Thursday, June 30, 2005


dear jess,

Histrionic Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions;
b. suggestibility, easily influenced by others or circumstances;
c. shallow and labile affectivity;
d. continual seeking for excitement, appreciation by others, and activities which the patient is the centre of attention;
e. inappropriate seductiveness in appearance or behaviour;

Dependant Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. encouraging or allowing others to make most of one's important life decisions;
b. subordination of one's own needs to those of others on whone one is dependent, and undue compliance with their wishes;
c. unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on the people one depends on;
d. feeling uncomfortable or helpless when alone, bc of exaggerated fears of inability to care for oneself;
e. preoccupation with fears of being abandoned by a person with whom one has a close relationship
f. limited capacity to make everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice & reassurance from others.

Dissatisfaction Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. Extreme dissatisfaction and boredom with daily routines of life
b. Extreme longing to be away from current location with intentions of never returning.
c. Extreme need to be anti social, without the need of making new friends, or being with the ones that the patient is already not close to.
d. Limited patience for people who are needy & attention seeking.
e. Frequently says and do things without prior thought or worry about subsequent consequences.
f. Views current life experiences and companions as just passing through until the patient pursues a new path in life.

* the writer holds a disclaimer for the first two disorders, whilst those are appropriate symptoms, all psychological treatments should be adviced face to face by medical professions.

First year in psycho class, on the first page the writer says, just like medic students, when you read some symptoms you will think you have some of those disorders! Its funny, i can almost swear i can name one or two persons for the disorders i know off. Of course, my name included.

Anyways, i need my daily dose of happy pill. Life is starting to be so extremely unbearable in a bearable way. Its difficult perhaps not wanting to be some big shot in a company or doing something of a routine in my life that when the unroutined becomes a routine, its dreadful.

Its funny i noticed tonight. Society accepts you as a working adult only when you have a 9-5. Or when you have that wonderful routine to go to.

Sigh. everyday i understand a little about how people can kill themselves for no reason. I think its simply because they ran out of reasons to live. Their lives must have been full of routine, and they probably scheduled the suicide at 5pm, after work of course.

Hi, my name is jess, and i have dissatisfaction personality disorder. Everyday i shall invent new disorders for people like me :) Now all i have to do is come up with medications.

ps. DSM is a the manual used by psychologists for reference.. The latest i think is a DSM IV or V

in boredom,

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


dear jess,

its 4.45 am, i havent planned for class which technically is today, and yet i would rather write you a letter!

Enough of nosensical philosophies. Actually i do have one in my head right now. Just to lazy to tell you. SIGH. i need a cup of ipoh white coffee but that means moving my lazy bum downstairs. Speaking of lazy, i have to pay an extra 907 RM for my laziness. Ask not for elaboration. im too lazy.

This is officially my first non-serious, non deep in thought, non anything letter to you. Appreciate it. it wont last.

yours non-sensically,

Saturday, June 25, 2005

nOw cAn i PaNiC? pLEaSe?

dear jess,

sometimes your worse fear may not be who you wont become but who you do become. Haven't you heard stories of abused children who just end up abusing their own children? Ive seen glimpses of it, if i might say so myself. Everyone knows the classic ragging story at uni, when you get 'tortured' at orientation and you hear your peers swearing off future raggings, yet they do it the following year, probably to a heightened degree?! dont you think its just dumb that torture, fears etcetera just reinforces more torture, fears and etceteras..

i can tear my hair just thinking at the thought of this irony.Its annoying and psychologist have an explanation for this, which once again doesnt make sense. ps. psychologists never have answers just more questions..

i adore my mum to bits. now here's the scary part. before you think im going to make the statement that i might be becoming like her, thats not what i was going to say. When i was younger and gutsier, i use to scold her for certain paranoid fears that she had. She would probably kill me if you knew what it was, but she would always go 'thank God you were there when it happened otherwise i would've panicked'

Id just brush that off and think sheesh what was so frightening about that? Yes, you've guessed it, i think the vicious cycle of unexplanaible paranoid panic attacks have finally reached me.

It can be something so tiny and the worse part is the first thing that goes through my mind, is oh gosh how am i going to handle this all by myself? Crippling. I think i should get my psychologist on the line now, if i had one. And even then she wouldnt have any answers either. I think i may be having another panic attack soon.. haha, i amuse myself.

buster (a.k.a arrested development)

Friday, June 24, 2005


so cute..i mean the chicken.. Posted by Hello

haNgiNG pUpPeTs

meet d ugly man, the pig, the lion , the cat and the hen, giving us our first good breakthrough with the class SIGHHHH finally.. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


meet the telephone charger that charges form the comp! i didnt even know there was such an invention! hmm now if only i can figure why the wires wont go back in.. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

FLiEs fOr snACks & poIsOn fOr tEa

dear jess,

do you remember about the story, excuse me, i meant the experiment about the frog that got dumped in the water blah blah blah, he got cooked? Well have you ever wondered how sometimes change comes so slowly in our lives, that we dont realised what hits us, even when we look back?

Sometimes its quite sad, and in a world where just about anything is justifiable, some changes are hard to swallow. We become more 'corrupted' and then we realise, that our once inflammed idealism has long gone, drowned somewhere after the it was okay to copy in the exams and the 'minor' office politics we got our hands dirty in.

Then theres the way we treat people. when us ugly toads got soaked in that to-be boiling pot of water, we were nice and we believed that people were generally good. As the heat grew, we saw the conniving, double sided face of humans and the boiling made our skins so thick that we would hit back harder.

