im fat, are you?

dear jess,

what is it with us Malaysians?

i was in ikea and an ex collegue sees me. we greet, and guess what she says???? i heard your voice but then i saw you and i thought jessica is thin, it cant be her. and then we go on talking for maybe two seconds and she insist on asking me "why i had become fat?"and of course, it doesnt end before she brings it up several more times.

let me start with what is wrong here, and try to be as objective, despite the fact that im FUMING with anger. The thing is, ive heard this several times, of me and NOT of me. people meet after a long time and guess what the first thing is that they say? not how are you or ive missed the days we hung out or even if you're married.. NOOOO, why those aren't important things.. instead they insist on mentioning the wonderful fact, that is not only just insulting but is most likely already KNOWN to the adreesee. hey you're FAT since i last saw you. and that was ten years ago. right we don grow fat ten years later.

i seriously do not get it. i dont know if its a malaysian thing and its probably unfair to say so. its just i dont get it cos ive seen this happen so many times i absolutely need an explanation. from people of a "polite" culture who say "yes" when they mean "no" and "no" when the mean "yes" when food is offered to them, saying YOU'RE FAT to someone is okay???????

YES IM ANGRY. i've grown FATTER since the last seven years and i dont care, so why should you??? the next time someone says that to me im gonna say "well you haven't changed have you? you're still ugly."

phatly,

jess

kindness equals stupidity??

dear jess,

i guess i took a longer break than usual. hmm. its almost the end of the year, and i dont quite have any motivation for the next. i was looking back at my journals, throwing some out and reminiscing them before ditching these memories forever.

i was watching my favourite sitcom, samantha who and how she discovers these memories. and how the brain protects us from remembering so much, because that is how much we can take. well, in that case i dont think i can take much cos apparently ive forgotten alot. which is why im glad i do journal. and the ones i ditched out, well, lets say some memories should be ditched.

i dunno. i dont like thinking about the future either, at the moment. i came across entries of enthusiasm, the love for what i do and so on so forth. but at this point the thought of going through another year, doing the same thing, that just makes me sick. there was no point to that, except rant i guess.

the other day, on the way back from my last bsf class, i saw an old man pushing an old lady with a small boy. they were facing their backs to the oncoming cars, but the little boy was waving. i looked behind, no cab, i think, hesitate, think and ,. i do the unthinkable. i stop to see if they need help.

i ask them, where are you going and whats wrong??? the reason i stopped is because i genuinly thought they might be going to the hospital. instead the young boy tells me the lady has asthma and needs the medication. i look at that thingy, the one where i use to use when i was a kid to pump the medicine in my mouth. he says its 200 and i know this wasnt true. i give him 6 ringgit and say that is all i have, when this too isnt true. and thats what pisst me off. i took the time and the RISK to stop and ask a stranger if they needed help, give them what they know as "all the money i have" and then the woman on the "wheelchair" says that isnt enough and they need more cos the medicine is expensive.

i should've just hit them when i had the chance. i know that sounds cruel, but so is lying to someone who was driving home alone at 12am and offerred help at the risk of her own security. i know. im stupid and i dont blame people for not stopping if i ever need help.

what have we all become..

yours,
jess

PAUSE

some great drama workshops for the holidays for kids. spread the word and give me a call if you're keen!

Venue: BluBricks Kota Damansara
Age: 4 – 6 yrsDates: 24 – 26 Nov 08Time: 9.30am – 12.30pmFees: RM160/studentTheme: Hansel and Gretel's Journey Home

Age: 7 – 9 yrsDates: 1 – 4 Dec 08Time: 9.30am –12:30 pm Fees: RM200/studentTheme: Creative Writing Through Drama with Yasmin Martin

Age: 10 – 12 yrsDates: 26 – 28 Nov 08Time: 1.30am – 4.30 pm Fees: RM230/studentTheme: Making Headlines, Presenting the News, Research, Write and Report!

Age: 13 – 16 yrsDates: 1 – 4 Dec 08Time: 12.30am – 4.30 pm Fees: RM250/studentTheme: Drama for Teens

confessions of a commitment-phob

dear jess

i dont know what i want. i am inclined to know wat i do not want more than what i do want. i do not want to become a "suit," nor do i want to wake up everyday at 7 o clock to beat the jam, nor do i want to wait for it to become 5 so i can clock out.

i have it pretty good i must say. i work really hard, if for one second you dare to think that the stupid suits work harder than me. i do a six day week to a clientale of a ten year age gap, prepare hours of teaching ranging from things that require me to use kids glue all the way to shakespeare AND im trying my best to be a researcher and a scholar.

now that im done bragging, or complaining... iam inclined to realise that suddenly, all i feel like doing is just dumping all these to the bin. just change everything i ever worked for and i dunno, become a wheatgrass collector or something.

just when i get something i dont want it anymore. and now i think all this is holding back from me wanting to do something else.

its horrible having to live with someone like me. trust me.

