Tuesday, August 30, 2005

obsession killed the cat

dear jess,

Hi. my name is Jessica and i probably have an obssesive finding disorder. I cant explain it, but i have the strongest urge to look up a friend. The worse part is, im so obssessed i wont give up till i track my 'illusive friend' down.

This has caused me two nights of googling and wrecking my brains out. Six degrees of separation right? And to think i thought just about everyone is on friendster, in search of my illusive friend, i instead find the most interesting and unexpected connections. Some other guy knows my some other friend!!

Curiosity is getting the better of me, and im not even sure anymore if i want to find the friend, or the whole need to just solve this big puzzle. Oh well, my medic friend, issac moses peter, who is probably a doctor by now, graduated from USM, KKB (kampus kota bharu) so if you know a link, ill buy you lunch.

This reminds me of the time when my cousins and sister use to spy on the neighbours house and wonder why he came back at suspicious hours, and why the grass was unkept. Maybe the simple explanation was that he was just a bachelor..

oh well, sigh, i wont rest till i find my ilusive friend. like i said, i cant explain obsessive disorders.. Maybe i just need to get a real job that sits me behind a desk for hours. might do me some good. haha.

from the one who will attend self help groups for the doughnuts,

Friday, August 26, 2005

piCkLe me Please

dear jess,

Ive been thinking somewhat, and i realised the answers to self preservation.

Ignorance. Stupidity. Not giving a rat's ass.

Thats it. Im sure you've seen it. At the office, and when no one takes the fall, the guilty go 'huh?? is it ah? i didnt know wor.. sorry.." Or "yalar i very blur, you do lar" Im starting to think that i have absolutely no patience left in my blood. Na-da.

I was when i was younger, but now then im older and need to concentrate on self- preservation, i think im just gonna give up. Ive spent some amount of days running around like a headless duck picking up the pieces of peoples undone jobs, creating excuses for someone else, being screamed at because someone else was angry, being given the dirty look because someone else thinks that they are right, standing in the same position over sweltering heat for hours before someone offers help, and really, im not saying that im perfect but amongst all that, the worse has to be the being the only person who dares speak up. As glamourous as i like to think that sounds that comes with a heavy price of being bitchy i suppose.

I dont care about the amount of work i have to put into something. Its not the work. Its the watching over other people thats frustrating. At the end of the day, when the 'event' is a 'success' we can all push this aside, because the means always justify the end somehow. More frustration.

As i was saying. My self preservation? Not care. After all why should i be the only one right? I've done that with a friendship. After a while of being the only one who pursues and care, you run out of emotion, and guess what? giving up sometimes is a smart move.

I did not get to enjoy the event i so looked forward to, because i was too busy babysitting. Im trying to be nice. Okay so i was trying to be nice in the beginning. But you know what, if you're going to give me a hard time about being patient and bearing with someone else, and all the ther "holier than thou" lines i dont care (self preservation, remember?) but i will still pride myself in the fact than when we get down to doing something, we put our 100 percent into it, and that includes me saying out loud that the way things went was bad, regardless of the outcome.

Yikes, there goes my self preservation..


Saturday, August 20, 2005

on the side..

dear jess,

it was only a matter of time before my cynicalhalf and I got together and started working on a project to liberate our poor souls from the clutches of society.

amuse us wont you :)



Tuesday, August 16, 2005


dear jess,

generaton-Y. By a television show defines it as a generation of educated, well trained young people leading a life of that is "unsuccesful" by choice. She works in a tourist shop selling souviniers. A university graduate. She lives in a trailer, perhaps a symbolism of her ability to leave and go somewhere but never going anywhere. She chooses limited interactions, in fact avoids any close intimicy, she works in a tourist shop, impermanent faces, not having to make friends. Slacker or stress free?

She finds ways to get into a 'stress free' environment. Deligthfully interesting. I for one believe that sometimes the more educated you are, the lesser your longing for hard work and famed success is. Slacker or stress free?

Reject the need to be succesful, to climb up the corporate ladder, to drill yourself thru hard work.. Slacker or stress free?

We grow up in an environment where if we're not working in a company and out of the office before or right on the dot at 5 we're lazy, or if we dont mingle during lunch and eat in front of our faithful companion the computer, we're antisocial. Slacker or stress free?

Or like as my cynical half says, if we wanna travel and just do that for the rest of our lives, we're slackers. Interesting, once again. I dont hate people who say that. In fact i find it hilarious. Here is the world given to us, to do as we please, right or the wrong way, and what do we choose?

Im in a state of decision making now. Working hard so i can boast to my grand nephews and niece (who can be so proudly boastful of the fact that they may get married anyways?) that i worked so hard to be 'where i am' today or the fact that i breezed thru life and had a ball??? hmmmm...

What an excuse we work because we have to. Bull!! We work because we want to, because climbing into a lift every single day and winning sales pitch defines who we are. If we worked because we have to, we'd be more than contented serving at burger kings.

Next time you hold your starbucks coffee and walk by in your prada heels and gucci briefcase think again about mocking the happy, couldnt care less girl who just served you your coffee. And is leaving work at 2. With little care in the world. ps, she also probably went to the same uni as you.

Gen-Y. Slackers or stress free?


y not?,

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

confessions of a two face monster

dear jess,

growing up we were always taught that good triumphed evil. Men at the core, was good. And those turned evil, have long histories of being a good misunderstood person. Much overquoted by me, Coehlo, tells the tale of such a story. Good and evil sometimes have the same face, we are capable of both in the extremes.