Idealism and false realities start to boil away as people start justifying flirting, affairs, just about anything really! And maybe change isnt necesarily so hasty as we hear the "I didnt do it!" phrase when we were 6 years old. Except now, we really believe we didnt do it.

Because everything around us usually relates to human relationships, before we know it people we were once close to aren't anymore, morales we used to stand up for is a vague memory, and people we love or loved us sometimes dont anymore.

And if what i say has any ounce of truth in it, it wont matter cos things will change, wont it?


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

sPeaKinG oF mEn..

this was and is BO BICE IN HIS YOUNGER DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hot or not?? walau eh.. sighhh ok ok ive embarassed myself enough (flutterrrrr flutterrrr) ps. his real name is Bogart..hmm so much for sexy Posted by Hello

Monday, June 13, 2005

iTs rAinInG mEN!!!!!!!!!!

dear jess,

Ive been having some retrospective last few days, with no best frens by to share it with. Hence the letter, i suppose. Its difficult to express what i want to say to you. Most of it are already well known facts just repeated throughout history. You'd think that people learned from their mistakes right? well they dont. Human beings are self destructive.

Why do women fall in love with the wrong men, wait for them patiently just for a glimmer of hope and when that glimmer appears, they jump to their feet and dive in head first, only to land in a swimming pool without water. I thought women would've evolved into self sufficient creatures that beyond the pretense of independence and self-suffiency, they really are independent and self-sufficient. Dissapointment sinks in.

ive heard women talk about men who dont get 'it' that they're not interested but ive also known men who can be 'hot' one minute and stone cold the next. Men who can't stay loyal, and women who are happy wit no-strings attached relationships. Men who've been with that one women for decades and no one knows anything about her and women who arent ready to commit...

Maybe its just a human problem not a gender one. Sometimes i wished people were just honest and they'd just say 'hey i used to like you but i dont anymore' or 'hey im a jerk and im cheating but if you dont mind, im ok with it'

Im not kidding. Its better to be an honest jerk than just a jerk (men and women alike). Meanwhile, it feels like a drought, and maybe thats a pretty good thing. I've come to a point when i've had to witness emotional break downs and drama's that were grieving. Ive never seen such pain that was worse than that of a death. That's what we are, self destructive all for the sake of the hope of love? Ah, my road to bitterness and cynic lives on. Haha....


Sunday, June 12, 2005

cRossiNg thE bRiDgE

Posted by Hello

church camp- GO MAD = Go Out & Make A Difference...

hOt spRingS

Posted by Hello hot springs with err hot people?? :)

mInE aLL miNE!!

Posted by Hello

whilst yellow & black (refers to the seed and the skin colour!) was busy killing each other off, the silent one was winning... sighh

mY mEn

Posted by Hello

...and i was too busy admiring these cuties.. SOOO cuteee

ArEaL viEw

Posted by Hello

ouR LAnD!!! haha.. sigh (geek mode end) ps. when shall we play again guyssss?????

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

tHerEs noThinG fReE aBout fReE wiLL!!

dear jess,

pray do tell, which is worse. Knowing what you want and not being able to have it OR never knowing what you want? What happens if i come to a point in my life when it suddenly dawns on me that i know who i want to spend the rest of my life with, or where i want to live for the rest of my life and what kinda job i wanna do but i cant have any of them? what then?

Or worse yet, i go through the rest of my life never knowing what i want, who i want to be with, where i want to live or what i want to do with the rest of my earthly live.

Free will is overrated. God forgive me for such a statement. Sometimes i wish my life was dictated, and having someone have a final say over it gives me the right to blame him for making such decisions over me. Whilst at the same time not having to think so hard. And in the meanwhile, i can whine and bitch about such unfairness inflicted upon me.

Maybe sometimes iam a combination of those two. My heart knows what it wants and my head doesnt, or vice versa. So what happens when you know what you want but cant have it whilst at the same time not knowing if what you want is really what you want? Confused? Exactly.

Like they say, there's nothing free in this world.


Thursday, June 02, 2005

vAcAncY: nEw gUYs nEeDed

beautiful girls.. and the rest Posted by Hello

hOt couSIn wiTH gOgGLe MAn!

cousin: what the heck are you wearing?
goggle man: wEi tHis oNE aHHH 900 DoH-rarr K?
cousin: then why you still look like that? Posted by Hello

pApAraZzi sTriKes

nice, lovely day with the rain tapping violently and us girls having coffee, yeah yeah with the silent photographer.. Posted by Hello

tHe siLent pHotogRapHer??

the paparazzi takes a break at what feels like a diner in america..... or in a road to perdition shot... WOOO maybe i make a better photographer.. hehe Posted by Hello

roUgH niTe aT tHe jUngLE

dancing= running on the treadmill Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

18 SG

dear jess,

sometimes i wonder, if growing older also means that we outgrow our integrity. Or the more life experiences we acquire, the more immature we become. Im pretty sure it is. How else would you explain grown adults in politics throwing chairs at each other.

Sometimes i wonder if having a profesional degree means being stupid in other areas, or if being adults mean that we can do something and see how far we can get away with it, as long as we dont get caught.

Sometimes i wonder if growing older means just being able to talk your way out of something or justifying evertything else, Or telling our adult self that evrything is not a complete right or wrong.

Next time someone i know celebrates their 21 the card will read "welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood, where you will soon loose your integrity, respect for other people, your basic concepts of right and wrong, your ability to guard somebody else's heart and etc, etc. But dont worry, you will be able to get away with it, with some reasoning, justifying, and of course if that doesnt work, you can always laugh it off at the end, and turn back time, and claim ignorance."

yours all grown up, unfortunately,