goNe baCkpacKinG!

dear jess

Between the disposable underwear’s in the backpack, my forgetfulness, and both our unprepared ness for Thailand we are home at 5am after the failed attempt to look for Bar b q chicken wings!

The checklist range from changing cash, to sleeping. Tomorrow we plan to not sleep, or at least the birthday bash at zouk might have us think that, then its on to getting our asses to the airport on time.

For one second, my pathetic life almost sounds glamorous. Then im slowly or rather quickly humbled by my paper underwear’s. It’s a hilariously beautiful technology.

I haven’t even gotten excited and skipped or danced by myself in the room due to the lack of sleep. Come to think of it, its been a while since I danced by myself in my room, but you don’t want to hear about that.

Brains numb and any attempt to sound profound will fail miserably. Still, I’m more excited about going to the airport for now. I still haven’t figured out that one.

See you in 16 days, or more, depending on how tired I am when I get back. Would like to capture my official goodbye to munster, in our unsatisfactory ‘forced’ hugs just now, just wanna say thanks for everything, listening, talking, working together, traveling, and everything else.

God Speed.

Sawadika!
jess

wake me up when september ends....

desperately missed, aunty marie; its exactly a year today, and mama...

introducing, the little men in the family..

this is my nephew i havent met yet. cute isnt it....

ben speaks with an accent. who knows why... to be continued, more pics when they arent running away from me..

FuTuRe

new flavour, thanks cynical half :) timtams tia maria, to accompany tomorro's family meet surely to be filled with rage as we discuss why blond haired people, with chinese eyes, and d inability to speak or sing in english or bm that isnt broken has won malaysian idol. SIGH i must be on the wrong planet

i need to feel the beaches of phuket before i go crazy.. sigh what is it with rude over 40 something women?? if i ever grow old that way just kill me.. thank God for the little joys in my life..just love my new thongs

pReSenT

the new dog, yes the one on the left..

PaSt

is that an L for L-O-S-E-???? haha

ikan patin YUM!

the patin, fresh from sg pahang.. and mun onn, with his hands always on his hip. it must be a reflection of his character..

salniza, me, nor and fiza, Sniff SNiff miss them so much...

fancy cancer

dear jess,

its funny. Some people would trade their lives of reasonable comfort in the village to move to the city, where they stay in apartments the size of a toilet, the neighbours hate you and getting a green card is almost impossible.

Its funny too that some people would trade in their mothers business of being a hawker and make ten times more, just so he can sit his ass down in a swirling chair and in an air cond office.

Some people trade in slave over their low income jobs to buy a car, that sits in the driveway, and gets driven home annually, just so they can show off to their families that they've suceeded in the big city.

A crummy home just so you can be overseas. A 'good looking' job, a 'good looking' everything.

Pride. Its freaking amazing what those 5 words do to us.

the meticuolus man with floral pants

Dear jess,

I’m here looking at this man pouring ribena into individual ant sized cups, carefully, as if every drop was gold, leaning away from me I could see his beach wear floral pants. There was something adorable about a man after a certain age who uses floral pants and lives in the thicken pahang jungles.

I rarely have my out of body moments these days, and I had one then. The breeze blew at the OA church we painted, now with an extra few feet extension, I could see the nature free outside, and I took solace that there was beauty in being contented without having to live in the city.

A lot of defeat as I rethought this trip. Plenty. Didn’t achieve what I thought I could with the singing and the lovely kids, and thoroughly hated myself for something else. Regardless. When I was in my first year at uni, I went to this same areas of pahang, on a bus to temerloh, met the same person whose been doing the same work he has from before then. That’s how long. Not my experience; just me.

I always pride myself, these days at least, for being someone who dares to speak up and be different. Someone who won’t stop at saying or doing just because it’s unorthodox. And then a thought occurred. Maybe what I strive to be might be a continuity of oppositions. No matter what, as long as it isn’t what you are thinking, a fight, just for the sake of it.

The question of who I am continuously interests and annoys me at the same time. It’s a rare, flattering skill to see everything good in everybody and mine is a cynical one that sees everything bad in everyone. And as I look at the breeze outside the wooden church and wonder how few people will attend my funeral because I told them the truth that they suck compared to the funeral of the girl with plenty people because she told them all they were great, I smile. At the man with the flowery pants, and a much simpler, simpler life, except perhaps when he’s pouring the ribena.

yours,

jess

nEvEr notiCed it AlwAys thIs LonG!

i drive across the penang bridge, never knew it could look this cool...

y fiGht the onLy perSon whO laugHs at YouR Lame joKes?

tsk tsk 

stuFFed StoMach, StuFfEd noSe, SigH!

food glorious food

LovEly LibRaRy, thAts a FirSt

Universiti Tronoh Petronas, formerly USM, with a library like this.. i wouldnt mind being there day and night!

