nO sHaME!!

dear jess

I have a month. One month to finish what ive started almost five years ago. Yes five years. I frequently use to get asked the question, but worse still I use to get the “look” when I did finally answer.

What? You’re not done with your masters yet? Naturally I would get the look that says “she’s dumb” and all this from people who don’t even have their postgrad. And to be honest I use to squirm and shun from the question because I too taught that that was my failure. Taking such a damn long time.

Then I realized. I took a year and a half to do my coursework, and two years I spend doing a research that eventually proved futile. I had to rewrite my whole thesis, from scratch. I had wasted two years and probably more.

So I had to start all over again. And in my human nature I failed many times to do my best, seen through a thousand drafts and cried a million times.

The worse part is, me and my legendary lecturer have decided that I should finish my work in a month. To avoid administration complications. A month that I had initially planned to stretch out to three!

What’s important though is that for the last four years I have been afraid of saying; yes my masters is still a work in progress and I swear half the world that doesn’t know me, assumes I have already graduated.

No more shame. I am where I am at. yes ive taken ages, and no one except my God and me will know what its been like. Perhaps this courage will feel as good as when i finally do make it to the end. we'll see.

And when I think of my calling, im not afraid of life.
Nina in The Sea Gull, Anton Chekhov

yours out of coffee, and in need of more hours in a day,

jess

oNe baBy wiTh pErsoNaliTy pLeasE

dear jess,

ive been meaning to put this picture up and share with you about this boy.. before your ears start to stick up high in the air and wonder if i will be talking about the "love of my life" its really about a two year old boy.

but i think its about 5 times that ive been meaning to put his picture and then i go nah. this whole issue about 'responsible blogging,' and how we dont hide beneath he mask of anonimity represents my hesitation to put the picture of "my" two year old darling's picture. after all i hadnt asked permission.

the thing is. you know something special when u see one.

the truth is. there are many "ugly" kids; honesty sucks. but we love them anyway.

so ive decided. if i ever had a kid he has to have to be like this one! im pressuring my non existant kid already!

its hard to explain a two year old who has personality and adoring face!

you see, this two year old, can dribble and kick a ball, harder and straighter than some adults. its strange that i should miss a kid who isnt related to me, and at the risk of soudning like a sick puppy, he would come up to you and say "go walking" and proceed to go play with his football and when he kicks, he goes "ooooohhh" like it was the best damn thing that has happened.

perhaps the cutest thing is the way he shouts "BABY" to his cousins ten, fifteen, years older than him, because they're short.

i dont usually write about things mushy and at the risk of sounding like a proud parent, this really is a one in a million boy.

yours on a break from cynicism,
jess

*duMbFouNdEd* wiTh thE dUmB

dear jess

this is the reason why i dont bother with people too much. i recommend and offer to loan my theatre book to my fellow theatre lecturer (apparently we're lecturers) and she goes "yeah photostate for me."

*blink blink* wait i have to go to the shop and photostate my book for YOU, the person who wants to loan MY book?

*blink blink*

*blink*

*blllliiinnkkkkk*

now seriously, can someone please tell me if my forehead reads "walk all over me, and while you're there take a picture."

some days i just cant deal with human beings.

yours,

jess

im GriEviNg foR yOu?

dear jess,

Im grieving a pain I thought was long gone. Perhaps ive denied you too long, for too much. Perhaps its just the desire that’s unexplainable and so painful that makes you cry. Its just so hard living without you..

in an attempt to sound as non dramatic as i can, i dont think i can survive if i dont find either of you. i wish i was a simpler person who was contented with the normalities of life. woe is me

i realise how much i miss you both. but oh will i ever get to be with you again?

yours,
The heartbroken, depressed again jess

the blurred out picture, as there are too many sharp things already.

Me and the rest at the Importance of Being Earnest

Bernie, me, shah and megat goofin around in

d dressing room during production of OTC

sUgaR anD sPicE anD aLL thiNgS niCE??

dear jess,

He told me that he was afraid of talking to me because he thinks that perhaps I don’t like him. Well maybe in some ways I don’t actually like him, or maybe in other ways I just don’t want to like him.

In a crude, mean and “im an old maid” way, I was so pleased to be told that ‘I was feared’ and that ‘I don know what goes on in your mind.’

More pleased than I would’ve expected. You see, ive always seen myself as someone that everyone walks over. Perhaps its my own fault that I let them.

Heres my reply. Im sorry, but you know im just the kind of person who doesn’t want to be close to many people. Because they’ve always disappoint me. at the very moment you think I sound arrogant and you’re probably right, I’m not looking for someone superhuman. its just that some people you let in your hearts, disappoint you one too many.

