DoN’t caLL mE hOnEy..

dear jess,

Its almost impossible to write on an inspiration. Its even more impossible, if that were possible, to write on too much material. And that is where I am at. Its rush hour, Jakarta, in my brains.

The last few days have been a mixture of happiness, anger, joy discontentment, introspection, contentment and way too may thought provoking idleness.

This time next week, I will be sending in my law suit to Webster dictionary. The letter goes something like this.

Dear Madam / Sir,

I’m suing you for the term ‘men’ seemingly to exist in your dictionary. I’ve seen and have had to tour seven aussie men in the last few days and I am convinced because of them and looking back in memory, that the term men, does not and should not exist. It should be changed from hereon to boys.

You see, dear madam/sir, that boys never really do grow up. Not only do they still buy comics and toys, but if you ever witnessed the way these creatures behave in groups, they are far to say the least amusing. They play, push, walk off when not kept an eye on, wrestle and tease each other in public. They splash in the pool one after another despite the forbidden sign to dive and create waves in the Jacuzzi that everyone else is trying to relax in. and need I even say anything to explain the group who name themselves ‘jackasses’?

Don’t get me wrong, after witnessing this I wished I was a boy too, they seem to have more fun, contrary to what Madonna says. In fact they seem to be so unconscious around the millions of people staring as they go by that I wish I didn’t have to be a woman who had to always concern herself about being ladylike, pretty and capable all at the same time. *bleah*


Whilst I’m still a woman, unable to monkey around, I insist you at least consider changing the term men, as it is indeed non existent.

Thank you.

Sincerely.

Rush hour Jakarta. I just drove past a bad accident and at the same time saw a couple holding hands behind me. Maybe ill save that for another day, after all just because im stuck in a jam doesn’t men you have to be too.

sincerely.
jess

self claim exhibisionist..

one boy stripping another boy..

"boys" rushing to weigh and outweigh themselves!

snEeZinG sELfiShNEss

dear jess,

Lying in the dark, I see the shadow of my fan spinning. I can hear things that go thump in the night louder than ever. My heart rate increases and my tongue feels ever so bland from the flu and fever im recovering.

Im hungry but I feel like puking all at the same time. When you’re silent and when you’re sick and everything around you shuts down.. its then when you start to think. Its then when you start to remember those around you that have passed on.

I told my cousin today, life is too short to stay angry.

There is something about being a dreamer and an artist at the same time that will equate you to being selfish. And so true that is.

The irony is, everyone thinks they have it better. Those that study overseas will claim to the day of their death that studying overseas was the best thing they did, those that didn’t just thank God they didn’t spend so much of their parents money. Those that have dreams and adventures will always live for those and will always pride themselves in having a form of future that they look forward too. Those that marry and have stability, pride in just that. Those that even have nothing pride themselves in thinking they don’t want more.

We like to think that we’ve grown, that in someway making that decision was the best thing that happened or will happen to us. And we will always, always gage ourselves better than the classmate who left for US but ultimately came back, or the friend that has to work 24 hours a day or the one that has no job. The one that has no personality, the one that hasn’t changed, the one that remained unchallenged.

Empathy, humility. Almost non existent in today’s world. in fact almost non existent in people we actually know.. especially ourselves..

Excuse me while I go puke. Kidding. But still there’s always a good reason too.

All the people like us are We, and every one else is They.
Rudyard Kipling

always wishing im asleep, finding myself wide awake,
jess

pRouD tO bE inDiaN

it says "born as indian die as indian" way to go macha!! oops is that a racist term?
speaking of 'racist', Russell Peter's stand up comedian is the best thing ive seen! go download it ive seen it about ten times and it cracks me up EVERY time!! he's the god of standup comedy..

fAB4, bAby YeaH

came across memory lane, one day when he's an inspirational lecturer, she's a famous *whatever it is she really does* woman with guts and loads of heart, and he's the succesful salesman cum busineman cum everythin, im going to use this picture to bribe you guys. shucks i miss US so much. urgh must be all this depressing james blunt music.. *hugssss*

tHe daWn oF a NeW dAY?

dear jess,

We live in a society waiting to suck. The old lady with brown hair as shiny as her pride lives next to the house we intended to put a kindergarten in. Unfortunately, we needed her signature.

She, in her aunty like pee-jays smile’s at you and tell you with dripping level of cynicism that supercedes… me? “I wont sign anything. After all there is no one nice in the world.”

It felt like the world stopped. I could feel the chill run up my spine, im not kidding. The thespian has found her guru. And she reaches a level beyond my comprehension, confusing you with the friendliest smile, and intonation that neither reflects hate nor sarcasm but as bone chilling as when ning baizura hits the high notes.

Indeed. Someone would look into my semi innocent eyes and say that’s the world, which I choose to defy is the truth. The world isn’t made out of a bunch of crotchety people who think that everyone is out to get everything out of them. The world still has some nice-ness left in it, even if it’s harder and harder to see everyday.

Im surprised. Im surprised tat it still surprises me when someone is nasty, rude, or just plain out right.. (bites hand from using profanity) ..mean

Another chill down my spine. Do I miss-I-cant-stand-anyone-anywhere-anytime, expect more from the world? Where’s my skepticism and cynicism in an air tight jar ?

Someone told me that in a country I refuse to admit is better than mine, people are appreciated for the work they do in a way that amazes me. Employers ensure that you don’t feel exploited even if it’s a volunteer job!

Scoff at that ever happening here. Ah, so looks like the skepticism and cynicism is on the right hand side of the fridge where I left it.

Welcome to the real world? That’s just a term idiots use to justify their unacceptable, ignorant selfish behaviour.

