dear jess,
i heard about this blog site of yours but until today i hadnt seen it. Forgive my bluntness, but ARE YOU CRAZY?? what on earth were you thinking displaying your whole life on a web page that any tom dick and harry, serial killers and mad men can pry into the nitty grittiness of your life..??
Plus, do you wonder who bothers to read stories from your life? SeriouslY!! and pictures?? GASPPP!! what were you thinking? i know, i know im old and stuck in ancient times, but ive been looking at other peoples blogs, and really, its like they're whole lives are displayed at the click of one finger! wanna see this guys birthday, sure look its right here, oh wait , wanna see his wife.. aha! there, right there! i mean, what ever happen to private lives??
Well, therefore, jess, old friend, ive come to the conclusion that people, yes that does include you are either craving for attention, and actually do want people to look into their lives or they're just plain crazy. Oh sure hate me for my views, but you know theres always a little truth in jess..
You for example, spill your emotional gutts for the whole world to see, its almost like a diary for the whole world!! okay, okay i'll stop my whining, i mean i just cant understand it.
Oh well, enough of your life, ive got to go find my own 15 minutes of fame somewhere else. ive decided not to use a blog because it doesnt scream enough more attention. someone like e always wants more.. :) ta!
luv,
jess
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Friday, November 26, 2004
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
a liTtLe bIt Of Ice CrEam In The MiDsT oF AsPriN
dear jess,
why did you lie? time heals all wounds? if anything, time seems to have made things worse.
Last night i couldnt stop thinking of her. oh God i miss her so much. It was her birthday five days ago, and aunty's birthday three days ago. I just keep waiting and waiting like it was a big joke someone had played and out of no where they'd appear again, and things would go back to normal. We would just laugh at the thought that anyone could die, and even more so, not one of us, but two of us. Then as Christmas draws near, we can gather around making pineapple tarts like we did last year. Mama on my left cutting that ubi thingy and mummy on my right frying them. Stop it. im not supppose to cry. i havent cried, its been two months, why should i cry?
Its hard to imagine what our lives were meant to be sometimes. Sometimes i close my eyes, and i have this out of body expereince. I feel like i do when in an airplane, as i look down and all i see are the seas and the houses and somewhere beyond that is me, somewhere beyond that is you, somewhere in the midst of life when things happen in my life.
Do you know what the scariest part is? when i watch the tv till 5 in the morning and i hear a sound, my whole body goes into "action mode" and i think that theres an emergancy to attend to, something has happened, my body tells me that i need to call the ambulance, my mind goes crazy and say hey maybe something is wrong, and my heart skips a thousand beats faster. Its almost like the situation never ended.
And so life goes on. I try to keep myself busy, but really its just pushing aside the memories and pain. Its so difficult to express and explain this feeling, one id never wish upon anyone.
Dont misunderstand me, there's been lots of sugary events in life. Monday for example i found myself standing in front of a camera doing a casting. let me tell you i hate standing in front of camera's, but i love being stupid. so i do a whole series of stupidity to kononnya get into an ad.. urgghhh, which for some reason, in my profound idiocy i know i wont get. nevermind that, i brought my charming 4 year old Ian to do it as well, which was quite amusing, since this 'bijujake' in portugese simply put 'cant keep quiet' was making noise from begining of the trip to the end decides to go NUMB on me in front of the camera!!! Sighhhh so i had no choice but to bribe the 4 year old ice cream for performing in front of the camera..... The ice cream eventually ends up on the floor.. not surprising of course.
i'm sorry jess, i dont mean to call you a liar. i know life has its ups and downs, and if you were expecting to read only fun stuff you definitely wont be getting that with me. yeah you know me, manic depressive and all :)
thats it for now dear.. hey one of these days when im having another one of those areal views imagination, i wont forget to catch you a bit of those puffiness in the clouds that you love so much ;)
ps,
my cousins and i have named ourselves after cartoon characters that best resemble us, what should yours be??
love. always.
jess
why did you lie? time heals all wounds? if anything, time seems to have made things worse.
Last night i couldnt stop thinking of her. oh God i miss her so much. It was her birthday five days ago, and aunty's birthday three days ago. I just keep waiting and waiting like it was a big joke someone had played and out of no where they'd appear again, and things would go back to normal. We would just laugh at the thought that anyone could die, and even more so, not one of us, but two of us. Then as Christmas draws near, we can gather around making pineapple tarts like we did last year. Mama on my left cutting that ubi thingy and mummy on my right frying them. Stop it. im not supppose to cry. i havent cried, its been two months, why should i cry?
Its hard to imagine what our lives were meant to be sometimes. Sometimes i close my eyes, and i have this out of body expereince. I feel like i do when in an airplane, as i look down and all i see are the seas and the houses and somewhere beyond that is me, somewhere beyond that is you, somewhere in the midst of life when things happen in my life.
