tEach mE wHaT tO sAy tHiS nEw yEaRs eVe..

dear jess,

Come this new year, should i say "happy new years"? much more should i say "blessed new year"?? what should i say? do tell me because i do not know. I sit here and watch my tv of graves and graves of unamed bodies in them. Families wailing of what seems like an after math of a war. Bodies flung unknown, unrecognized, unclaimed. Families walking through bodies after bodies, with the unimaginable task of identifying their loved ones!

And yet, i remain unmoved, unscared? Tens of thousands of families will be crying tonight and on the eve of new year, tens upon thousands will face poverty and hunger, tens upon thousands will scoff at the new year they will not even notice has come, tens upon thousands still looking for their loved dead. And i, one person, can sit here wondering what is to be wished come new years eve?

Make a pledge, move from the clasping of tv remotes to the clasping of prayerful and giving hands?

In human intercourse, the tragedy begins not when there is a misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood.
Henry David Thoreau

by His grace,
jess

tHe DaY mY "bEsT" fRiEnd gOt mArRiEd

dear jess,

chun liang got married! on Christmas day. it's stil surreil. haha... It was so sweet tho.. a garden wedding in cyberjaya, with "waterfall" in the background! its just a surreil experience because, usually, weddings attended are people your family knows, or your relatives, but not really a good fren. i think the best part was hearing chun liang saying his vows.. its was SO sweet. im not a sucker for romance and i pity the man who would want to marry me someday, but chunliang's wedding actually gave me the feel that weddings can be nice and relaxed, without the fear of 'committing your life away' to someone else.. no turning back. Did his wedding make me reconsider my pre conceived ideas and negativity about a married life? haha... we'll see.. ill ask him what its like after a few years.

It did however make me consider and think deeply about the possibility of a continued 'best-friendness' with a guy. You know me jess, forever thinking that its possible to walk againts the tidal waves, but perhaps ive come to my realisations. Its possible if you were married, to have a guy fren as your best fren, to go out for beers or teh tariks and tell your wife so, but with a woman? Its possible to call a guy your best fren but a gal while you're married is being unfair to your wife.. because really she should be your best friend?

Dont get me wrong, im in no way complaining about my friends.. (yet :)), its just stuff you wonder when you watch your friend take that plunge.

Well, perhaps it is true that there are only certain regions i can go, and perhaps someday i'll 'marry off' all my male frens and then i'll be left to wonder once again, the boundaries of opposite gender friendships and ill probably ask myself why i didnt make good friends with more girls..

Until that day comes however, i think i'll mjust make do with my imaginary friend, Larry...

your female friend,
jess

aAaWWWW so SweEt..

psss, look out for the proud father...

eLaiNe, PiWo, LeE ReNg, WeI cHuN's ParEnts

i jUsT LovEd tHe cHairS!

sAyiNg i dO iN froNt Of a WaTerFaLL

i fEaR cHriStMaS jUst aS mUcH aS i FeAr FeAr????

dear jess,

A really weird thing happened today at music & arts ministry christmas' last rehearsal. After the first run i was about to 'scold' the team.. haha... and to my amazement, shock and worse of all HORROR i felt like crying. my voice started to crack, and i couldnt talk! i couldnt control my emotions, as i expressed deep sorrow and dissapointment in the choir's lack of focus. What was happening?? and in public? was i about to express tears in front of everyone and pleaseee what will people think?

Well, thats that, and i still dont know what people think, altho i didnt break down in tears. But honestly, what is wrong with expressing our emotions in public. I mean what is wrong with people who go aroung thinking that the only right emotion, is.. really NONE. Too much happiness means you're insane, too much tears means, your life is going wrong, too much anger means its wrong for you to react that way.. and by too much, i mean showing any emotion at all.

Sigh, now that im done babling.. im not looking forward to Christmas, simply because i fear it. The first Christmas without mama and aunty Marie. I fear how its gonna be, I fear not knowing how everyone willl react. This is one Christmas, none of us are looking forward to. And you know whoever said time heals all wounds?? i think he was a liar.. Probably the same person who endorsed a non - emotional society..

your sadly, happily, and angrily,
jess

me trying to look busy... 

josh and me striking our pose.. sighh dont hate us cos we are BEA-UTI-FUL 

iTs oFfIciAL... i LovE mUd 

tHe tEaChErS 

fRoM cHiLLiNg cOLd tO bUrNinG hOT

deear jess,

HI!!!! im back from Cameron Highlands, from an unbelieavbly beautiful time! The most tiring too! as im growing old.. wow i can feel it man! the youths are sleeping in late and getting up early and i just cant keep up.. and saying this whilst im still in my 20's!

since so much ahs happened in a mere 5 days, ill just give you the highlights.. First one, STRAWBERRY ICE LOLLIES!!! gosh! you cant leave cameron's without having one. Aunty Grace's at Chefoo is great! freshed boiled strawberry's which she packs into thos silinder looking plastics.. rmbr when we were kids we had those ice creams (or rather frozen ice)?/ well this ones like that except ten times better.. i had one after every lunch and dinner every day!! ahhh and i bought back 15 more.. haha! yes, no one better touch my freezer and try to steal 'em..