sucky september

something morbid about september...

hamster's funeral service saturday 8th, opened with a hymn. Whilst the hamster, which was yet to be named died horrificly and rather suspiciously the funeral service went off fine.

lost and found dept

dear jess,

when you finally find what you were looking for, you suddenly dont want to do it! i found me long lost bud i talked about some time back, all when i wasnt even looking anymore, and now, im hesitating to call him. Its really weird and surreil.

hi, jess here, and ive been stalking you for the past few weeks, also i found you off the net, on the white pages, sorta when i wasnt even looking. Doesnt that freak you out? Oh btw, lets meet up?

i crack myself up all the time...

yours sillyness in all its glory,

jess

are we there yet??

dear jess,

thursday, 8.45pm, the crazy looking woman knocks on my car and makes hand and mouth signals with a big smile stating she just wants to talk and tell us that she and her husband was there first and how they deserve the parking we were already in. I turn over to my usually gusty cousin and we both decide to stay in the car because she looked somewhat crazy.

Rewind to 10 minutes before this, i place my signal to get into the car park, and ask my cousin, that car doesnt want it right? we look, and the husband has his hands behind his head, resting, no signal as the car comes out and we take the place.

Fast forward to 20 minutes after, and now the mad looking wife has called on the husband and they both start knocking on my cousins window side insisting they just want to talk. An image of my mum flashes, and decide to stay in the car, taking the 'higher road.' Finally, i zoom away, of course not before ramming my car, my anger has to be chaneled somewhere, and much to my insane delight gave the two a good shock. Made a turn, and guess what the car next to me leaves too, and that was two whole empty parking lots for two jerks we just met, but just like God was looking down on me and winked at me that day, they got to park in neither one.. Of course, we couldnt resist it and turn to laugh at them as we drove pass. Who says the wrong ones dont always get wat they deserve huh?

Rewind this to two days before, 7.30 in the morning, kit is late. Whats new. I make myself a cuppa, and feel the throat protesting. The thought that i may get sick crosses my mind, then conveniently ignored it as it didnt feel that bad. 3 hours or so later, breakfast at ipoh, tim sum was good. Especially loved the egg tarts and fried prawns. i find myself in ipoh parade, and somewhere in between that and the cute swings as chairs in the marrybrown, i seem to have gotten the sniffles. Mun Onn apologizes, i must have got it from him somewhere from when we were scolding kit for his lateness, to our bitching about life and people in our lives.

More fast forwarding and we are at taiping, finally got kit and mun onn to try the infamous mee rebus and char kuey teow plus the DOUBLE fried pisang goreng and canggih curry puffs, which we tapaued for the northeners too...

Fast forward to a few minutes on the highway and the boys decide to sleep whilst the girl drives. As i head north being all alone with my thoughts, my nose starts to leak furiously, ah an unwelcome, but far too familiar sight of my leaky nose, the last time i had flu, gosh i was in taiping too! Still driving, multi tasking between blowing the leaky nose, adjusting the aircond, driving and trying not to hit anyone with a car that wasnt mine, i thought that this is the first time im actually driving across the penang bridge, hmm better not tell the hamsap boy, he might freak.

8.30pm, we pick shel, liyee and topher. 15 minutes before i find myself in the usm dorms searching for toilet. All local uni dorms look the same, and guess what they smell the same too! Brought back memories from 'back in the day' except they had a lift in that dorms! gosh lucky kids.

Fast forward to dinner at gurney drive, now my flu is full blown. More fast forwarding to 10.30 as we race back to the hotel to watch desperate housewives. More lying down like a bunch of lazy buggers we were, more lameness from you know who and sweet shelby who puts up with it.. Made the trio sacrifice their precious assignment time; you know with the time spent hanging out and of course getting lost..

The 'man of the match' was definitely kit, as the story of his confidence at mt kinabalu walking off confidently as he waves mun onn goodbye, to which mun onn stops him, and tells him his going the wrong way! I thought a mountain had only two ways, up and down? (sarcastic tone intended) Fast forward to a few minutes maybe even seconds after that as he confidently leads the pack out to the car park and takes the wrong turn. We burst lauging hysterically, what with the story just being told and all. Of course he does this a few more times on our trip.

Fast forward to next morning, rudely awake by whining and whacking, next stop- Sitiawan. By far the most interesting shop with fake perfumes that go for 2bucks, and bright yellow thong (please, there are more than one meaning for this word..) for me too.

Fast forward. Lumut, i secretly check kits cam, whilst muns (another new nick) looks out for him. This is after kits proudly states his multi taksing skills whilst driving, and suspiciusly disallows us from seeing pictures in his cam. Expecting some hidden life of his to be disovered, instead we see pictures of us sleeping in the car. Yes the self claimed multitasker snaps whilst driving and of course included are some self portraits while driving too! Heck we deleted it. Who's got the last laugh now?