Do you know what the scariest part is? when i watch the tv till 5 in the morning and i hear a sound, my whole body goes into "action mode" and i think that theres an emergancy to attend to, something has happened, my body tells me that i need to call the ambulance, my mind goes crazy and say hey maybe something is wrong, and my heart skips a thousand beats faster. Its almost like the situation never ended.
And so life goes on. I try to keep myself busy, but really its just pushing aside the memories and pain. Its so difficult to express and explain this feeling, one id never wish upon anyone.
Dont misunderstand me, there's been lots of sugary events in life. Monday for example i found myself standing in front of a camera doing a casting. let me tell you i hate standing in front of camera's, but i love being stupid. so i do a whole series of stupidity to kononnya get into an ad.. urgghhh, which for some reason, in my profound idiocy i know i wont get. nevermind that, i brought my charming 4 year old Ian to do it as well, which was quite amusing, since this 'bijujake' in portugese simply put 'cant keep quiet' was making noise from begining of the trip to the end decides to go NUMB on me in front of the camera!!! Sighhhh so i had no choice but to bribe the 4 year old ice cream for performing in front of the camera..... The ice cream eventually ends up on the floor.. not surprising of course.
i'm sorry jess, i dont mean to call you a liar. i know life has its ups and downs, and if you were expecting to read only fun stuff you definitely wont be getting that with me. yeah you know me, manic depressive and all :)
thats it for now dear.. hey one of these days when im having another one of those areal views imagination, i wont forget to catch you a bit of those puffiness in the clouds that you love so much ;)
ps,
my cousins and i have named ourselves after cartoon characters that best resemble us, what should yours be??
love. always.
jess
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Monday, November 01, 2004
tHe AnTiCiPatIon Vs. ThE ReAL tHiNg
Dear jess,
ive been hooked on 'super text twist' lately.. its a great psychotic word game!! you should really try it.. go search it up.. trust me, you'd be hooked too...
Saturday was my first attempt to indulge in a 'dress party' YAY!! well, it was halloween and my cousins and i wanted to get dressed, and perhaps even win the best costume.. No, we do not subscribe to demons and ghost, and well truth be known there were more people dressed as angels that night! anyways i think people (LIKE US) just wanna go crazy and wear costumes every once in a while.
Was a good break from the stresses of grief that we've been hurdling, and we let ourselves go crazy with the buying but MOstly with the giggly excitement. the three beautiful and beautiful witches we decided to be. No way were we gonna be wrinkly old witches with grey hair and huge pimples.. Yes, yes we're vain but who can blame us? it paid off too you know.. only the three witches got offered drinks on the house for getting all dressed :)
We bought our witchy hats, and fingernails.. and sprayed painted it black.. black lipstick, black eyeshadow... The most hilarious part was once our fake long nails were on, we couldnt do a single thing by ourselves! My attempt to put on a necklace had us laughing to bits as it slipped off and we couldnt open our handbags to use the h/phone, or even open the car door.. needless to say there were more hilariouty in the whole thing.
So off went the powerless and worse still clueless witches, with pokie hats and gothic make up that managed to scare ourselves in the mirror.. (so much for beautiful).
So proudly we arrived at our destination espanda only to find out our party of three witches, two pirates, one hair banded horned gal, a Jason from jason vs Freddy, and well.. a Casper- sort of... were the only ones dressed.. Sigh how stupid we felt, so we left for velvet, zouk which whilst had tons more people dressed played non stop- ear piercing- heart aching techno.. URGHHH well its not like anyone can dance with a withces hat on.. but still!! URGGHH.
So there it was... and oh did i mention actually it was a celebration for seans birthday.. hmmm or maybe it was just us wanting to wear costumes.. anyhow.. the anticipation was so much more fun than the event in itself.. SIGH!!
ps. i think next year, ill just get dressed and stay home.. :)
love,
jess
ive been hooked on 'super text twist' lately.. its a great psychotic word game!! you should really try it.. go search it up.. trust me, you'd be hooked too...
Saturday was my first attempt to indulge in a 'dress party' YAY!! well, it was halloween and my cousins and i wanted to get dressed, and perhaps even win the best costume.. No, we do not subscribe to demons and ghost, and well truth be known there were more people dressed as angels that night! anyways i think people (LIKE US) just wanna go crazy and wear costumes every once in a while.
Was a good break from the stresses of grief that we've been hurdling, and we let ourselves go crazy with the buying but MOstly with the giggly excitement. the three beautiful and beautiful witches we decided to be. No way were we gonna be wrinkly old witches with grey hair and huge pimples.. Yes, yes we're vain but who can blame us? it paid off too you know.. only the three witches got offered drinks on the house for getting all dressed :)
We bought our witchy hats, and fingernails.. and sprayed painted it black.. black lipstick, black eyeshadow... The most hilarious part was once our fake long nails were on, we couldnt do a single thing by ourselves! My attempt to put on a necklace had us laughing to bits as it slipped off and we couldnt open our handbags to use the h/phone, or even open the car door.. needless to say there were more hilariouty in the whole thing.