Second highlight.. i was goalie!! hahaha in the mud!! and the onlygirl 'stupifd' enough to be on the football field.. haha! WELL, i saved one and a 'half' of the 4 balls so.. im proud, plus the 'oldies' team still won and i managed to get a 'facial' wit all that mud :)

Third highlight we had a superb group.. with our beautiful leader, joshua lee at the steering,
w e named ourselves THE UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.. we have a song and a 'slogan',.... and if you were the camper, and the only other group names that you rememeber in 2 weeks besides your's is ours.. then you knowthat its because we are unbelievably beautifull... roll your eyes all you want.. hmpph! 'whatever!'

fourth, we made joshua walk barefooted into the 'dirty' guys toilet during truth or dare.. now tell me wouldnt you kill to have watched that?

Fifth, ive saved the best for last... God has touched may hearts and lives, through our DYNAMIC and cute speaker, steven low. i personally feel refreshed after hearing his messages, and spending time in the highlands. i managed to glimpse the before 7 view and just hear the trees being blown in the breeze.. do you know it actually sounds like water in the brook? of course, i missed the SHOOTING STARS... like SOME people.. but sighhhh what to do!!

SIGGHHHh so much more!! every moment was great! thanks to everyone for being such great fun and organising!

dont forget- remember jesus

yours back in the hot weather, yet grateful for it,
jess

tHe uNbeLievAbLy beAutIfuL peOpLe hArD aT WorK 

tHe yUmmY iCe LoLLieS and Of cOurSe the YUMMMMMY foOd!! 

aYaM fRoM RASSS-Hia!!!

sCeNe OnE - TaKe OnE ACTIONNNNN!!!

dear jess,
you must forgive us for being so mean over lunch yesterday. leon's fren val was gonna join us and she hadnt met sean yet.. so guess what we decided to do?? we decided that sean would be VLADIMIR from Russia!... so there it was, scene one take one...

Enter Valerie

leon: Hi! this is my friend Vladimir, from Russia
Sean: Ah HALLO!

jess: so how did you guys meet?

Sean: VE are Urm 'Ze Zpen Pal?
val: Wow you actually have pen pals who visit you?
Leon: yeah! he surprised me!
Sean: YA! ya! i just Come to his houze! i bring ze VodkA!
Val: what do you do in russia?

Jess: you work or study?
Sean:i Workz i works in ze factory.
Jess: vodka factory?
Sean: No no. if i workz there, i wontz be working.. HAHAHA
Leon: Hows your girlfren in Russia?
Sean: AHHH chrstine?? zhe is okay
leon: you gonna marry her?
Sean: i not sure.. If i Marry Her.. her fathzer mightz shoot me!! hahaha

directors note: this goes on far beyond our expectations, as the 'actors' seemed to have been able to hold a straight face longer, the conversation goes from types of malaysian food 'vladimir' should try, to russian climate!!!!

at the end of dinner..

Leon: Shall we end this??
Val : YEs! (thinking in reference to lunch)
Leon: Val, urmm meet Sean. the funniest guy on earth!

Scene ends with everyone laughing, and val absolutely shock.

CUT!!! ThAtS a WrAP!!!!! now.. who shall we trick next???

yours mischieviously,
jess

i nEeD a CoFfEe bReAk bUt LiFe sEeMs tO hAf rAn OuT oF cOffEE?!!

dear jess,

as i sit here writting to you, my body feels like it wants to sleep, a rarity for a nocturnal person like me.. and i wish i had enough will power to go down and make myself a cup.

Mocha frappucino

Starbucks. late saturday night. Micheal Drieberg spends me! i have a HUGE cup of coffee and end up being wide awake the night before an early morning church day. BUT the worst part of all??? i decided to switch slippers before getting down from the car, and end up wearing a nice sandal on my left leg and a BATHROOM SLIPPER on my left!!!!!

