dear jess,
why did you lie? time heals all wounds? if anything, time seems to have made things worse.
Last night i couldnt stop thinking of her. oh God i miss her so much. It was her birthday five days ago, and aunty's birthday three days ago. I just keep waiting and waiting like it was a big joke someone had played and out of no where they'd appear again, and things would go back to normal. We would just laugh at the thought that anyone could die, and even more so, not one of us, but two of us. Then as Christmas draws near, we can gather around making pineapple tarts like we did last year. Mama on my left cutting that ubi thingy and mummy on my right frying them. Stop it. im not supppose to cry. i havent cried, its been two months, why should i cry?
Its hard to imagine what our lives were meant to be sometimes. Sometimes i close my eyes, and i have this out of body expereince. I feel like i do when in an airplane, as i look down and all i see are the seas and the houses and somewhere beyond that is me, somewhere beyond that is you, somewhere in the midst of life when things happen in my life.
Do you know what the scariest part is? when i watch the tv till 5 in the morning and i hear a sound, my whole body goes into "action mode" and i think that theres an emergancy to attend to, something has happened, my body tells me that i need to call the ambulance, my mind goes crazy and say hey maybe something is wrong, and my heart skips a thousand beats faster. Its almost like the situation never ended.
And so life goes on. I try to keep myself busy, but really its just pushing aside the memories and pain. Its so difficult to express and explain this feeling, one id never wish upon anyone.
Dont misunderstand me, there's been lots of sugary events in life. Monday for example i found myself standing in front of a camera doing a casting. let me tell you i hate standing in front of camera's, but i love being stupid. so i do a whole series of stupidity to kononnya get into an ad.. urgghhh, which for some reason, in my profound idiocy i know i wont get. nevermind that, i brought my charming 4 year old Ian to do it as well, which was quite amusing, since this 'bijujake' in portugese simply put 'cant keep quiet' was making noise from begining of the trip to the end decides to go NUMB on me in front of the camera!!! Sighhhh so i had no choice but to bribe the 4 year old ice cream for performing in front of the camera..... The ice cream eventually ends up on the floor.. not surprising of course.
i'm sorry jess, i dont mean to call you a liar. i know life has its ups and downs, and if you were expecting to read only fun stuff you definitely wont be getting that with me. yeah you know me, manic depressive and all :)
thats it for now dear.. hey one of these days when im having another one of those areal views imagination, i wont forget to catch you a bit of those puffiness in the clouds that you love so much ;)
ps,
my cousins and i have named ourselves after cartoon characters that best resemble us, what should yours be??
love. always.
jess
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