So off went the powerless and worse still clueless witches, with pokie hats and gothic make up that managed to scare ourselves in the mirror.. (so much for beautiful).
So proudly we arrived at our destination espanda only to find out our party of three witches, two pirates, one hair banded horned gal, a Jason from jason vs Freddy, and well.. a Casper- sort of... were the only ones dressed.. Sigh how stupid we felt, so we left for velvet, zouk which whilst had tons more people dressed played non stop- ear piercing- heart aching techno.. URGHHH well its not like anyone can dance with a withces hat on.. but still!! URGGHH.
So there it was... and oh did i mention actually it was a celebration for seans birthday.. hmmm or maybe it was just us wanting to wear costumes.. anyhow.. the anticipation was so much more fun than the event in itself.. SIGH!!
ps. i think next year, ill just get dressed and stay home.. :)
love,
jess
Thursday, October 14, 2004
dEaTh is SuCh A bIG wORd
dear jess,
i know that this time is hard for you as it is for me. I understand that in the face of death and grief, it feels that friends have abandoned you and whilst everything in your life has come to a sudden stall, everyone else's still moves on, urging you to jump on the spinning carousel and asking you to smile and get over it quickly.
i know that you've seen the best and the not so great in people at this time too, and that you must remember friends who are gold glow best in the furnace, and gold is but few.
i know, my dear, i know that mama and aunty marie's passing haunts you, your beloved family, cousins, uncle charlie and i know that you question and far from see any reason that they should have died within only 24 days of each other, no apparent sign, sickness or problems.
i know it hurts to look into the burial ground in taiping, made originally for one person but used to bury two, two significant people in our lives. The winds blew and it felt like the heavens were crying, the tent shook over the burial grounds, and as cement was put over the plot, the rain increased, subsided only after we all took shelter.
i know it haunts that you were there at mama's last moments, and that you can still hear the screams of your cousins at your aunty's passing, you can still see the sadness drawn on your uncle's face till today, and for the first time prayed and wished upon a resurrection that could happen today.
but i also know that there wont be mama, my mama anymore the chirpy joyful almost jumping grandmother who would joke, laugh, even climb the neighbours fence with her sarong, in her slightly younger days. Her portugese lessons which contained much 'colourful' languages, her feeding us in huge plates with her hands one after another, her walking to the shops, her buying numbers, her smile, her laughter... Your oldest portuegese heritage, everyime you pass her room you will think of her.
i know that everytime you look at your uncle's face, you will see your aunty, the sorrow so deep written already all over his face. The bubbly person who never once was seen sad, has long been sorrowful.
i know that theres so much more you wish to say, to tell, to shout out from the rooftops, and yet so much more that you wish not to.
within the so much that i know, there a hundred more times of things that i dont.
I know you wish not my sympathy jess, nor understanding, but just for me to be here.
love always,
jess
i know that this time is hard for you as it is for me. I understand that in the face of death and grief, it feels that friends have abandoned you and whilst everything in your life has come to a sudden stall, everyone else's still moves on, urging you to jump on the spinning carousel and asking you to smile and get over it quickly.
i know that you've seen the best and the not so great in people at this time too, and that you must remember friends who are gold glow best in the furnace, and gold is but few.
i know, my dear, i know that mama and aunty marie's passing haunts you, your beloved family, cousins, uncle charlie and i know that you question and far from see any reason that they should have died within only 24 days of each other, no apparent sign, sickness or problems.
i know it hurts to look into the burial ground in taiping, made originally for one person but used to bury two, two significant people in our lives. The winds blew and it felt like the heavens were crying, the tent shook over the burial grounds, and as cement was put over the plot, the rain increased, subsided only after we all took shelter.
i know it haunts that you were there at mama's last moments, and that you can still hear the screams of your cousins at your aunty's passing, you can still see the sadness drawn on your uncle's face till today, and for the first time prayed and wished upon a resurrection that could happen today.
but i also know that there wont be mama, my mama anymore the chirpy joyful almost jumping grandmother who would joke, laugh, even climb the neighbours fence with her sarong, in her slightly younger days. Her portugese lessons which contained much 'colourful' languages, her feeding us in huge plates with her hands one after another, her walking to the shops, her buying numbers, her smile, her laughter... Your oldest portuegese heritage, everyime you pass her room you will think of her.
i know that everytime you look at your uncle's face, you will see your aunty, the sorrow so deep written already all over his face. The bubbly person who never once was seen sad, has long been sorrowful.
i know that theres so much more you wish to say, to tell, to shout out from the rooftops, and yet so much more that you wish not to.
within the so much that i know, there a hundred more times of things that i dont.
I know you wish not my sympathy jess, nor understanding, but just for me to be here.
love always,
jess
Thursday, June 24, 2004
LiFe ShOt mOmEntS..
dReSsInG rOoM, GeTtiNg rEaDy fOr mOrE mAdnEsSsS eSpEciaLly iF bErNiE dRaNk cOfFeE! 
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