Most of us go around believing that human beings are essentially good or evil and that shapes our whole outlook on life. We become harsh and competitive or generous and forgiving. There was once when i used to think that humans were essentially good, and in my pride, i thought i was too.

Some people say we all have skeletons in our closet. I dont believe that. Im sure in comparison, alot of people would be surprised of the skeletons in their closet are vaguely small in comparison to that of the priest we know, the sweet neighbour, and of course me.

Maggots are these amazing creatures that dont ever give up and before you know it all you are left is without a heart or a conscience. Sometimes i wish i could compare skeletons, and at least id know that i wasnt the only one hiding them.

I can live with my skeletons. I hate them no doubt, but ive come to aptly accomodate them in my closet, right next to all my diaries. However, what i cant live with is me, dumping my skeletons in someone elses closet, and making someone else live with it.

Evil. essentially. And yet the stronghold of guilt seems stronger than the deed itself.

My faith promises freedom, that the past is forgiven, but my humanity doesnt let me go. Maybe in some need for equilibrium that is my punishment.

I cant remember who said this- probably Coehlo, we never live in the present - we are always stuck in the past or the future. Pity.

not yet out of the closet,


back at ya my cynical half..

"a story of one man's life is a story of all men" loosely quoted from Coehlo's
The Devil and Miss Prysm. that one's for you my half ;)

Sunday, August 07, 2005

ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts..

dear jess,

i love being there, i think ive mentioned it before. i cant, for the life of me explain it. i love, absolutely enjoy going to the airport. Maybe its the structure, the wide space, the multucultural atmosphere. Frankly, i dont care to evaluate my odd love for this place. And since i cant explain it, i guess no one will be able to understand it.

Sending my cousins there in less than 7 hours in the wee hours of morning for their im sure to be fun filled redang trip which i chose to not go, and will, im sure much regret later on. i just was brought back to remininsce a one single person ive sent off.

We've known each other for 9 years now, and since he's been away in the states the last 8 months for the rest of his life, i suddenly miss him. i dont think ill ever meet anyone quite like the guy who played drums as cool as ice, but looked totally like a geek (haha). He would patiently meet my every 'hey lets go shopping' needs and send me here and there and put up with my extreme hyperness.

The day he left, he was doing his rounds of wishing when he whispers, you wan me to hug you last? And his romantic story of telling someone how much he loved her when she was on a plane, boarding. Maybe thats it - airports. When people leave, part go away- forever, suddenly everyone becomes honest, they have this miraculous courage to say i love you or i need you in my life.

He 'was'; solely cos his away, my best friend and confidant. I saw someone else today. And it reminded me instead of the opposite. I felt the need for a friendship to die, or a death of one i couldnt stop. Whilst i wanted to run and tell this person the nitty gritty of my life i was held back.

Everyone leaves one day. Someone once told me, when we get hook, we go on in life with this notion that we'll never be lonely again. Then people forget that people die. People leave. Everything comes to an end. The inevitable surpassing of life doesnt make me a cynical person, it just makes me a realist. Maybe i'll mourn a dying relationship, or maybe ill just throw my hands high in the air and learn to get use to it.

Who knows.

"Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing. "

still excited about driving to the airport..

See also :
ccl Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

mY faVouRitE siN!!

dear jess,

gluttony. yes thats one of it. i love people who know how to stuff their faces... Stranded in a town that can be covered with a 15 minute walkig radius, eating is the best you can do in Taiping. Its almost a hidden gem as people either stop in ipoh, or surpass the lil town to penang. Actually, i dare say taiping has got more good food, at cheap prices compared to that pearl of the orient. To some extend..

since my mouth has done alot of work the last few days.. ill just let the pictures do the talking, much to your relief!...

bubu on his ride to taipingPosted by Picasa

this is a mantic prawn, looks like a combination of crayfish and lobster.. brrrr

this was the dinner view! lovely, except i was too sick to appreciate it.. sigh what a waste

introducing, my sole reason for this trip. mee rebus in taiping, i swear its like no where ever and only 2bucks or so.. awesome stuff

darn, this is up there with my mee rebus, elaine and i ate 6 plates in the total of time we were there.. ahhhhh pancake, pancake, oh 4 bucks :)

this is umbra juice! or buah kedondong, superb! one of the drink stalls has certificate awards, for two years running!

char kuey teow is taiping, its kinda wet, with char siew and fish balls, eaten with green chillies.. thats 2.20.

heres my number two reason, this my frens, is a curry puff!! and the hotest, and sedapest one there is..

crab with cheese at the hotel Posted by Picasa

seafood salad, canggih bit lar, dads birthday

cappucino at the hotel, RM4
pisang goreng..1 buck for 8!
first train coacH? eerrr dunnolar

ran to him, hugged, proposed, and then realised it wasnt sir raffles.. err i have no idea who it is..
ice cool water!
austin's pooL
cute church, on a hill, from a distance, you can see three crosses on that hill
forgive me..
couldnt take alot more, the chee cheong fun is amazing, with yam cake on the side, toppeed with sauce and fried onions. Rest assured, the fridge is filled with packs of food tapaued back. Will be back in 3 months time, i made my IC there, and it took me, less than 10 minutes!

yours on the way out to the gym,