There is something calming about swimming. Or even not swimming. When you put your body underwater, its almost as if time has stopped. the water streams over, the gush of silence, the sudden slow motion and nothingness is overwhelming. Sometimes I think that dying should almost be that way.
Dear jess,
Remind me that I love this. Remind me that that 3 out of 3 plans in the last two weeks have failed so far. Remind me.
Every time I walk into a class to teach I feel sluggish, almost as if my self worth was dependent on a bunch of 13 year olds, how they reacted towards me, if they listened or if they ended up chit chatting about a plasma tv right in front of me.
The first time in my life I make plans for the future, they all come crashing into failure. Unfazed I stride on bravely thinking God must have a plan.
So I do this. Over and over. There it lacks the satisfaction I use to get from teaching, the wonders from students suddenly becoming dramatic, the beauty of performance.
Sometimes we let too many a good thing go, thinking that there was something better ahead for us. And that is the risk we take.
And sometimes we forget. We forget how much we love doing what we do, or we are headed towards the love of our life. Sometimes calculating the credit card debts and the mounting work, the feelings and the rewards get in the way of me.
Tomorrow, I hope to jump into that water and let it gush over me, letting me forget for the few seconds that I can hold my breath that swimming should be as enjoyable as it is tiring. But I know better to expect too much from my plans.
Dear jess,
Remind me that I love this. Remind me that that 3 out of 3 plans in the last two weeks have failed so far. Remind me.
Every time I walk into a class to teach I feel sluggish, almost as if my self worth was dependent on a bunch of 13 year olds, how they reacted towards me, if they listened or if they ended up chit chatting about a plasma tv right in front of me.
The first time in my life I make plans for the future, they all come crashing into failure. Unfazed I stride on bravely thinking God must have a plan.
So I do this. Over and over. There it lacks the satisfaction I use to get from teaching, the wonders from students suddenly becoming dramatic, the beauty of performance.
Sometimes we let too many a good thing go, thinking that there was something better ahead for us. And that is the risk we take.
And sometimes we forget. We forget how much we love doing what we do, or we are headed towards the love of our life. Sometimes calculating the credit card debts and the mounting work, the feelings and the rewards get in the way of me.
Tomorrow, I hope to jump into that water and let it gush over me, letting me forget for the few seconds that I can hold my breath that swimming should be as enjoyable as it is tiring. But I know better to expect too much from my plans.
yours wet,
jess
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