do my things own me or do i own my things?

dear jess,

i was asleep on my bed and the phone rang. it was a saturday. usually on a saturday when my phone rings i choose to be selfish and not pick it up. simply because it means that some irresponsible teacher didn't make it to teach her sat class and im being called to see if i "can" go in. i have never gone in. i let the phone ring. then, conscience nudges me. i feel bad for my friend, who owns the business and i tell her i'll teach.

so up i go, and out of the house to which my mums car is parked outside. she lets me use it but asks me to put petrol in it. she tells me to wait whilst she goes to get her diners card. i wait. i see a bike on the road headed towards me. i felt the instict nudge me, i react. my brain says lock the door. i press the window instead- this wasn't my car, and in my immediate reaction, i press where the lock would be on the other car that we own that isn't mine. i look at the rear mirror, i see the second guy on the bike get off and come near me. i see my mum on the side of my eye coming out of the house, unaware. he opens the door. my hand reaches for the bag that is mine, my phone falls out giving me peace that he wont grab that no matter what. i see his hands, inches away from me and i hear my mum shout "BABI, BABI"!! the bag is in my hand and he rushes off, without anything.

here's the thing. this is the second time it has happened to me. in broad day light, outside my house and the last time too i wasnt in my car, but the door was locked and i had noticed them before they had made their "move." that was MORE than a year ago and ever since everytime i hear the sound of a kapchai my legs become soft. so just as i was getting "over" it, now its happening all over again.

do you know what went through my mind when i knew i was about to get robbed? "my iPhone, my iPhone!!!." it was two weeks old. it was a gift. and i have never had a phone as advanced as this and i remember thinking to myself when i got it, dammit, now i have to take care of it really well. i would've been fine with loosing the rest of my phones before this, in fact not till last year did i have a phone that played music!

the other thing that went through my mind was my coach wallet!

that's about all the things i own that really costs something, apart from my laptop and my camera.

i hate it. i mean i really like the things i have, but i liked it when life was simpler. just bring my IC, money and use the public phone. well, no i hated the public phone.

you know, everytime i go in my car i lock the doors immediately, plus it helps that the passenger seat on my left is spoiled. im aware, im paranoid and im always checking the rear when i see the motorbikes. i saw these idiots and i knew what was going to happen next, but none of this would've been what it would've been if God was not with me, watching me, and practically giving me peace. it felt like it was a slow motion, i was so calm, i was clear and i had no fear. i wish that God would punish these type of people, but all i really wanna say is that My God is an AWESOME God, and He is very real. :)

yours uploading this with an iPhone. (haha kidding)

jess

wish list

i wish right at this moment im away on an island watching the sunset with music playing in the background, and the invention of facebook hasn't touch the island. :)

i wish right at this moment i had no list of expectations of other people.

i wish right at this moment that all the wrongs in the world had been made right..

i wish that people didn't update their facebook status everyday.

i wish that men (and women) stop referring to things as "she" and make lame excuses that its because they love the object. bring us back forty years why don't you.

i wish my thumb will start functioning again.

i wish that my grandmother was alive.

maybe all i really wish is for heaven on earth.

i wish i cared :)or maybe cared less. i wish i knew.

i wish that it didn't have to be me every easter and christmas. isn't that the truth.

i wish there was a point to this all.

now you wish you hadn't started reading my pointless list. :)

taLk is CheAp

dear diary,

how do i write this letter to you? i know i've heard the saying that i shouldn't wash my dirty laundry in public. of course, perhaps this isn't my dirty laundry directly. but this really breaks my heart.

you know, when i was teaching this drama class, my kids were made to write their own story. this young girl of 12 wrote a story about an old lady that she saw begging one day for money. she asked her mum why the woman had to beg for money at such an old age, and her mum replied, its because her children wouldn't take care of her. that's such a random answer don't you think? one of those that you tell your kids so that you make sure that they take care of you when you're old?

and you would think that these things just don't happen to your family or friends, people whom you KNOW have "integrity." and then strange things happen, children who argue with their parents, stop supporting them, stop speaking to them..

i know a man. a man who has had to endure just this. he has lost weight, he looks like he wants to cry when he speaks and he is filled with grieve and sadness that you can see when you look into his eyes. i look away, because if i stare into it, i know i too will cry.

i know this man, and he is gentle, loving and forgiving.

i know this man, and he does not deserve to be treated this way.

at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who the heck is right and who the heck is wrong. and when you are a family the longer you take to forgive, the longer everyone suffers.

this is why i am sure, that the greatest weapon the devil has is pride. he lets us to believe the lies that we are good and forgiving is a privillege.

who are we? who have we become? do we give our money to people who deserve it? NGOs? do we make the effort to make sure our parents, relatives, are not in need? who have we become that we can allow our fathers and forefathers to be in a moments need of basic necessities??

it makes me so mad and so sad at the same time. with every ounce of energy in me i hope i can make this right.