XOXO

the wait.

The call beckons. In my mind the world is still awaiting my much delayed coming.

It has heard of the dreams I uttered in secret.
It has heard of miseries and woes, and the joys I have shared with nobody but her.
The world waits. And I do too..

She awaits for me and I for him.

Some days she helps me to rationalize my love for the one I wait.
Some days she makes me think that I should be angry about the wait that seems endless.

He knows nothing of my pain,
my deepest sorrows and longings.
I know nothing of the things she has for me,
The wonders of the unknown

When he finally comes to me.
My waiting ends; but only for a fleeting moment.
In that short moment, the misery of waiting is suspended.
And I forget.

The wait will continue.
I for him and she for me.
And I will wait for the time when perhaps one day my soul will be revealed to him
Or if I shall leave to be by her side

Perhaps by then, she having grown tired would have stopped waiting for me.

*snore*

dear jess,

is it really possible to live on love and fresh air? no, im not talking about relationships, not with any human being anyways. is it possible to wake up at least once a month and think, i love what i do? when i had my feet in two boats- working and studying i use to have that one second tranquility thinking, i love what i do.

after all the chasing and wanting and shifting, has it all been worth it? has it all been what you thought it would be? when i first landed my first "real" role in a play i was estatic. until it too began to became mundane, reading the same lines and trying to make it real every night.

i feel that sometimes i need a jolt, a burst of craziness, a wake up call. you know, one of those individuals who work, perform and then go out to fight for human rights, or some great cause.

inspiration? i need one kilogram please.

yours,

jess

bleah

dear jess,

i find with great difficulty fulfilling my new job "scope" of late. teaching preschoolers. im at this point in my life where i can opt to lecture and for reasons such as the simple one of actually having to work everyday i have decided to, for now, continue doing what i do. alas, that has to include teaching drama to preschoolers.

i love teaching teens, primary students but preschoolers? one boy in the initial weeks scratched his crotch and told me that it was in pain, so i asked him if hes ok and he shifted his privates and said "its ok, its just the foreskin."

blink.

what i dont get tho, is adults. in fact, thats probably why i don't work a normal job anymore. i dont have to pretend to have coonversations that are interesting with them during lunch, neither do i have to go on and on about how i hate my job and would rather be doing something else- but never ever doing it. miserable things adults are, no? :) (insert footnote: read the little prince for reference to this para)

i had to takeover from a broken down, almost in tears teacher at a kinde today. the principal complains to me that parents dont see the "results" of having speech and drama for their kids, and she wants to see a performance by the end of the month! parents complained that all they did in drama was "play"

blink.

foreskin! i wanted to say.

mam, speech and drama for preeschoolers, is a play activity - there are no reuslts, or rather, it isnt result based. should i blame it on our asian culture of only keeping things around if they serve a immediate forseeable result???

they have lived in the world for four to six years and yes, that is what we do, that is how they learn- play. don insult jean piaget the great psychologist for his years of research! if the world would only stop wanting to see results for a minute and learned to play, the world would be alot better. and we all would be alot happier! oh God i hope i dont become the almost in tears teacher seven months down the road!

yours,

jess

a change is gonna come... perhaps

"people dont change, if people can change would you be you ?"
from Samantha Who

dear jess,

good question huh? ive been gushing about samantha who? its, to me, currently the best comedy series. in this episode, samantha's alcoholic bestie tells samantha's other bestie deana,- the overweight girl who was always left out in school and still remains rather a sore thumb "people dont change, if people can change would you be you?" and deana, goes "she has a point"

the essence of good comedy, laughing at the truth.

sure, now its all about "being true to ourselves" and the fact that we are that way and we "wont change for others." but seriously think about it? one of the conversations i seem to have with my "alcoholic bestie" is how that person who we knew 20 years ago is still irritating, the other one still not matured and some others still pick their nose or scratch their crotch in public. we may have our degrees, great jobs, and nice cars, but some things about us dont change, sometimes not the most presentable thing. one thing about us has definitely changed- our skill to justify all our nasty habits and characteristics!