Americano

Gosh i wished i had americano this time! URGHHH!!!! where do i start on this one? the dawn of greed and capitalism has nibbed me in the butt and it has a perfect way of making itself sound correct! Faced with the choice of taking up a 'chance' to make 50 thousand bucks a month, and the surreility of 'multi level marketing' i scoff at the idea that i have to invest money which i do not have, to gain money which i MAY not make, to keep money which will someday fade. Oh no, i need money, who doesnt? but its HORRID the way some people say 'why should i be wasting time when i can use this time to make more money' so let me get this right? you work 8 hours a day, to come home to go out again to make more money? And subsequently complain about having to pay off expensive debts? count me out, palahniuk would be gravely dissapointed with me. "You are not the contents of your a wallet"... (fight club)



Black Coffee? Make that 5 cups please....

sigh... it looks like they've run out of coffee. or at least it feels alot like it. Death has made its way to my mind again. Except this time, its different. Joops mum passed away Monday morning. She passed away of cancer. I remember the last time i met her was in uni days, and i wished i got to visit her again, but as it turns out that was not to be. I'll remember her as the jovial, fun, outgoing person.. trust me, she was a one of a kind mum. as a person, her daughter testifies, that even in hospital, suffering in pain, she asked to buy a gift for another cancer patient opposite her bed. Amazing huh? to be able to show love when you are suffering. It reminds me of Jesus.

think ill go make myself that cuppa now.. what shall i have?

kOpI 'O'

love,
coffee addict-jess

dO wE wAnT aTtEnTioN oR ArE wE JuSt cRaZy???

dear jess,

i heard about this blog site of yours but until today i hadnt seen it. Forgive my bluntness, but ARE YOU CRAZY?? what on earth were you thinking displaying your whole life on a web page that any tom dick and harry, serial killers and mad men can pry into the nitty grittiness of your life..??

Plus, do you wonder who bothers to read stories from your life? SeriouslY!! and pictures?? GASPPP!! what were you thinking? i know, i know im old and stuck in ancient times, but ive been looking at other peoples blogs, and really, its like they're whole lives are displayed at the click of one finger! wanna see this guys birthday, sure look its right here, oh wait , wanna see his wife.. aha! there, right there! i mean, what ever happen to private lives??

Well, therefore, jess, old friend, ive come to the conclusion that people, yes that does include you are either craving for attention, and actually do want people to look into their lives or they're just plain crazy. Oh sure hate me for my views, but you know theres always a little truth in jess..

You for example, spill your emotional gutts for the whole world to see, its almost like a diary for the whole world!! okay, okay i'll stop my whining, i mean i just cant understand it.

Oh well, enough of your life, ive got to go find my own 15 minutes of fame somewhere else. ive decided not to use a blog because it doesnt scream enough more attention. someone like e always wants more.. :) ta!

luv,
jess

LiFe ShOt mOmEntS..

... sUpErStAr..!!

a liTtLe bIt Of Ice CrEam In The MiDsT oF AsPriN

dear jess,

why did you lie? time heals all wounds? if anything, time seems to have made things worse.

Last night i couldnt stop thinking of her. oh God i miss her so much. It was her birthday five days ago, and aunty's birthday three days ago. I just keep waiting and waiting like it was a big joke someone had played and out of no where they'd appear again, and things would go back to normal. We would just laugh at the thought that anyone could die, and even more so, not one of us, but two of us. Then as Christmas draws near, we can gather around making pineapple tarts like we did last year. Mama on my left cutting that ubi thingy and mummy on my right frying them. Stop it. im not supppose to cry. i havent cried, its been two months, why should i cry?

Its hard to imagine what our lives were meant to be sometimes. Sometimes i close my eyes, and i have this out of body expereince. I feel like i do when in an airplane, as i look down and all i see are the seas and the houses and somewhere beyond that is me, somewhere beyond that is you, somewhere in the midst of life when things happen in my life.

Do you know what the scariest part is? when i watch the tv till 5 in the morning and i hear a sound, my whole body goes into "action mode" and i think that theres an emergancy to attend to, something has happened, my body tells me that i need to call the ambulance, my mind goes crazy and say hey maybe something is wrong, and my heart skips a thousand beats faster. Its almost like the situation never ended.

And so life goes on. I try to keep myself busy, but really its just pushing aside the memories and pain. Its so difficult to express and explain this feeling, one id never wish upon anyone.

Dont misunderstand me, there's been lots of sugary events in life. Monday for example i found myself standing in front of a camera doing a casting. let me tell you i hate standing in front of camera's, but i love being stupid. so i do a whole series of stupidity to kononnya get into an ad.. urgghhh, which for some reason, in my profound idiocy i know i wont get. nevermind that, i brought my charming 4 year old Ian to do it as well, which was quite amusing, since this 'bijujake' in portugese simply put 'cant keep quiet' was making noise from begining of the trip to the end decides to go NUMB on me in front of the camera!!! Sighhhh so i had no choice but to bribe the 4 year old ice cream for performing in front of the camera..... The ice cream eventually ends up on the floor.. not surprising of course.

i'm sorry jess, i dont mean to call you a liar. i know life has its ups and downs, and if you were expecting to read only fun stuff you definitely wont be getting that with me. yeah you know me, manic depressive and all :)

thats it for now dear.. hey one of these days when im having another one of those areal views imagination, i wont forget to catch you a bit of those puffiness in the clouds that you love so much ;)

ps,
my cousins and i have named ourselves after cartoon characters that best resemble us, what should yours be??

love. always.
jess

LiFe ShOt mOmEntS..

wAsNt HaLLoWeEn SuPPosE tO bE PeOpLe wHo LoOkeD ScArY??

tHe AnTiCiPatIon Vs. ThE ReAL tHiNg

Dear jess,

ive been hooked on 'super text twist' lately.. its a great psychotic word game!! you should really try it.. go search it up.. trust me, you'd be hooked too...

