uNdeFiNinG tHe dEfiNEd..

“Lord help me not to want a life that is long, but one that is full.”

dear jess,

james blunt.

I knew it.

That I would like his songs other than the overplayed ones.

It makes me want to cry. Almost as if I can see his eyes tearing and in return mine does too.

I sometimes have one of those moments when I hear him, josh groban or norah jones. One of those random memories that doesn’t bring any purpose. I’m sitting at the airport. I can smell the air, the hair on my arms stand as it gets so cold, the moment when I’m saying goodbye or hello. The moment when I’m waiting for a flight and checking if I brought my passport.

And even now as I close my eyes again I can’t see anything.

Random moments.

I close my eyes and try to cry but the tears fail to drip.

Random emotions.

Every time I teach a class I come out and analyze and re-analyze, I give myself a hard time if I felt I’ve failed and try to fix it. I suffer beating myself up more than anyone else is capable of laying guilt on me. I think and rethink decisions and need reassurance that I’ve made the right one.

I can’t live my life in randomness. In the randomness of crying now and not being able to explain it. In the randomness of remembering someone I don’t want to be with and at the same time do. In the randomness of being able to sit here, perhaps without a purpose for at least an hour or two.

I just let myself drift and feel the breeze. Not afraid that in my randomness I may never return.

He strums.

I smile.

Random moments that allow me to just be myself. Without explanation. Without apologies. Without the need to know if I should have done something else instead.

Creatures of the past that will never let ourselves go because of what we’ve done and not let ourselves grow because of what we haven’t done.

Perhaps that’s what it is. Like a jawbreaker that won’t break. Like the faint smell of chocolate chip cookies and the pain in the pit of your soul. Like the love that won’t let go and the grief that smiles.

In that randomness when the world pauses and I’m here and yet not quite, when you feel and don’t know why, in the randomness of past memories flashing and yet feeling like you are wholly here and now.

I’m glad no one person can explain everything. This way no one can take the liberty of telling me…. me


yours,
jess