signing off like i always have,

yours,

jess

what ive done with half a decade of my life

dear jess,

so it seems like it is finally over. and how do you tell a story? im not much of a story writer, more of a feeling writer, if there is such a word. i hate telling stories, getting into the details, remembering twists, turns and stuff.. but this is important, so ill try.

i have finally arrived at the threshold of a journey that i thought would never end, or would end in ways i didnt want. i decided many years back to do this and i applied to do my masters, but i was rejected the first time because apparently i did geography in uni as a minor. then the following year, i thought id apply again and this time, i had resolved to the fact that if i didnt get it i would be okay with it, and in addition to that i told God that it would be a sign for me to take another path. but i got in.

and i took that as a sign that this was my calling, God wants me here. i went and did my one and a half years of coursework and for once i was acing most of my exams! i actually enjoyed wat i was studying thoroughly and when it came time to do my thesis, i thought i did what was right. one year with the lecturer, and he splits. he just leaves me stranded and in addition to that he didnt help me in my thesis or tell me what i was doing wrong. or the fact that the thesis wouldnt work! when i presented the thesis, i was ambushed publicly and made statements that made me look like a perfect idiot.

it felt like a tragic day. i went home and cried. i was in my room feeling sorry for myself when i heard my grandma going to the toilet. she was throwing up. my grandmother never throws up. so i went in and rubbed her back she told me that she had a bad headache. i went and got her medication, and lied down next to her. i rubbed her back and talked to her. that was the last day i talked to her.

i spent at least one semester doing nothing. three years passed- not even in that order. i told u i was bad with details. then i went to 'the legend' of a lecturer. he said to me this one thing that revived my soul. this is not just your work. its yours and mine. okay, more than one thing. i could have hugged him. in a world where everyone would die before they took any unnecessary responsibility over someone else, here was this man, known for all he had done in the theatre world tellin little broken me that he would be there, that my failure would be his, and my success just as much his..

so we took a year to research, at least, and then we send it in. and then i hit another bump. lecturers who marked my work but didnt know it. i had to do large corrections, some of which were way off. he was there again. "the legend" defended me in the meetings and even discarded one of the examiners stupid corrections.

i reached the end of my road last few months and had resigned to the fact, that its okay, anything happens will be fine by me. i was expecting the worse, that my work would come back and it wouldnt be good, and i wont graduate this year.

but it wasnt so. as of today i sent it to the copiers and they are gonna bind it. i still have this nagging feeling that maybe something will go wrong. i suppose when you come this near to realizing a "dream" it feels like it might not happen.

ive had to endure people giving me looks after they go "you're still studying?" "you're not done?" "what are you doing?."

its finished. one phase of my life is almost finish. i suppose God knew he'd want me on this path for so many years, for some reason. maybe in a comical way, i should've been careful for what i asked God for. so. this is my life. ill always remeber these five years. i will always remember that the day i presented the thesis is the day i lost mama. i will remember that someone was willing to share his life with me so that i can succeed. most of all, i will remember that the God who has led me here will always bring me through.

chapter. end. and a new, long one begins.

yours,

jess

anger my faithful companion

jess

have you ever reached that point in your life when anger and dissapointment overwhelms you? when you think you want to change your life, leave the country or attempt the things you've been avoiding? if i could realise anger into some form of material being and pour it into my car, i could drive with it too china, back and still have ample.

when im angry, i clean, wash the laundry and then make plans to change my life.

ive had so many wasted opportunities and sometimes i sit here and wonder, when someone has just told me that im not going to be part of the voice over project because they didnt need any more females- and i was the last to reply my email. i sit here and wonder.

truth is im so tired. im tired of this "business" im tired of always wondering am i good enough? im tired of putting on my thick skin and going for auditions. i want to live in a world where i dont have to prove to anyone im good enough, especially me. i want to live in a world where i can spend my time not waiting. not waiting for someone to ask. not waiting for my cheques. not waiting for the one i love to finally decide to spend time with me.

im gonna fuel up my car now and go to china. will be back soon. i think anger lasts shorter than i would like it to.

jess

the love of my life...

this is soooooooooo good.. one "cube" is four times the size of the normal chocolate. its awesome.. only problem is that its from rome.

hmm wonder if i can find it here. i shall be doing more chocolate "reviews" soon :P

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A.D. the performance

come watch..

