introducing, the little men in the family..

this is my nephew i havent met yet. cute isnt it....

ben speaks with an accent. who knows why... to be continued, more pics when they arent running away from me..

FuTuRe

new flavour, thanks cynical half :) timtams tia maria, to accompany tomorro's family meet surely to be filled with rage as we discuss why blond haired people, with chinese eyes, and d inability to speak or sing in english or bm that isnt broken has won malaysian idol. SIGH i must be on the wrong planet

i need to feel the beaches of phuket before i go crazy.. sigh what is it with rude over 40 something women?? if i ever grow old that way just kill me.. thank God for the little joys in my life..just love my new thongs

pReSenT

the new dog, yes the one on the left..

PaSt

is that an L for L-O-S-E-???? haha

ikan patin YUM!

the patin, fresh from sg pahang.. and mun onn, with his hands always on his hip. it must be a reflection of his character..

salniza, me, nor and fiza, Sniff SNiff miss them so much...

fancy cancer

dear jess,

its funny. Some people would trade their lives of reasonable comfort in the village to move to the city, where they stay in apartments the size of a toilet, the neighbours hate you and getting a green card is almost impossible.

Its funny too that some people would trade in their mothers business of being a hawker and make ten times more, just so he can sit his ass down in a swirling chair and in an air cond office.

Some people trade in slave over their low income jobs to buy a car, that sits in the driveway, and gets driven home annually, just so they can show off to their families that they've suceeded in the big city.

A crummy home just so you can be overseas. A 'good looking' job, a 'good looking' everything.

Pride. Its freaking amazing what those 5 words do to us.

the meticuolus man with floral pants

Dear jess,

I’m here looking at this man pouring ribena into individual ant sized cups, carefully, as if every drop was gold, leaning away from me I could see his beach wear floral pants. There was something adorable about a man after a certain age who uses floral pants and lives in the thicken pahang jungles.

I rarely have my out of body moments these days, and I had one then. The breeze blew at the OA church we painted, now with an extra few feet extension, I could see the nature free outside, and I took solace that there was beauty in being contented without having to live in the city.

A lot of defeat as I rethought this trip. Plenty. Didn’t achieve what I thought I could with the singing and the lovely kids, and thoroughly hated myself for something else. Regardless. When I was in my first year at uni, I went to this same areas of pahang, on a bus to temerloh, met the same person whose been doing the same work he has from before then. That’s how long. Not my experience; just me.

I always pride myself, these days at least, for being someone who dares to speak up and be different. Someone who won’t stop at saying or doing just because it’s unorthodox. And then a thought occurred. Maybe what I strive to be might be a continuity of oppositions. No matter what, as long as it isn’t what you are thinking, a fight, just for the sake of it.

The question of who I am continuously interests and annoys me at the same time. It’s a rare, flattering skill to see everything good in everybody and mine is a cynical one that sees everything bad in everyone. And as I look at the breeze outside the wooden church and wonder how few people will attend my funeral because I told them the truth that they suck compared to the funeral of the girl with plenty people because she told them all they were great, I smile. At the man with the flowery pants, and a much simpler, simpler life, except perhaps when he’s pouring the ribena.

yours,

jess

nEvEr notiCed it AlwAys thIs LonG!

i drive across the penang bridge, never knew it could look this cool...

y fiGht the onLy perSon whO laugHs at YouR Lame joKes?

tsk tsk 

stuFFed StoMach, StuFfEd noSe, SigH!

food glorious food

LovEly LibRaRy, thAts a FirSt

Universiti Tronoh Petronas, formerly USM, with a library like this.. i wouldnt mind being there day and night!

sucky september

something morbid about september...

hamster's funeral service saturday 8th, opened with a hymn. Whilst the hamster, which was yet to be named died horrificly and rather suspiciously the funeral service went off fine.

lost and found dept

dear jess,

when you finally find what you were looking for, you suddenly dont want to do it! i found me long lost bud i talked about some time back, all when i wasnt even looking anymore, and now, im hesitating to call him. Its really weird and surreil.