The twelve year old ends hear story by saying to her mum "mummy, don't worry you will never have to beg for money because i will take care of you."

yours,

jess

lain-lain

dear me..

I was flying back from Cambodia, when this Portuguese man behind me started to chat up a Singaporean. He was telling the lady of the Portuguese in Melaka, what they spoke etc etc. In some aspects he knew more than the Singaporean whose only claim to fame was “yeah, I have a Eurasion classmate.”

When I was growing up, people didn’t understand what I was, so they rudely called me in Cantonese “cap chong” or however one would romanize Cantonese. Today, one of my friends have said this to me before – in response to my excitement for what we Eurasions have for Christmas. “oh having your curry debel is it?” You know with sarcasm included. Then, there’s those who insist that I don’t speak “enough” kristang.


Being me can be oh so tiring (feign faint)

But seriously. I’ve had this “privilege” in the last few years of knowing more Portuguese people outside the realm of my family members. “they” have their own culture and even similar speaking intonations. Its very curios.

They on the other hand criticize other Portuguese people who have gone to the city, in a way not speaking the language or knowing their roots.

Race can be such a bore in this country. You’re too much this, you’re too little this. My dad’s forefathers came from Thailand. So apparently I might be part Thai.

Now. If you’re a mix of everything and anything and don’t look like a supermodel or a hot deejay all you’re gonna get is a bunch of idiots living in a multicultural nation who don’t understand you or even try too. They try to understand what the big deal is but they don’t care.

In fact, you don’t realise what any big deal of anything is until someone dissess you, or who you are. Chinese people go back to China, because they insist that’s what they are. If Portuguese, Dutch or British (why are there so few British mixed Malaysians? In fact I don’t know of any) that say they want to go back to their country to see their roots, or semi roots, trust me, Malaysians will just roll their eyes over.

Why is it that what I am doesn’t seem real?

I love being part Chinese and I love being part Portuguese. Even more, I love being both.

We kill our own culture. We mock others because we think that they aren’t “chinese” or “eurasion” enough because they don’t do or know some things. It’s like that myth of the snake eating its own tail.

We kill things we don’t understand. At the end of the flight, the man got to talking to me, and said I did look like his kinsmen because of my skin colour. Funny you should say, because most people think that “Portuguese” means white skin, sharp nose.

I find myself defending my one side more than the other. My friend wrote a play and we were called “lain-lain.” Remember those crap boxes with only three major races to tick? I was “lucky” cos I got to put Chinese. He felt like he had no identity, he was just “others.”

We’ve got such a horribly long way for a country with so many types of people.

That is all.

Ps.
Why do most if not all Chinese girls put peace signs when they take photos? Do they seriously think that is cute? And some Chinese guys too!!!

yours,
jess

maybe i ShouLd reNaME my bLoG to "rAndOmnEsS"..

dear jess,

we all have a mental, emotional, semi concious depiction of how our life would or should be. even if we think that we think that :) we are just "going with the flow." we would like the expression of having a "white picket fence" life. some people imagine even how many kids they should have! some aim to live overseas and some feel destined to certain jobs.some have even NAMED their "kids."

of course for some reason, i would love having to be explained to the "fact" that women dream of their wedding day. do they? do they REALLY??? cause i dont, and i dont actually know of anyone who does! what is there to dream of really?

now, as skeptical as iam, which clearly i am, there's no harm in dreaming or hoping. but is it not kinda strange when you think about it. how you plan all these things. for example, marriage and naming kids, that kinda involves someone else, who has equal "white picket fence" dreaming..

all these imagined dreaming can give false expectations. still, i digress. of course, i dont think i actually have a point. maybe a few then again.

its 4am and im hungry.

yours,
jess

so wHo ReaLLy did WiN iDoL?

even on idol, voting sounds so much like politics. if it is true, despite thinking yeah lambert really deserves it, i'd hate to be in kris's shoes. you suck AT&T if this is true. good grief!

