Thursday, January 05, 2006

WhEn yOu pLaY wiTh fiRe, yOu gEt bUrnEd?

dear jess,

the beauty, the heat, the flicker and the very sense that a fire can grow into something wild and dangerous is the same reason we are attracted to it.

You know you might get burned but yet you can’t resist it. You think you can handle it. And that you will always win.

The problem with life is that everything can be set on fire. Everything comes with expectations. If I call and talk to you for over two hours id expect you to call me back, if I bought you a Christmas gift I’d expect one in return or at least a thank you. If I drove to see you, messaged you to see how you are, I’d expect you to put in the same effort into it if not more than I do.

The problem with reality is that my expectations always get the better of my sensibility. My need to control the situation, the person, the outcome makes me almost always get burned.

Sometimes I wish that I was the kind of person who could live alone.

Lately, I’ve been feeling more and more like an idiot. Looking back on relationships, in whatever form, I realized that I’ve wasted too much effort. And then I sit down in expectation… and instead I get burned.

Its time I started living for me. In Selfishishness. And don’t you dare tell me otherwise. I don’t need praise or appreciation, advice or concern. I just need to stop being an idiot. But I’m not sure what makes me think ill learn that.


There’s an idiot born every minute,
I keep getting reborn every 4 minutes or so..

jess

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