hi, jess here, and ive been stalking you for the past few weeks, also i found you off the net, on the white pages, sorta when i wasnt even looking. Doesnt that freak you out? Oh btw, lets meet up?

i crack myself up all the time...

yours sillyness in all its glory,

jess

are we there yet??

dear jess,

thursday, 8.45pm, the crazy looking woman knocks on my car and makes hand and mouth signals with a big smile stating she just wants to talk and tell us that she and her husband was there first and how they deserve the parking we were already in. I turn over to my usually gusty cousin and we both decide to stay in the car because she looked somewhat crazy.

Rewind to 10 minutes before this, i place my signal to get into the car park, and ask my cousin, that car doesnt want it right? we look, and the husband has his hands behind his head, resting, no signal as the car comes out and we take the place.

Fast forward to 20 minutes after, and now the mad looking wife has called on the husband and they both start knocking on my cousins window side insisting they just want to talk. An image of my mum flashes, and decide to stay in the car, taking the 'higher road.' Finally, i zoom away, of course not before ramming my car, my anger has to be chaneled somewhere, and much to my insane delight gave the two a good shock. Made a turn, and guess what the car next to me leaves too, and that was two whole empty parking lots for two jerks we just met, but just like God was looking down on me and winked at me that day, they got to park in neither one.. Of course, we couldnt resist it and turn to laugh at them as we drove pass. Who says the wrong ones dont always get wat they deserve huh?

Rewind this to two days before, 7.30 in the morning, kit is late. Whats new. I make myself a cuppa, and feel the throat protesting. The thought that i may get sick crosses my mind, then conveniently ignored it as it didnt feel that bad. 3 hours or so later, breakfast at ipoh, tim sum was good. Especially loved the egg tarts and fried prawns. i find myself in ipoh parade, and somewhere in between that and the cute swings as chairs in the marrybrown, i seem to have gotten the sniffles. Mun Onn apologizes, i must have got it from him somewhere from when we were scolding kit for his lateness, to our bitching about life and people in our lives.

More fast forwarding and we are at taiping, finally got kit and mun onn to try the infamous mee rebus and char kuey teow plus the DOUBLE fried pisang goreng and canggih curry puffs, which we tapaued for the northeners too...

Fast forward to a few minutes on the highway and the boys decide to sleep whilst the girl drives. As i head north being all alone with my thoughts, my nose starts to leak furiously, ah an unwelcome, but far too familiar sight of my leaky nose, the last time i had flu, gosh i was in taiping too! Still driving, multi tasking between blowing the leaky nose, adjusting the aircond, driving and trying not to hit anyone with a car that wasnt mine, i thought that this is the first time im actually driving across the penang bridge, hmm better not tell the hamsap boy, he might freak.

8.30pm, we pick shel, liyee and topher. 15 minutes before i find myself in the usm dorms searching for toilet. All local uni dorms look the same, and guess what they smell the same too! Brought back memories from 'back in the day' except they had a lift in that dorms! gosh lucky kids.

Fast forward to dinner at gurney drive, now my flu is full blown. More fast forwarding to 10.30 as we race back to the hotel to watch desperate housewives. More lying down like a bunch of lazy buggers we were, more lameness from you know who and sweet shelby who puts up with it.. Made the trio sacrifice their precious assignment time; you know with the time spent hanging out and of course getting lost..

The 'man of the match' was definitely kit, as the story of his confidence at mt kinabalu walking off confidently as he waves mun onn goodbye, to which mun onn stops him, and tells him his going the wrong way! I thought a mountain had only two ways, up and down? (sarcastic tone intended) Fast forward to a few minutes maybe even seconds after that as he confidently leads the pack out to the car park and takes the wrong turn. We burst lauging hysterically, what with the story just being told and all. Of course he does this a few more times on our trip.

