i.g.r.i.d

dear jess,

"i want to change the world, instead i sleep."

ingrid michaelson

i want to be young again. not because i need to look younger or feel bouncier or have more energy to talk more nonsense. i simply need to be younger and to be filled with that sense of being able to be anyone i want in the whole world and being able to change the world.

in the past few days i have been able to learn more about people, and it never seems to be something i can come to like. people, are clearly strange. and they, like animals, seek out security. they work in packs and tend to stick in those groups. i remember over the weekend that i had wanted to hang out with that one person, but he was clearly too busy being in his pack, and i tried to make new friends but breaking into their pack probable meant becoming their dinner.

so there i was. alone but with people who somehow manage to be with me, but was never part of me. what was i looking for? acceptance? love? solace? trying to break into the normal social acceptance of these people sticking with those?

or the truth that i dont have a pack and am okay with that?

i'd like to think that im ready to face the world again. that i can stop being conscious. that i knew i was holding my wine glass wrongly on monday night and actually not be bothered by it. that i can stand before you and not be afraid to be flawed.

that i don't need a pack. and in reality i don want one.

so the question you must be asking is if it doesnt bother me, then why am i so bothered with it?

i dont know. perhaps its because if im sleeping things may seem better than if i woke up to find that i would rather just be sleeping.

yours,

jess