tragedy

dear jess,

last week a friend's wife passed away. she was 8 months pregnant and only 30 years old. she fell in the bathroom and her husband found her in the morning. she had that anneurism thing that my grandmother did. its when a vein bursts in your brain and it has no age barrier or direct cause. the symptom would be this huge, horrible headache.

it was so tragic that she passed away that way and was pregnant. it was their first year into their marriage too.

life is fleeting and so is the time spent with loved ones!

love,
jess

an ulcer a week, keeps the chatterbox away

dear jess,

im writing to you today because talking is proving to be difficult lately. quite literally having the ulcer on my tongue, my prone to ulcer mouth usually happens on the gum area, so now that its landed on the side of my tongue, i find myself talking only necessary, and pronouncing my r's as w's. its quite laughable - "buy me a swurpee please?"

as you can tell, i perhaps need to chatter and hence my foresight towards a non introspective mail. i have since being the little urban girl needed to pause and reflect on the changes in my life. well not so much changes in my life as it is surrounding my life.. in the last couple of years i have met people in gangs. Recently an individual badly injured because, as they say, he got "chopped." he has too many too-count stitches, lost his fourth finger and part of his skull! we travelled to malacca for the wedding and his story amazes me.

i really like being here, in the historical city and i would always do my ritualistic walk down to the mall and if i can squeeze in the whole "red" area, go to kampung portugis for my v-coffee and practise my kristang by picking up new vocab, sit at kolam chuan whilst the other half fishes and have chicken ball rice at the best place, far away from all the touristy ball rice. the extras wil be my classic ole skool ice kacang at saturday ice cafe, the oh so superb asam pedas and mary biadu's meehon.

i have in the last couple of years learned a few more strange malaccan and kristang traditions , the nicknaming, the heart and cross symbol for eurasian weddings, to go to pulau besar you must pantang from pork for a week, the st francis statue story, the most superb mango juice is the uncle's stall at settlement, pheng (feng) is a kristang dish out of pigs inerts which taste awesome (that upon questioning my mum, i learned she didnt learn to make it cos she didnt like it!), malaccans eat wan tan mee with cili boh and it actually tastes good.

whats the fweaking pont jess? im still that urban sheltered girl with education and dreams that go whoa, cool, now i know someting or someone new.

jak, yo kere by drumi,

jess

its always about.. love

dear jess,

of all the capabilities of human beings, the most remarkable must be their ability to love.

at some point in my life, i reach the treshold and i had invested everythin in the one person that i had chosen to love. chosen. it would not matter as much what people said anymore. i remember once in the past, when i was much younger, i ran to this person- who would then seem to me to be wise, and i told her, foolishly, oh so foolishly about how much i liked this person. the next thing i knew, i was warned about being with someone who was- as i shall put it- not "protestan." and it went on, someone else found out and called someone else cos i was dating a - oh wait, here comes the word, a "non- protestan."

the equation in my life would be that none of my wonderful "protestan" friends would ever meet my "non-protestan" person in my life. my personal life, shut with a huge lock on it, and some of the "closest" people finding out events new to them that would have by then been a couple of years.

when people are different and things are hugely unpredictable, people become scared. me included, me especially.

i came to the realisation that my religion- not my faith was part of my upbringing. i went to sunday school, went to church camps, youth camps, brethren youth camps, served in church, etcetera, etcetera. I bring this to the relationship and i think that i dont want to change everything i know, i wont be "non-protestan" because apparently this is who iam.

i have more to say and less words to say them with at the moment. :)

yours my love,

jess

aging with craze

dear jess

the best thing about turning thirty this year was that i got to act like a three year old. and it was allllllllll worth it.. i recommend it to everyone. rent a place, play games, eat, laugh, play dodgeball, run into someone while playing baseball, and most importantly throw ice water on everyone at 1am. if that happen everytime i turn thirty i wouldnt mind doing it ev-er-y-day.

more on facebook :)

throwing ice water at each other in the middle of the night makes everyone a little crazy.. :)

tequila is my fren......

taboo time.. laugh till it ached

dodgeball punishment.. pouring ice water oh so slowly over you...

a little older, and obviously choosing to not grow up,

jess

...

dear jess,

God has been good to me. more so than i have Him. i know that there are things in our life that changes us, experiences, places, people, events. all of us thinking that our experiences is more important than anybody elses. the uni life, the boyfriend, the travelling.

and then one day, you find out something. perhaps its a death, a well kept secret or a sickness that requires a changed lifestyle. how does someone with cancer deal when he is told that what he thought of his body all this while, really isnt..