Fast forward to next morning, rudely awake by whining and whacking, next stop- Sitiawan. By far the most interesting shop with fake perfumes that go for 2bucks, and bright yellow thong (please, there are more than one meaning for this word..) for me too.

Fast forward. Lumut, i secretly check kits cam, whilst muns (another new nick) looks out for him. This is after kits proudly states his multi taksing skills whilst driving, and suspiciusly disallows us from seeing pictures in his cam. Expecting some hidden life of his to be disovered, instead we see pictures of us sleeping in the car. Yes the self claimed multitasker snaps whilst driving and of course included are some self portraits while driving too! Heck we deleted it. Who's got the last laugh now?

Fast forward to after lumut, unscheduled stop at tronoh, an otherwise unknown place if it weren for, michael d. UTP, univ trinoh petronas, former USM Kejuteraan, was awesome! id never say this of a building, but mike's "starship enterprise" building with the library being seen from the outside was beautiful. If i had to go to a see thru library everyday, id be glad.

Dinner, a drive home, many more pee stops, the runnning out of interrogation questions for kits, long, long hours on the road, stops, and im home exhausted. Ive never been more exhausted, probabbly also because of the flu; so much so i had no mood to take pics. Will steal from the boys later.

Of course, at the end of that day, i ended watching rockstar inxs, and marty, the hot babe made a good end to the day with his personally written song, trees. Reminded me of Roald Dahl, somehow.

Fast forward to the future; im sure this will go down as one of those things i look back fondly on, what with "my" two boys and the four people who made it worthwhile. On the other hand, going north will now be associated to me getting a flu, so im not sure when ill be ready for another northern road trip.

yours back in free gear,
jess

men and their weapons..

kits new babe, a sword. impressive, no?

lumut

you know what, i think this is my first time in lumut..

what a way to end my day

marty kc, ahhh, check out his song trees "itll be you and me up in the trees..."

http://rockstar.msn.com/video/performance/wk09

one big happy family :)

felt like a teenager again, lined up for autographs and err... nevermind.. sighh and ash gets voted out..

ash rocks..

i still think ash is a hottie.. then again i might say that abt anyone who does a gavin deGraw relatively well.. ahhhhhhhhh **flutterrr**

numbed

dear jess,

my motto in life is that the people who laugh the loudest, and the most, hurt the deepest inside. my cousins and me have a 3 second laugh. Its because, we laugh every 3 seconds. its freaky, but ive found this to be true not just of us, but of other people too.

one night, in the cold of my room, all by myself, i started to cry. Ive never cried that way before, ever. It was the first time i mourned and ached so deep for her that i couldnt comprehend. I cried and gasped, and felt suddenly the realisation of whats happened.

that was many months after the mourning stop. Today marks the death of my mama. my one and only insanely crazy and beautiful and perverted and cute and the best devil curry cook grandma. Im torn in between wanting to explain to you the fullness of who she was, and the pain of her death.

I know most people shun away from introducing their granparents to their friends, but mine, mine was the one that was hilariously younger and more energetic than me. Mine, mine was the one that watched movies with me!! Her last movie was national security, and mine, mine was the one that would climb up genting stairs to get to the casino.

We all thought she would outlive us.. People have this image that old people will die soon, but not mine. She was healthier and stronger than us. In fact, she passed of nothing due to her age or her health. The hemorrage apparently happens to even those who are 19.

My grandmother cracked jokes, walked in shopping malls packed during a sale, travelled to visit her kids every other months, even climbed over the neighbours fence with a sarong on in her slightly younger days. She was by far not a burden, which so many old people fear to become.

Thats the way she passed too. I hate retelling the story of how i had to see her go. Of how she was in so much pain that i had to look at her whilst we raced thru evening traffic to get her to a hospital.

You know, it was the scariest day of my life. I had my theses presentation, and it was the worse day ever, the irony of my thoughts. i came home and later in the afternoon when she was in pain, i rubbed her back, and some sense's awoke in me. As i rubbed her i thought, this is how she feels like.

