mAyBe tHe tImE hAs cOmE fOr mE tO LeAve

dear jess,

there are times when battle is tough and wounds even more painful. There are times when the enemy bites your nose off and you cant see it bleed, but you can feel the trinkle of warmth slowly streaming down your ugly face. The brutalities of war and the triumph of the stories later fades in comparison. You crawl on your belly, hands and half scrapped knees, and wished that you were out shopping or getting your nails painted. You turn to look at the back, whilst keeping your head down, you shout out to your comrades of the incoming bomb, only to see that they've all backed down, leaving you all by yourself. They probably left you about half a mile off ago, but you were too busy surviving you hadn't noticed.

You come back from battle, tired, angry, exhausted and the least you feel right now is victory, because the enemy is still there firing at you, and you've lost your nose and knees, not to mention pride.

Jess, i think its time to stop fighting. Its time to stop standing up for myself. its time to stop being different. Its time to.. give up.

The very one place i'd expect people to reflect God's love, has also been the very one place where i've bled over and over and over and over again. Ive looked back a million times to not only see my comrades leaving me behind but taking the gun and shooting at me. The very place i'd hope people accept me for who I am has become a battle ground.

Maybe just maybe its time to stop fighting. Its time to just put my gun down and leave. A part of me can't wait to leave and turn away from this muddy, messy battle ground and for once in my liffe, perhaps just once in my life i can stop fighting.

Im putting my gun down, turning and walking out that door. Perhaps its about time.

your's closing the door,
jess

tHe wOrLd cAn bE DiViDeD iNtO BoHeMiAns, bUmS aNd BuSyBodiEs

dear jess,

i asked my drama team 'how do you feel?' a common need that artist need to be in touch with, as if it were their second nature to know how they feel and to express it despite the norm of social inhibition. well, i feel a whole mixture of feelings that i wouldnt dare to share with even you, jess. You see the world is made up of three people, bohemians, bums and busybodies.

Let me start with my favourite ones, the busybodies. Whilst they're the most annoying ones, they are (trust me on this) the most fun ones to toy with as well. They're the ones that who have no guts so they go around asking other people about your private life- including (or rather, especially) love life. Met them before? i sure have... LOADS too. I just LOVE them!! They wonder if you're still dating the same guy, and they wonder why you are always seen with a guy, who by golly God forbid that he is just your new best fren, they wonder why you are willing to send your bestest friend home miles away although once again, God forbid thats what the car is for, and they simply need to know what you're doing in your personal life under the pretext of well, being up to date. And you know why they're my favourite people in the whole wide world???? i just love it when they start drooling with curiosity and yet lack the guts to ask me personally. I get my kicks that way these days. I love creating a controversy, altough im pretty sure its them who creates the controversy in their beautiful own mind. There you have it, the busybodies that come in all shape and sizes and the funniest part? they think i dont know they've been asking about me, watching me with the intensity in their eyes and shock in their faces they try so hard to hide but fail miserably.

The next ones are the bums. Well, ill just call them the bums for now. Thats what most people think of them anyways. They're the ones that the world cant seem to be happy about. Theyre the ones who actually take time off to do their thing, not worry about the pace of the fast changing world. I have a friend who once told me "im going to be out of the rat race one day" guess what? he's still in it. its an Asian thing perhaps that being busy means being productive? i use to work in a company that frowns on you if you left at six, because you should sell your soul to the company you worked for, and leaving before the sun was down was a no -no. i work twice a week these days.. and i guess im a bum. i admit it i love my sleeps and im a procastinator for the life of me. Someone said to me 'you're not young anymore you know' i guess that means i have to be married, have a stable job and be like everyone else before thirty. Well, you know what? if i wanted a predictable life, i would have done it years ago.

Which of course brings me to the bohemians. When i was lucky enough to perform in theater, i heard this word alot. A Bohemian is defined as someone with artistic or literary interests who disregards conventional standards of behavior. These days anyone who chases his dreams, without taking into account the norms of society is a bohemian. Bohemians dont care about material wealth or social status's because they live for the dream. Im not a bohemian and perhaps i would love to claim it. The bohemian probably suffers the most and whilst 'going against the norm' sounds like a youthful, idealistic propaganda these days, it is tiring indeed. From a simple decision to abandoning the norms of who you should marry, which till these days can get you into a whirlpool of dirty stares to family abandonment, to what you will do with your life. So bohemians will be the last people on earth to own a nice apartment before they are 26, and the first to be bad mouthed (i can think of a lot worse words..) But they are the ones that stay true to themselves and challenge who they can become. The safe path was never an option and they wont regret wondering 'what if they didnt try.'

So lets see, if there are really just three types of people i reckon most people would be the busybodies? Oh right, of course there are the wonderful norm that have normal lifes and normal everything else.. right. But who on earth wants to hear about them?


Be neither a conformist or a rebel, for they are really the same thing. Find your own path, and stay on it.
-Paul Vixie

yours,
jess

wHaT's HoTTeR tHan eAtInG cILi pAdi?? DrInKing ThEM!!!!

tHis iS aS bAd aS hOw aNyOne wOuLd LoOk iF tHey hAd CiLi pAdi vOdkA!!

wHat's yOuR FLaVouR???

sO cOoL tHeRe wAs bLaCkbErrY, rAmbUtAn, mANgo, LaIci, ChoCoLate!! yOu NamE iT mAn.. ALL eXcEpT DuRiAns.. hMMM... ohhh and thats karine's leg.. since she didnt allow me to post her pic :) hey girl!

ReLaTioNshiPs wOrK oNLY whEn iT goEs tHe wAy wE wAnT thEm tO..

dear jess

When your mum gave birth to you, it worked because she didn’t realize you’d become a starving musician,
When your dad paid for your pampers, it worked because he didn’t think you’d be single for so long

When your husband proposed, it worked because you thought he could give you security,
When you signed the divorce, it worked because it might keep him away

When you forgave him, it worked because you thought he wouldn’t do it again.
When you agreed to the friendship, it worked because you didnt know he was gay.

When you started sulking, it worked because you thought we cared
When you started to attend, it worked because you thought you’d fit in

When you started giving, it worked because you imagined a breakthrough.
When you started loving, it worked because you didn’t think it would hurt.

When your best friend told you who he liked, it worked because you didn’t know it would be her!
When you started trusting, it worked because you thought she wouldn’t tell.

When you started to be honest, it worked because you didn’t think she would lie.
When you decided to move away from them, it worked because you didn’t know that people are all the same.

love,
jess