tHe siGht oF a cAnceRous LuMp

dear jess,

the presence of my most intimate soul and reasoning, feeling and drowning of tears will always be written in the hard to swallow lump in my throat. It will neither have the capability to write, express or explain itself in its entirety.

Two worlds crash as it frequently does. And as always the lump of reasoning hides itself, but enough to tell itself to never totally give itself up emotionally.

Sometimes I think I never know what I want and most of the time I let all reasoning go and follow my emotions, forever sworn to do that which my heart deserves, that which comes without judgement or resentment, that which eyes see different from the world, from friends, from family, that which some people call the eyes of love.

Just once when you stop guarding your heart, just once when you stop imagining that you are strong, just then you become vulnerable…

As the lump turns to mock at people in love, people who profess eternal commitment, the lump comes out, get stuck and realizes the man sitting at the corner with a cigarette in his hand, social taboos, spiritual impossibilities and yet he is smiling at her.

He looks at her with those possibly what they call, eyes of love.

She looks back. With tears.

Too much symbolism. Too little time.

crushed,
jess

san pedro festivities, saint peter and his fishing ship 

crowds, ballons, line dancing, and Portuguese songs 

mini zippo's at five ringgit, mines the silver :) i love mini stuff..  

aNd oF coURse..

You Are 60% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist. You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How Cynical Are You?

hiLariOuS!

Your Deadly Sins

Pride: 40%

Envy: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Gluttony: 0%

Greed: 0%

Lust: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will become famous - and subsequently killed by a stalker.

How Sinful Are You?

oH deAr..i NeeD hELp

You Are 19 Years Old

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

What Age Do You Act?

eVeryThinG thAt feELs gOOd mUst bE sinFuL

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time

-Alfred E. Wiggam

dear jess,

Wearing my slippers every week will be my act of silence defiance. I told this to the boy who currently just started working in that oh so famous top five and now matches the pastel colour of his tie to his cuff pins that probably cost hundreds.

It’s a really cute tie pin.

The boys were told to come dressed ‘properly’ no jeans, no slippers. The women? Well for their sakes they were fortunate to not have put leash on me as I walked into the cold place filled with young people in my jeans, flip flops and a baby tee.

Its simply hilarious to me, once again that Asians living at the khatulistiwa who would’ve been dressed in office attire the whole day are required to come to bible study in those same clothes. If I was a male I’d come dressed in the most down to earth thing, perhaps minus the flip flops.

This is my problem with people in my faith. We are wound up so tight that when I was walking into that church I could’ve been walking into a funeral, my tie pin friend taught he was walking into a school.

Just before going, I started to think that studying the bible was starting to look fun, of course me and mr. tie pin couldn’t stop laughing at the high strungness of the whole thing.

So there I was, feeling fortunate that I had a friend next to me who was unlike the rest. My sarcastic brains started to scan the crowd of boys with thick glasses, pants as high up as their neck, and women who looked silent and sweet…

Like I said I was sarcastic.

So. If I ever start a bible study id probably ask people to wear their party clothes and come to celebrate the fact that we believe in a religion that’s suppose to be joyous and it would really be nice to see more ‘uncouth Christians’- those that don’t shun away from fun, slightly non geeky pants and talking loudly because sitting on the pew has hurt their bottoms.

Am I going back this week? Heck yes who else is going to make fun of structures, organisations, and other people's dressing? Of course after one or two weeks who knows what will happen to me. hopefully ill still be wearing my pants at the same level.

And I wont compromise my slippers. Or so I think…

yours,

jess

dAys WheN yoU juSt Go *bLeAH*

The power of accurate observation is called cynicism by those who have not got it.
-George Bernard Shaw


dear jess,

I usually began with stories of coffee cups, or self stupidity, but today I’ve ran out of silliness.

On Sunday I sat in on a conversation of a boy on his first backpacking trip to a nearby country for a mere six days. Yes six days should rarely qualify for all the over-ness that I had to hear over my two weeks of carrying two backpacks.

So there this boy goes talking to this man, who hasn’t been into this country because this man was borrowing (lending?) this boy his 600 dollar backpack. And he tells him, be careful people will just walk away with the bag (this are things you will face when you go to that country..) or his wise questioning on will you leave your bag at “base” or carry it around…

Its six days for goodness sake!