Fast forward to after lumut, unscheduled stop at tronoh, an otherwise unknown place if it weren for, michael d. UTP, univ trinoh petronas, former USM Kejuteraan, was awesome! id never say this of a building, but mike's "starship enterprise" building with the library being seen from the outside was beautiful. If i had to go to a see thru library everyday, id be glad.

Dinner, a drive home, many more pee stops, the runnning out of interrogation questions for kits, long, long hours on the road, stops, and im home exhausted. Ive never been more exhausted, probabbly also because of the flu; so much so i had no mood to take pics. Will steal from the boys later.

Of course, at the end of that day, i ended watching rockstar inxs, and marty, the hot babe made a good end to the day with his personally written song, trees. Reminded me of Roald Dahl, somehow.

Fast forward to the future; im sure this will go down as one of those things i look back fondly on, what with "my" two boys and the four people who made it worthwhile. On the other hand, going north will now be associated to me getting a flu, so im not sure when ill be ready for another northern road trip.

yours back in free gear,
jess

men and their weapons..

kits new babe, a sword. impressive, no?

lumut

you know what, i think this is my first time in lumut..

what a way to end my day

marty kc, ahhh, check out his song trees "itll be you and me up in the trees..."

http://rockstar.msn.com/video/performance/wk09

one big happy family :)

felt like a teenager again, lined up for autographs and err... nevermind.. sighh and ash gets voted out..

ash rocks..

i still think ash is a hottie.. then again i might say that abt anyone who does a gavin deGraw relatively well.. ahhhhhhhhh **flutterrr**

numbed

dear jess,

my motto in life is that the people who laugh the loudest, and the most, hurt the deepest inside. my cousins and me have a 3 second laugh. Its because, we laugh every 3 seconds. its freaky, but ive found this to be true not just of us, but of other people too.

one night, in the cold of my room, all by myself, i started to cry. Ive never cried that way before, ever. It was the first time i mourned and ached so deep for her that i couldnt comprehend. I cried and gasped, and felt suddenly the realisation of whats happened.

that was many months after the mourning stop. Today marks the death of my mama. my one and only insanely crazy and beautiful and perverted and cute and the best devil curry cook grandma. Im torn in between wanting to explain to you the fullness of who she was, and the pain of her death.

I know most people shun away from introducing their granparents to their friends, but mine, mine was the one that was hilariously younger and more energetic than me. Mine, mine was the one that watched movies with me!! Her last movie was national security, and mine, mine was the one that would climb up genting stairs to get to the casino.

We all thought she would outlive us.. People have this image that old people will die soon, but not mine. She was healthier and stronger than us. In fact, she passed of nothing due to her age or her health. The hemorrage apparently happens to even those who are 19.

My grandmother cracked jokes, walked in shopping malls packed during a sale, travelled to visit her kids every other months, even climbed over the neighbours fence with a sarong on in her slightly younger days. She was by far not a burden, which so many old people fear to become.

Thats the way she passed too. I hate retelling the story of how i had to see her go. Of how she was in so much pain that i had to look at her whilst we raced thru evening traffic to get her to a hospital.

You know, it was the scariest day of my life. I had my theses presentation, and it was the worse day ever, the irony of my thoughts. i came home and later in the afternoon when she was in pain, i rubbed her back, and some sense's awoke in me. As i rubbed her i thought, this is how she feels like.

When it was over, no one knew. My ability to hide my pain and tears have always been a strong point. I was always the 'strong one.' I have this weird intuiton that i can sometimes tell that someone is going to die. Its not a bizzare gift, its a dark, sick side of me. The truth is what hurts the most is the feeling that i miss her so so so much.

Have you ever imagined your world with that one special person less? Except you cant do anything about it. I was pondering this tragedy. Mama was the first person to pass away in the family. There hadnt been a death for years.

24 days later my aunty passes away. Leaving my four cousins and my uncle behind. This is 3 days after elaine's birthday, 3 days! And a few days into Jerome's birthday!

The tragedy lies in the suddeness of death, when no one was sick. The tragedy lies in losing your mum when you're 19, who also wasnt sick. The tragedy lies in losing your mother and wife in less that 30 days apart, being there and watching it happen.

My brain feels like a bee now. Buzzing inconclusively. Trying to understand the incomprehensible, my cousins, my mother, my uncle. It is beyond me, it is nothing i can fix.

I know this relates nothing to you in any way at all. And that's okay. Thanks for reading. For once, i have no idea at all how to end this mail. You know, God is good, all the time. Since that one year ago, my family religiously do Sunday dinners, sleepovers, frequent visits, trips, outings. Bitter sweet. Bitter, 3 seconds laugh, break, laugh, break, laugh. Its almost like we were high on weed. Except maybe its just grief, they, we, try to hide.

Perhaps.

on a 3 second break,
jess