When it was over, no one knew. My ability to hide my pain and tears have always been a strong point. I was always the 'strong one.' I have this weird intuiton that i can sometimes tell that someone is going to die. Its not a bizzare gift, its a dark, sick side of me. The truth is what hurts the most is the feeling that i miss her so so so much.

Have you ever imagined your world with that one special person less? Except you cant do anything about it. I was pondering this tragedy. Mama was the first person to pass away in the family. There hadnt been a death for years.

24 days later my aunty passes away. Leaving my four cousins and my uncle behind. This is 3 days after elaine's birthday, 3 days! And a few days into Jerome's birthday!

The tragedy lies in the suddeness of death, when no one was sick. The tragedy lies in losing your mum when you're 19, who also wasnt sick. The tragedy lies in losing your mother and wife in less that 30 days apart, being there and watching it happen.

My brain feels like a bee now. Buzzing inconclusively. Trying to understand the incomprehensible, my cousins, my mother, my uncle. It is beyond me, it is nothing i can fix.

I know this relates nothing to you in any way at all. And that's okay. Thanks for reading. For once, i have no idea at all how to end this mail. You know, God is good, all the time. Since that one year ago, my family religiously do Sunday dinners, sleepovers, frequent visits, trips, outings. Bitter sweet. Bitter, 3 seconds laugh, break, laugh, break, laugh. Its almost like we were high on weed. Except maybe its just grief, they, we, try to hide.

Perhaps.

on a 3 second break,
jess

obsession killed the cat

dear jess,

Hi. my name is Jessica and i probably have an obssesive finding disorder. I cant explain it, but i have the strongest urge to look up a friend. The worse part is, im so obssessed i wont give up till i track my 'illusive friend' down.

This has caused me two nights of googling and wrecking my brains out. Six degrees of separation right? And to think i thought just about everyone is on friendster, in search of my illusive friend, i instead find the most interesting and unexpected connections. Some other guy knows my some other friend!!

Curiosity is getting the better of me, and im not even sure anymore if i want to find the friend, or the whole need to just solve this big puzzle. Oh well, my medic friend, issac moses peter, who is probably a doctor by now, graduated from USM, KKB (kampus kota bharu) so if you know a link, ill buy you lunch.

This reminds me of the time when my cousins and sister use to spy on the neighbours house and wonder why he came back at suspicious hours, and why the grass was unkept. Maybe the simple explanation was that he was just a bachelor..

oh well, sigh, i wont rest till i find my ilusive friend. like i said, i cant explain obsessive disorders.. Maybe i just need to get a real job that sits me behind a desk for hours. might do me some good. haha.

from the one who will attend self help groups for the doughnuts,
jess

piCkLe me Please

dear jess,

Ive been thinking somewhat, and i realised the answers to self preservation.

Ignorance. Stupidity. Not giving a rat's ass.

Thats it. Im sure you've seen it. At the office, and when no one takes the fall, the guilty go 'huh?? is it ah? i didnt know wor.. sorry.." Or "yalar i very blur, you do lar" Im starting to think that i have absolutely no patience left in my blood. Na-da.

I was when i was younger, but now then im older and need to concentrate on self- preservation, i think im just gonna give up. Ive spent some amount of days running around like a headless duck picking up the pieces of peoples undone jobs, creating excuses for someone else, being screamed at because someone else was angry, being given the dirty look because someone else thinks that they are right, standing in the same position over sweltering heat for hours before someone offers help, and really, im not saying that im perfect but amongst all that, the worse has to be the being the only person who dares speak up. As glamourous as i like to think that sounds that comes with a heavy price of being bitchy i suppose.

I dont care about the amount of work i have to put into something. Its not the work. Its the watching over other people thats frustrating. At the end of the day, when the 'event' is a 'success' we can all push this aside, because the means always justify the end somehow. More frustration.

As i was saying. My self preservation? Not care. After all why should i be the only one right? I've done that with a friendship. After a while of being the only one who pursues and care, you run out of emotion, and guess what? giving up sometimes is a smart move.

