dear jess,
a friend of mine was asked today if i was attending another church.
it makes you wonder, that in my anger should i just start binge eating in the next few hours? or perhaps it makes you wonder why i would be angry in the first place?
see, the thing is, i have had a strange history with church. the "church" and me have not been the best of friends. we were, once. then the "church" betrayed me. it said things about me that were not only untrue, it has scarred me so much for a few years now, that i have changed.
when i was younger and slightly more idealistic, i did what was me, and did not bother what others should think, less their assumption was wrong anyways. but apparently in light of that, i was still accused of being certain things, from people who had spoken less than two words to me in my whole life.
they seem so sure. they would say, jessica is...... and that would follow a warning. i would be so angry and yet i couldnt do anything about it.
so, after i was severly scared i decided that the church and me had to have a slightly new relationship. one that didnt see me talking too much, or hanging out with too many guys, or laughing too much. my church relationship was one that got me there and back again with little view of me, less it was necessary.
thus, it shouldnt surprise you if you hadnt met my new pet, my new dress, my new attitude or even a new person in my life. i have worked so hard and keeping it all away, nothing in my life should mingle, lest they, she, it, or he be judged.
so my anger isnt in a statement, or in a perception that at least i was attending a church, even if it isnt the one that i really am attending. my anger, yet again, i think frustration, is in the fact that no matter what i do, people find a fascination in assuming about me, my life, people who i probably havent said more than two words to.
perhaps i should look on the bright side of life and realise that i still have true friends who check these strange statements with me, or perhaps assume that other people's lives really arent interesting and they find that they just have to talk about me. perhaps that i should think that im like a superstar in my own life, getting "rumoured" about my oh - so - interesting life.
when my human spirit feels like its failing in me, when i feel that im so fed up and i have been doing good by not laughing too loud, or talking too much, or being seen and all else has failed.. i guess it brings back haunted memories.
im tired of being trapped as a creature of my past. so im going to pull up my sleeves and roll with it. the next time someone asks, tell them i attend a church in singapore every weekend, my boyfriend is brad pitt and that im migrating in the next two months. if someones going to talk about me, i should at least have some fun, no?
yours, and by that i mean mine,
jess
a friend of mine was asked today if i was attending another church.
it makes you wonder, that in my anger should i just start binge eating in the next few hours? or perhaps it makes you wonder why i would be angry in the first place?
see, the thing is, i have had a strange history with church. the "church" and me have not been the best of friends. we were, once. then the "church" betrayed me. it said things about me that were not only untrue, it has scarred me so much for a few years now, that i have changed.
when i was younger and slightly more idealistic, i did what was me, and did not bother what others should think, less their assumption was wrong anyways. but apparently in light of that, i was still accused of being certain things, from people who had spoken less than two words to me in my whole life.
they seem so sure. they would say, jessica is...... and that would follow a warning. i would be so angry and yet i couldnt do anything about it.
so, after i was severly scared i decided that the church and me had to have a slightly new relationship. one that didnt see me talking too much, or hanging out with too many guys, or laughing too much. my church relationship was one that got me there and back again with little view of me, less it was necessary.
thus, it shouldnt surprise you if you hadnt met my new pet, my new dress, my new attitude or even a new person in my life. i have worked so hard and keeping it all away, nothing in my life should mingle, lest they, she, it, or he be judged.
so my anger isnt in a statement, or in a perception that at least i was attending a church, even if it isnt the one that i really am attending. my anger, yet again, i think frustration, is in the fact that no matter what i do, people find a fascination in assuming about me, my life, people who i probably havent said more than two words to.
perhaps i should look on the bright side of life and realise that i still have true friends who check these strange statements with me, or perhaps assume that other people's lives really arent interesting and they find that they just have to talk about me. perhaps that i should think that im like a superstar in my own life, getting "rumoured" about my oh - so - interesting life.
when my human spirit feels like its failing in me, when i feel that im so fed up and i have been doing good by not laughing too loud, or talking too much, or being seen and all else has failed.. i guess it brings back haunted memories.
im tired of being trapped as a creature of my past. so im going to pull up my sleeves and roll with it. the next time someone asks, tell them i attend a church in singapore every weekend, my boyfriend is brad pitt and that im migrating in the next two months. if someones going to talk about me, i should at least have some fun, no?
yours, and by that i mean mine,
jess
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