Saturday was my first attempt to indulge in a 'dress party' YAY!! well, it was halloween and my cousins and i wanted to get dressed, and perhaps even win the best costume.. No, we do not subscribe to demons and ghost, and well truth be known there were more people dressed as angels that night! anyways i think people (LIKE US) just wanna go crazy and wear costumes every once in a while.

Was a good break from the stresses of grief that we've been hurdling, and we let ourselves go crazy with the buying but MOstly with the giggly excitement. the three beautiful and beautiful witches we decided to be. No way were we gonna be wrinkly old witches with grey hair and huge pimples.. Yes, yes we're vain but who can blame us? it paid off too you know.. only the three witches got offered drinks on the house for getting all dressed :)

We bought our witchy hats, and fingernails.. and sprayed painted it black.. black lipstick, black eyeshadow... The most hilarious part was once our fake long nails were on, we couldnt do a single thing by ourselves! My attempt to put on a necklace had us laughing to bits as it slipped off and we couldnt open our handbags to use the h/phone, or even open the car door.. needless to say there were more hilariouty in the whole thing.

So off went the powerless and worse still clueless witches, with pokie hats and gothic make up that managed to scare ourselves in the mirror.. (so much for beautiful).

So proudly we arrived at our destination espanda only to find out our party of three witches, two pirates, one hair banded horned gal, a Jason from jason vs Freddy, and well.. a Casper- sort of... were the only ones dressed.. Sigh how stupid we felt, so we left for velvet, zouk which whilst had tons more people dressed played non stop- ear piercing- heart aching techno.. URGHHH well its not like anyone can dance with a withces hat on.. but still!! URGGHH.

So there it was... and oh did i mention actually it was a celebration for seans birthday.. hmmm or maybe it was just us wanting to wear costumes.. anyhow.. the anticipation was so much more fun than the event in itself.. SIGH!!

ps. i think next year, ill just get dressed and stay home.. :)

love,
jess

dEaTh is SuCh A bIG wORd

dear jess,

i know that this time is hard for you as it is for me. I understand that in the face of death and grief, it feels that friends have abandoned you and whilst everything in your life has come to a sudden stall, everyone else's still moves on, urging you to jump on the spinning carousel and asking you to smile and get over it quickly.

i know that you've seen the best and the not so great in people at this time too, and that you must remember friends who are gold glow best in the furnace, and gold is but few.

i know, my dear, i know that mama and aunty marie's passing haunts you, your beloved family, cousins, uncle charlie and i know that you question and far from see any reason that they should have died within only 24 days of each other, no apparent sign, sickness or problems.

i know it hurts to look into the burial ground in taiping, made originally for one person but used to bury two, two significant people in our lives. The winds blew and it felt like the heavens were crying, the tent shook over the burial grounds, and as cement was put over the plot, the rain increased, subsided only after we all took shelter.

i know it haunts that you were there at mama's last moments, and that you can still hear the screams of your cousins at your aunty's passing, you can still see the sadness drawn on your uncle's face till today, and for the first time prayed and wished upon a resurrection that could happen today.

but i also know that there wont be mama, my mama anymore the chirpy joyful almost jumping grandmother who would joke, laugh, even climb the neighbours fence with her sarong, in her slightly younger days. Her portugese lessons which contained much 'colourful' languages, her feeding us in huge plates with her hands one after another, her walking to the shops, her buying numbers, her smile, her laughter... Your oldest portuegese heritage, everyime you pass her room you will think of her.

i know that everytime you look at your uncle's face, you will see your aunty, the sorrow so deep written already all over his face. The bubbly person who never once was seen sad, has long been sorrowful.

i know that theres so much more you wish to say, to tell, to shout out from the rooftops, and yet so much more that you wish not to.

within the so much that i know, there a hundred more times of things that i dont.

I know you wish not my sympathy jess, nor understanding, but just for me to be here.

love always,
jess

LiFe ShOt mOmEntS..

dReSsInG rOoM, GeTtiNg rEaDy fOr mOrE mAdnEsSsS eSpEciaLly iF bErNiE dRaNk cOfFeE!

LiFe ShOt mOmEntS..

oTaK tAk CeNtEr dAyS....