Adam Lambert and Kris Allen arrive at the American Idol Season 8 Grand Finale held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on May 20, 2009 in Los Angeles, CA. Jason Merritt/Getty ImagesUs Magazine The New York Times is reporting that American Idol's Kris Allen may have had a little help from AT&T, one of the Fox show's biggest corporate sponsors, in winning this year.According to the Times, AT&T provided phones for free text-messaging services at two Allen parties in Arkansas on the night of the finals. Citing sources, The Times reports that AT&T reps showed party-goers how to "power text" -- cast 10 votes at the touch of a button -- which violates show rules.Power texts, according to the Times, "have an exponentially greater effect on voting than do single text messages or calls to the shows toll-free phone lines." No similar efforts appear to have been made to provide free texting services to Adam Lambert fans.Angry Lambert supporters are now claiming in online chat boards that the competition's voting was rigged.While Fox has yet to comment, AT&T issued the following statement: "In Arkansas, we were invited to attend the local watch parties organized by the community. A few local employees brought a small number of demo phones with them and provided texting tutorials to those who were interested."The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette first reported on the possible skewed voting last week.

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/at-t-may-have-swayed-idol-outcome-to-favor-kris-allen/23028?nc

yOu knOW i HAve NO LiFE whEN i BloG aBouT iDOL!

dear jess,

I have to state my case. I know I try to stay out of any idol discussions but I need to have a say. I think idol never picks any of the people that I like. It’s a cosmic conspiracy. But I have to say that I had like adam ever since he did his first audition. To be fair, it was the theatre background he had that I felt inclined too. I remember the next day when I sat down with the performing arts teachers, the music teacher who mind you performs at the local theatre music scene, tells me that he was singing a whole something something hingher. Sorry don’t really get music talk- semitone? Nope must be more than that. Whatever. And that was to bohemian rhapsody I think.

Anyways inclined to know that I will be disappointed, convinced that the world picks whatever I didn’t like I tried to keep an open mind. And I did like the “winner” for one thing- the way he rewrote heartless. That was more than amazing.

NOW… lets get to my argument, if you listen carefully and this is a singing competition, when you hear adam, “the winner” and what’s his face that guy who got third? U can hear how amazing the voices of these two guys were, “the winner” sometimes even went out of tune.

So, why I am least bit not surprised is because all you have to do is not listen- but look. “the winner” is a typical blue-eyed boy that idol will always pick. You may argue and say cook won last year, but seriously, he isn’t really a rocker. And that is idol for you, screaming 13 year olds, who adore typical blue eyed boys on the verge of boyband-ness.

Back to the present- Lambert is being considered to be the front man of Queen. QUEEN!! And in past history, winners haven’t always made it big, taylor hicks for example made 300k last yr, only! In comparison to Hudson, who didn’t win- made millions.

I think tho, that even Lambert shouldn’t front QUEEN. I even think that wouldn’t give him freedom to do things that he will be more than capable of. I guess, sometimes in my hearts of hearts there is always a glimmer of hope that the norm doesn’t always happen.

Oh well, I guess I’m betting that Lambert will no doubt be way bigger and last longer than the “winner.”

In conclusion to my “argument” I admit that my reasons for why winners win on idol could be wrong after all Archelleta, however you spell his name’s eyes were blue enough.. Like I said, its always the person I didn’t cheer on.

yours coming in second,

jess

aRe u A fAceBooK whOrE??

dear jess,

i have deactivated facebook.

*blink*

it was a series of events, our split. just like other relationships, its never just that one thing. apart from the fact that i predict something new will soon be taking over fb, twitter perhaps, i must say this relationship i had with fb was really starting to annoy me.

i dont know if technology has really made our lives any better, and since the start of our three two(?) year relationship the tension had been building . For example, i have friends that "know" me but have NEVER said a word to me ever! and when i added them, the relationship remained silent. so i deleted them.. they then try adding me again.

then there were people i found that, consciously or not, use fb to satisfy their all annoying need to get attention.

ABC is tired and needs a break and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..

2seconds later..