Okay, so perhaps part of my irritation is that I just got myself an 80 dollar backpack for my upcoming two week backpacking trip to two or three countries if I get lucky. Or that neither of them would look me in the eye or hear what I would have to say when I’ve been there. Well somewhat in the next country. Or the irony of using a 600 dollar bag on a ‘backpacking’ trip for SIX days. But still mostly that no one was listening to me.

And people ask me why I don’t tell them about my trip or about myself. This is exactly why. People rarely want to listen.

And whilst I’m deeply in love with my eighty dollar backpack, it needs to be exchanged due to sewing issues. Yes, perhaps because six hundred dollars can pay for half or more of my trip I’m glad to say that I don need air conditioning, hot water, or even fully clean beds to survive in another country.

But once in a while, I do need, yes I need people to look me in the eye and listen or talk to me, like I’m a real human being.

This does help people from sliding into depression, murders, nonchalant –ness and perhaps, you know; talking to themselves in letters.

There. Who said I ran out of silliness.

yours,

jess

tAkE OnE huNdReD anD tWo

dear jess,

I know I've said that I sometimes strife to put myself in uncomfortable positions. Okay so maybe i didn’t say it out loud, but I learned something some time ago from my travel partner to always try something I usually wouldn’t. Like, trying unlikely styles of sunglasses or clothes. Or eating bugs.

And to be flexible. Like not being too grossed out when my cousin’s cousin pukes next to me, with traces on my hands and feet.

Now, really, that would make a girl think she’s all prep for life, just by being puked next to and on.

And then there are those moments when you dread so terribly much you wished you could just walk out of. Like yesterday at my shoot in my mInute malay speaking role on a tv show.

Ostracized

It reminded me of awkward theater days when because you’re new in the business no one talks to you and there is no way of you acting funny, cute or even interested in people’s conversation that will get you anywhere.

Actually, it reminds me of moments of a school kid’s first day at school, except I was the only kid in a class of seniors who have been together for years.

And then of course there were the moments where repeating my lines in the stage of my little head just meant forgetting them more.

Then the sudden panic that this isn’t theatre and there were no rehearsals or emotional build up and better yet, the person I’m suppose to be acting with, I wouldn’t have practiced lines with till we’re in front of the oh so intimidating cameras.

Then there are moments when I coax myself that it’s just for fun.

Of course, all this when I’m alone.. by myself..

After seven hours, its close to midnight at the apartment of the scene which I got to at 4 pm; my small scene still wasn’t near being shot.

Just as things began to pick up and I actually found that one person who found me funny, I was told my scene wasn’t going to be shot today.

Despite the improvement of my emotional well being, all I wanted to do was leave. Sitting around the whole day just waiting for my scene to be shot, trying to look busy is probably the best acting I’ve done.

Doing nothing is rather, awfully, terribly, tiring.

Tomorrow. Again. Shooting. Waiting. And repeating my lines in my head. Being nervous. Wondering what to do with my hands. Wondering what malay line ill screw up.

Well, at least I still have the one person who finds me funny.

Wait. What if he doesn’t come to work tomorrow?

your live entertainment,
jess

evErYonE sAy, AwWwW...

dear jess,

After strutting about in my much adored one day old sleeping pants and celebrating my solidarity of being home alone and watching bridget jones one and two, any idiot can tell that that isn’t a good combination for a girl like me.

After attempting to eating a dinner of fruits and failing, walking around in my lazy pants, cleaning and brewing coffee; slouching on the couch does wonders to ones spirit.

Then again, after the first few hours of being alone, I wondered who I could call. Chat. Bug. Be with. But then I remind myself again I like being alone, kind of.

Its interesting. Bridget. Ive seen it but never thought about it, perhaps not assuming more to love stories than a bunch of silly movies made up for the over romantic. Her over powering need to be accepted and to be loved just the way she is, as everyone should.

What if I fell for an overweight guy who smokes? Do I try to change him? it could be good for him, except maybe I want it to be good for me? as much as we claim that we are women who don’t dream up of our prince charming anymore, we do, women, the high powered, independent ones all the more than the ‘domesticated’ ones.

But “alas” “we” fall for normal guys. And that is always a good thing, except at moments when we try to change them more than they try to change us.

What if we just stop reading into chick flicks?

yours,

jess