everything changes. everything is different. and the only experience more important than anybody elses, is how God still loves you.

it still surprises me, perhaps just as much as it should Him, that im still loved by God. my bad. i measure God against people i know.

undesrving, selfish, me, i cant grasp that there is nothing i can do or not do to make Him love me more or less. im pretty sure i wont till the day i die.

yours

jess

the good die young

dear jess

there was this sign that i fail to remember where i saw now. it was huge and it said "i love art, i just hate the art world" i laughed on the spot and did a "mental gesture" of fisting my heart towards the sign. my cousin, i think it was, next to me just remained blank. i didnt bother to explain.

there is a point in history-local theatre english history to be specific where someone was noted for winning the "first" english playwrighting script. the rules were that you can submit an unpublished work. his? wasnt. yet he wins first prize and he goes down in history for being the first at something.

there was another competition where the runner up was told that his play wasnt chosen because it was "too controversial." the "real winner" goes home feeling like a million dollars. he too goes down in history.

there are people in theatres today who write scripts and do a really bad job but still perform in large stages. they, will go down in history. all i can do is scratch my head and wonder frustratingly why so many untalented undeserving people can get so far.

i know that we all realise that at some point history is more closely related to fiction than anything else but im still, foolishly, a believer that our extremely imperfect world is capable of doing the right thing at the right time sometimes. i suppose "luck" plays a larger role in our lives than we think it does. well, perhaps more in other peoples lives than ours.

i love art. i hate the art world.

*fists*

jess

dear jess,

dramatic times!!

the embarassment, the shock, the slap on the face.. everyone loves a good tale of people fighting for their rights and actual change being made. truth be told, this should have been a long time coming. the facade of previous PM which people STILL think of him as a "godfather" should have too realised that malaysians were not happy with the unequal treatment. of course, back then we had some form of prosperity and malaysia was supposedly being put on the world map with tall buildings and big race track.

people i speak today of still uphold that we wouldve been nothing without some of those things. seriously, do we really need a tall building and a world class track if our basic rights were being compromised.

i know theres so much happiness in the shock, i guess i just think its scary that when you have a charismatic leader who can scold you into submission, people thought that was good. but alas, that was the past.

it was a crazy night with people at weddings standing in front of the tv's watching the news. i got a mail today that was addressed to tv3 and cc'd concering why we werent told the news of the results properly and on time. i didnt even know that selangor was in opposition till sunday evening. newspapers were sold out and i assume the people i lunched with also didnt know cos they didnt say anything!

so clearly im still in shock that selangor is in the opposition. good shock. the opposition has promised to be more transparent. no matter what happens, its good to know that the ruling should be afraid of the people and not the people of the ruling, yes?!

now, i wonder if we can get rid of that jail up north that allows people imprisonement without trial..

long live OUR malaysia!

sing mak bedah sinG!

yours,

jess

the countdown..

dear jess,

there is an epic proportion weighing in the back of whatever brain left that i own, telling me that in order to remain psychologically healthy i have to continue expressing myself. the eclipse of my time edges over and im slowly preparing myself for soon enough i will have to blow off the big three-oh on my cake. i cant even confront that by writing down the number. needless to say, denial has always been my best friend.

in my mind, im all set though. not like i have the option of turning back anyways. i grew up all of my 29 years never having a birthday party. not once. it has always been just family or close friends but growing up i didnt get any of those mc-donald parties or even those at home where friends would bring around gifts. i dont hold a grudge, but it has made me believe that parties should always be thrown by someone else who appreciates you, hence i havent gotten a party in 29 years HAHA.. im sure its just that no one would go through the trouble. denial, best friend; remember?

so im throwing a few -or so i think- for myself. and having a bash, while im at it, or so i think. but thats not the point of this letter was it? in some ways i think im looking forward to becoming a "woman."

time to be brave and to be my own person. time to go to the doctors without my mummy? she follows me, what am i to say i dont need you? okay so maybe i don really want to grow up, after all i always want my mummy for some things in life.

but i really want certain things that come with age, knowing who iam and being obnoxious about it, even when im wrong!

haha. well. there is always one thing that is good about growing older and i can attest to it. you stop wanting people to like you as much, realising that it really doesnt matter and you stop caring lesser and lesser about what people think about you, or things that relate to you. which explains why by the time you're 80, you can curse and not care!

to ageing and all its perks!
jess