Im pretty happy where im at, intimidating people I never knew I was capable of. You see, at some point I wasn’t always cynical. In fact on some days when cynicism takes a holiday to Mauritius, I make that call for tea to the “friend” who betrayed me. But since holidays don’t come too easy, be prepared to be afraid. A concept of me I still find hilarious and unfathomable.

yours, and yet in reality, that isnt true,

jess

wHat wiLL bE neW abOut thE nEw yeAr?

dear jess,

so, in reality i dont have much to say to you. however, ive been thinking about one motivating factor that will help me get through this year. yes, perhaps im that much of a suicidal that i have not much reason or motivation in life. or in reality i am just a slacker, and it doesnt worry me much that i have no motivation to thrive in the new year. *bleah* hate the overachievers.

so anyways, i have found one, actually two things to look forward to the whole year and to get me through teaching a class of 12 boys and 2 girls, surviving the mundanity, and live in anticipation.

still in retrospect i did learn how to fish this year, and swim the year before. maybe it hasnt been too bad? and surprisingly i thoroughly enjoy doing the two. and for those who think fishing is boring, they sure havent fished for real.

i digress.

as for my anticipation? i shan't jinx it.

its time to go to bed and wake up to mundanity. *groans*

yours,
jess

cHaLkS, a ThiNg oF thE pASt

dear jess,

have you wondered, if you wondered in retrospect whether you did the right thing that perhaps you didnt? because if you are pondering about it right now it means that youre really regretting not doing something that you shouldve done.

its one of those spur of the moment things that requires you to find the voice deep within. should i have fought that fight? do i pick this one or is being quite the best way out now?

the thing is. i dont really know.

right now the girl who told me she wants to do theatre is going to do dance. and i wonder should i have said more despite them not believing that she said she wanted to , despite she putting dance as her first choice in the past, despite having already been shot down by the teachers? despite being my first time in the discussion?

and yet i didnt. i kept quiet.

are teacher's asses? you know. i had a math teacher once and she collected all these "weak" students and had extra classes.

you see. the girl who can dance and act will be the ones that we regret not fighting over whilst the incipit, insignificant ones that cant do anything, no one wants in their department. probably me regreting not saying anything makes me wonder was it because i missed a chance at a great talent or that i didnt do her right? what about the ones that claims loves dance but freezes up for a full ten minutes during auditions?

maybe im making myself feel a little better that the brilliant girl will probably be fine anywhere, in my theatre class or in her dance class. in the meanwhile. i was one of those that no one wanted. seriously. how many people do we know that never gave up on us?

i had an ass of a teacher who went "from you i expect a C lar, and from you pass also can lar" if only i was smarter and replied, i expect better too? i was too busy ducking my head behind the girl he just wanted an E from.

are teachers important because they teach? or because they are willing to teach the weak ones. the ones that you hate because they come to theatre class and go "i have to act?" or the ones that get stage fright?

did someone believe in whatever little talent i had or put in extra hours or spoke up for me? we always complain that our students arent good enough and theyre not living up to our expectations. maybe we should live up to theirs. i mean heck, the good students dont need us. in truth, we're the ones who're desperate for them.

truth has been revealed. before they martry me, the best teachers crave for the best students. in fact no one ever wants the sucky ones.

and i have no conclusion. teachers dont know everything

yours,

jess

bRinG oUt tHe cHaMpaGnE

dear jess

After too many years of eve’s of those so called new years, one wonders what the fuss is really all about. Why on earth are people lookin so drunkardly happy and screaming on the top of their lungs that its going to be another long, dreary endless year? If you haven’t already noticed, im all hoo haa’ed for the new year.

My pain in the a** eve – literally saw me running up and down to the toilet for 3 and a half days with my appetite currently remaining at a lost. Im not too keen on finding it back if it means I loose weight, on the other hand, im not sure who iam without my appetite.

Speaking of, in my arguably most insignificant new years of years im still wondering why ? again? Considering the people suffering in this world, I should be contented that I have basic health and the promise of things to come? So why do I remain not the least bit thrilled?

How many people hate their lives and am I one of them? Why should I call it new when everything is going to remain unfortunately as steadily the same as it was before? I will not remain in the blanket of hidden truths and pretend like the year is suppose to make me happy and I will not lie that I feel the distastefulness of things to come like the blandness of my food.

I am fed up. Of the everything being so frighteningly familiar, or perhaps that im letting it be that way. Everyday I pray for a reason.

yours,
jess