ABC has made coffee with two packs of sugar and blah blah blah

3 seconds later...

yeah you get my drift. and some of it is just written with flashing red lights and desperation for someone to comment on their status! my friend calls these guys, facebook whores. how appropriate.

then, there was my huge discomfort that my personal life was being invaded thru pictures i post, by people i forgot are in my fb. i know i can only let some people see certain things, but its sometimes more complicated than that.

anyways, what might've taken the cake was when someone told me how much they missed me, on my wall. someone who lives minutes away from me, or is a phone call away.

i think that fb has given us the perfect excuse for passive friendships, lazy wishes, and an ever absorbing hypnotizing need to "look" at other peoples lives, see who they're dating and what they've been up to. i can understand the attraction as well as its practicality for people who live far apart.

still, i dunno why i didnt log off sooner, and at the same time i can't promise that i wont have a relaps and want to go back to it !

happy facebooking
jess

wHEN thErE's A gReat eXcuSe to ShOP

hey

so, while i was in cambodia, siem reap i came across 'bloom'. the boisterous singaporean explained that the bags are made from this fish paper, err rice paper? anyways they're made into bags and done so simply to give jobs to single mums in the country. the thing is tho, im soooooo impressed with the simple idea and the bags are so unique! i promise you you wont see anyone using it in this country. altho i have a sneaking suspicion we might see it in our country in a year or so, with the proceeds going to no charitable cause.

kinda wished i bought more! ..

this is an original bloom creation.. ahhh soooo cute :)

my "comic" wallet.makes me feel like a kid. the proceeds for this one goes to "friends" in support of educating street kids.

this one wasn't from bloom and the little sign did say it was made by handicap people. i'm not sure , cause there's been alot of imitation from the designs at bloom. i got it cos it was nice. sigh sue me :)

anyways check out the site, it's got a cool range.

http://www.bloomcambodia.com/

jess

festa intrudu 2009

festa intrudu or water festival 2009 is a week before lent (the month before easter) and is basically THE day when you can throw water at anyone who dares to walk into portuguese settlement :) of course i was all excited to go and two days before it was the day i get the flu! that didnt stop me :) the water throwing excitement was great. we got ICE and threw it in our stash. it was soooo cold, with the throwing going from 9.30 to 12.00 and random people throwing water at you, some with horrible fierceness! my eye took a beating from some ganas splash.

if you throw water at someone older, you offer them a drink of wine, a small cup from your bottle. part of the festivities also includes a fancy dress football :) HAHA imagine guys running around with their dresses. the men were all tooooo please to flash their pink LACEY g-strings at us!!! i think im gonna go blind, and for ur sake ive "watered" down the pics :)

its fun, its not as "known" as san pedro's festival and much less people come but i think it might be more entertaining and fun. in addition, the significance of the festa is the washing away of our sins. And yes people, only Jesus does that for us, guilt free :) AMEN :)

ps. the "romantic" blurry feel to the picture is because the camera was in a clear albeit wet plastic bag :)

honey, honey

dear jess,

what shall we talk about today? hmm. should i give you the "low down" on my life? today i realised that my student i've thought for for two years is now taller than me. *blink* should i tell you what ive been up to? i tried to play tennis today but the gates were locked and almost crawled under the tennis court wires. *blink*

i guess small talk is not really suited to us.

i did have plenty things i wanted to say though now it seems just unnecesary. i think though, that when i dont write to you its a sign that i'm neither angry nor ambitious, vicous nor depressed.

i hear that artists especially musicians are emotion junkies and they need the lows to get into the song writing mood.. maybe im a mood junkie too.

in the meanwhile.

XOXO :)

happy new year then.

dear jess,

some people live too much in the past. (tired of reading post from ur uni days in london..)

some people live too much in the future. (tired of hearing you ask me when im getting married like thats the ultimate goal in life)

few live in the present.

and more people don't really live at all

yours,
jess

don't rock the boat

happy new year jess.

i guess if you are as uninspired as me you'll know that im not all jumping with joy into the new year. in fact im not jumping anywhere. my friend just informed me that she wont be working at our preppy school anymore cos she's going to do the working visa thing in NZ. *wooopee*

i remember now that as she tells me this about the times where i dont go to the theatre to watch a friends play, i dont want to know where you've been or wat you've seen or your great and wondrous adventures for a year that you deem will be "scary" because you had to leave it all behind.

yes people.. that is what we call bitterness and jealousy. had i not taken so long to study or had i not been attached who knows what i'd be doing now. sure, the prospect is always possible and you say that those are just excuses. perhaps and most likely so.

however, if no one told me that my friend who knows nothing about the eurasion language or culture had staged the play on what my little knowledge is far more than his, or that instead of studying the last five years i could be her saving up to go somewhere else, i would probably be happy sitting on my ass watching series after series on my laptop.

competition hugely inspires me. being the one doing these things inspires me.. but then again, these are my dreams too. or at least they once were and seeing other people have them angers me. so, sometimes i'd rather not know and i dont really want to care, because im not horribly unhappy but when they rock the boat, it makes me think that something in my life is amiss..

once again, welcome to the new year,

jess