What can I say? The world is definitely better off without a whole lot of people in it. But then we wouldn’t have people to grow crops, run businesses and make movies. Yes, then we wouldn’t have people to tell us what to do, what to eat and what to wear. Now perhaps that is the real world.

As ma’ hommies would say “where is da love?” ;)
jess

ChRiStmAs & nEW yEaRs piCs

christmas eve (top)- picture taken at 7am, slept at noon, after 26hours of being awake! walking in settlement like idiots at 2.30am, "coconut island" (its a padang!) at who knows what time, hanging out with 'serani mabuks' talking really loud when you're only inches away from them, chicken ball rice at 4.30 am, chatting on balcony till 8.30, swimming at 9am, breakfast at 9.30, continued swimming till 11.00, in bed by noon!

christmas morning (bottom) - after christmas eve supper, getting caught in a jam at the stroke of christmas! home after supper in anticipation to see the lighted houses in settlement, soon to be ruined by a eurasion whom all have a time lapse of 2 hours, when they say "for a while more" in that accent of theirs which they always do.. it means i'll be there in two hours, if you're lucky, or if theyre not too pisst.. eurasions, eurasions tsk tsk

sunrise, selat melaka.. opposite century mahkota appartments, and sunset at portuguese settlement.. *sweet*

fOoD gLorIouS fOOD!!!

welcome to a range of portuguese dishes- pickle, devil curry, 'sei bak,' and keluak curry (below). house hopping, christmas day and eating like no ones busines.. tsk tsk

cHriStmas in thE viLLaGE..

lead singer, jude's house; lighted trees everywhere and lighted reindeers and lighted everything at .. yes the settlement..

larGeR thAn liFe

christmas tree at the center of Portuguese Settlement, and a larger than life Santa in one of the many deecorated homes

nEw yEaR's

spending the new years at OLd sChoOL, and several new year day's with chunliang, like the oLd days

moRe jeSs-iSm's?

dear jess,

At some point of my insanity, approximately now, I can claim that I should be above and beyond the 19 century philosophers in the lights of Jean Paul Sartre and Kegaard.

Existentialism gives the notion that existence precedes essence, which means we exist, then we determine our life’s path, and decisions, even when we decide to not decide..

Now, this is where my attempts at philosophy start. In existentialism I’m suppose to be responsible for whatever result my choices are. In jessexistentialism, the choices I make within my control should have the outcome I want with the emotions that I am in control wit.

Therefore, I get to choose how I feel and be in control of my choices and results. See, existentialism can’t be right if control would mean that there are external factors that I cant predict but in jessexistentialism there is.

For example, choosing to steal the chocolate bar should mean that im aware i should be in control of not feeling guilty later because i know what i was doing and dating the wrong guy should mean i musnt regret it later or be affected and working in a dead end job should mean i musnt let myself feel like im being cheated or used or go into a self pity trip because i chose that path, and im choosing the outcome, which must lead me to not feel negative emotions..

For the simple minded I suppose I’m just a control freak. For the philosophical minded I suppose I’m just crazy. For those who subscribe to jessexistentialism, email me.

In your face Sartre,
jess

WhEn yOu pLaY wiTh fiRe, yOu gEt bUrnEd?

dear jess,

the beauty, the heat, the flicker and the very sense that a fire can grow into something wild and dangerous is the same reason we are attracted to it.

You know you might get burned but yet you can’t resist it. You think you can handle it. And that you will always win.

The problem with life is that everything can be set on fire. Everything comes with expectations. If I call and talk to you for over two hours id expect you to call me back, if I bought you a Christmas gift I’d expect one in return or at least a thank you. If I drove to see you, messaged you to see how you are, I’d expect you to put in the same effort into it if not more than I do.

The problem with reality is that my expectations always get the better of my sensibility. My need to control the situation, the person, the outcome makes me almost always get burned.

Sometimes I wish that I was the kind of person who could live alone.

Lately, I’ve been feeling more and more like an idiot. Looking back on relationships, in whatever form, I realized that I’ve wasted too much effort. And then I sit down in expectation… and instead I get burned.

Its time I started living for me. In Selfishishness. And don’t you dare tell me otherwise. I don’t need praise or appreciation, advice or concern. I just need to stop being an idiot. But I’m not sure what makes me think ill learn that.


There’s an idiot born every minute,
I keep getting reborn every 4 minutes or so..

jess

whAt'S nEw??

dear jess

A lot of things are overrated. Resolutions, self development, plans. Actually, a lot of things are just me-rated. We live in a world of selfish buggers. Christians included. Things we want to do within the year. And at the end of the year we become failures for not achieving them. Another reason to beat ourselves up and go into a self pity trip.

I think more and more that humans love to self pity. Look at me I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have a nice car, or an ipod.. me, me, me. How annoying we have become. On new year’s, someone came apologizing to me in tears. Being skeptical, my mind went into a dejavu mode. Yes this has happened before, exactly a year ago I think. So tell me I have to forgive her seventy times seven times but I cant help being skeptical.

This is me. The year will pass by me again and I would have repeated the same mistakes I warned myself against. I would’ve learned a skill I’m proud of like swimming and come to absolutely love it. I most likely will relearn a thing or two about myself that I hate. I may decide on ‘big’ decisions like marriage or even leaving the country.

And yet all this things I do will not change the world. Just my perspective of the world. My graduation, or new job, my new love or new car makes no difference in the atmosphere. The world in the silent space will go on spinning as it were. People will continue hating each other, whether I’m in Malaysia or Spain. Someone and more than just some one will die. It could even be me.

That is life as it were. And yet every year we give ourselves false hopes that the year will be ‘better’ and come end of the year we open our lists, smile because we thought we did well or frown and go into self pity.

What’s on that list that only God knows who started reflects more of who we are than who we really want to be. But that’s just my opinion. After all that’s all that matters. Me.

yours,

jess