to say it makes me quiver) and i dont have anything to succesfully show for it. im not worth a certain amount, im not at a certain social strata and for all the asians reading this, who rate success this way, im not married with kids. i guess what makes it okay would be that i dont care, i never have and refuse to. there, no personal history there?!

our attachment to things, experiences and routines are like personal histories.

If you have no personal history, no explanations are needed; nobody is angry or disillusioned with your acts. And above all no one pins you down with their thoughts. It is best to erase all personal history because that makes us free from the encumbering thoughts of other people.

Begin with simple things, such as not revealing what you really do. What's wrong is that once people know you, you are an affair taken for granted and from that moment on you won't be able to break the tie of their thoughts. I personally like the ultimate freedom of being unknown. No one knows me with steadfast certainty, the way people know you, for instance. From now on you must simply show people whatever you care to show them, but without ever telling exactly how you've done it. You see, we only have two alternatives; we either take everything for sure and real, or we don't. If we follow the first, we end up bored to death with ourselves and with the world. If we follow the second and erase personal history, we create a fog around us, a very exciting and mysterious state in which nobody knows where the rabbit will pop out, not even ourselves.

If you really want to learn, you have to remodel most of your behavior. You take yourself too seriously. You are too damn important in your own mind. That must be changed! You are so goddamn important that you feel justified to be annoyed with everything. You're so damn important that you can afford to leave if things don't go your way. I suppose you think that shows you have character. That's nonsense! You're weak, and conceited! In the course of your life you have not ever finished anything because of that sense of disproportionate importance that you attach to yourself.

excerpts from Journey to Ixtlan by Carlos Castaneda, on which Paolo Coehlo based his thoughts on for The Zahir.

so, looks like i have alot to work on for the new year. Well, happy new year and as they say in my mother tongue bong anu nobu :)


Thursday, December 13, 2007

its starting to look like..

dear jess,

im sitting here on the floor of a hotel, with the lappy on a makeshift table, which is a chair really. i dont really have anything to say except be like everyone else and perhaps i should somehow talk about the year and so on so forth.

i suppose we can measure the year in wat we've accomplished or how many people love us or how much we've done. which is why i usually dont do much of that. the only thing that i can count is the books ive read, which i tend to be quite proud of, even if its two.

but what i thought i was going to say, as i was on the way back from my grandmother's, grandfathers' and great grandmothers' graveyard this afternoon, here at the little town with 13 firsts of malaysia, was that we humans need to measure stuff, or do something in order to feel that we are of value or that we are alive.

we put flowers in the grave, despite the fact that it really wouldnt mean anything to a person who cant appreciate it anymore, people whomewe probably never bought flowers prior to their death, but it makes us feel good, or that we have something to do in the land which represents the absence of activities.

so anyways, the year, right?

i was looking forward to december, its a time of enjoying the christmas season, but not so much this one, because im crunching on my work and i need to finish that before christmas. otherwise i would be tagging along from shopping mall after shopping mall, and i would be in singapore, plus i would also be planning a childrens carolling in puchong. instead im stuck here, on my make shift table.

so i need to do those things, and buy those candy's i never eat so it feels like chrismas, you know.

back to the year.

well, by now, you would probably have realised that i have nothing to say about the year really. however im really proud that i manage to keep my life compartmentalise. does that make sense? perhaps not, because you're in one compartment that doesnt always have to understand what i was saying. i suppose im proud that i manage to keep my life to myself, and to me thats a big accomplishment. no award, no calculation just a personal satisfaction.

on that, let me leave you with a bizzare note, everyone should have carls jr, at least once in their lives, despite the fact that the burger cost 17 ringgit and the set 20 plus. yes, it is that good.


Sunday, December 02, 2007

leave me be

dear jess,

a friend of mine was asked today if i was attending another church.

it makes you wonder, that in my anger should i just start binge eating in the next few hours? or perhaps it makes you wonder why i would be angry in the first place?

see, the thing is, i have had a strange history with church. the "church" and me have not been the best of friends. we were, once. then the "church" betrayed me. it said things about me that were not only untrue, it has scarred me so much for a few years now, that i have changed.

when i was younger and slightly more idealistic, i did what was me, and did not bother what others should think, less their assumption was wrong anyways. but apparently in light of that, i was still accused of being certain things, from people who had spoken less than two words to me in my whole life.

they seem so sure. they would say, jessica is...... and that would follow a warning. i would be so angry and yet i couldnt do anything about it.

so, after i was severly scared i decided that the church and me had to have a slightly new relationship. one that didnt see me talking too much, or hanging out with too many guys, or laughing too much. my church relationship was one that got me there and back again with little view of me, less it was necessary.

thus, it shouldnt surprise you if you hadnt met my new pet, my new dress, my new attitude or even a new person in my life. i have worked so hard and keeping it all away, nothing in my life should mingle, lest they, she, it, or he be judged.

so my anger isnt in a statement, or in a perception that at least i was attending a church, even if it isnt the one that i really am attending. my anger, yet again, i think frustration, is in the fact that no matter what i do, people find a fascination in assuming about me, my life, people who i probably havent said more than two words to.

perhaps i should look on the bright side of life and realise that i still have true friends who check these strange statements with me, or perhaps assume that other people's lives really arent interesting and they find that they just have to talk about me. perhaps that i should think that im like a superstar in my own life, getting "rumoured" about my oh - so - interesting life.

when my human spirit feels like its failing in me, when i feel that im so fed up and i have been doing good by not laughing too loud, or talking too much, or being seen and all else has failed.. i guess it brings back haunted memories.

im tired of being trapped as a creature of my past. so im going to pull up my sleeves and roll with it. the next time someone asks, tell them i attend a church in singapore every weekend, my boyfriend is brad pitt and that im migrating in the next two months. if someones going to talk about me, i should at least have some fun, no?

yours, and by that i mean mine,