I did not get to enjoy the event i so looked forward to, because i was too busy babysitting. Im trying to be nice. Okay so i was trying to be nice in the beginning. But you know what, if you're going to give me a hard time about being patient and bearing with someone else, and all the ther "holier than thou" lines i dont care (self preservation, remember?) but i will still pride myself in the fact than when we get down to doing something, we put our 100 percent into it, and that includes me saying out loud that the way things went was bad, regardless of the outcome.

Yikes, there goes my self preservation..

Sigh.

jess

on the side..

dear jess,

it was only a matter of time before my cynicalhalf and I got together and started working on a project to liberate our poor souls from the clutches of society.

amuse us wont you :)

CLICK HERE

yours,
jess

Y?

dear jess,

generaton-Y. By a television show defines it as a generation of educated, well trained young people leading a life of that is "unsuccesful" by choice. She works in a tourist shop selling souviniers. A university graduate. She lives in a trailer, perhaps a symbolism of her ability to leave and go somewhere but never going anywhere. She chooses limited interactions, in fact avoids any close intimicy, she works in a tourist shop, impermanent faces, not having to make friends. Slacker or stress free?

She finds ways to get into a 'stress free' environment. Deligthfully interesting. I for one believe that sometimes the more educated you are, the lesser your longing for hard work and famed success is. Slacker or stress free?

Reject the need to be succesful, to climb up the corporate ladder, to drill yourself thru hard work.. Slacker or stress free?

We grow up in an environment where if we're not working in a company and out of the office before or right on the dot at 5 we're lazy, or if we dont mingle during lunch and eat in front of our faithful companion the computer, we're antisocial. Slacker or stress free?

Or like as my cynical half says, if we wanna travel and just do that for the rest of our lives, we're slackers. Interesting, once again. I dont hate people who say that. In fact i find it hilarious. Here is the world given to us, to do as we please, right or the wrong way, and what do we choose?

Im in a state of decision making now. Working hard so i can boast to my grand nephews and niece (who can be so proudly boastful of the fact that they may get married anyways?) that i worked so hard to be 'where i am' today or the fact that i breezed thru life and had a ball??? hmmmm...

What an excuse we work because we have to. Bull!! We work because we want to, because climbing into a lift every single day and winning sales pitch defines who we are. If we worked because we have to, we'd be more than contented serving at burger kings.

Next time you hold your starbucks coffee and walk by in your prada heels and gucci briefcase think again about mocking the happy, couldnt care less girl who just served you your coffee. And is leaving work at 2. With little care in the world. ps, she also probably went to the same uni as you.

Gen-Y. Slackers or stress free?

Smart.

y not?,

jess

confessions of a two face monster

dear jess,

growing up we were always taught that good triumphed evil. Men at the core, was good. And those turned evil, have long histories of being a good misunderstood person. Much overquoted by me, Coehlo, tells the tale of such a story. Good and evil sometimes have the same face, we are capable of both in the extremes.

Most of us go around believing that human beings are essentially good or evil and that shapes our whole outlook on life. We become harsh and competitive or generous and forgiving. There was once when i used to think that humans were essentially good, and in my pride, i thought i was too.

Some people say we all have skeletons in our closet. I dont believe that. Im sure in comparison, alot of people would be surprised of the skeletons in their closet are vaguely small in comparison to that of the priest we know, the sweet neighbour, and of course me.

Maggots are these amazing creatures that dont ever give up and before you know it all you are left is without a heart or a conscience. Sometimes i wish i could compare skeletons, and at least id know that i wasnt the only one hiding them.

I can live with my skeletons. I hate them no doubt, but ive come to aptly accomodate them in my closet, right next to all my diaries. However, what i cant live with is me, dumping my skeletons in someone elses closet, and making someone else live with it.

Evil. essentially. And yet the stronghold of guilt seems stronger than the deed itself.

My faith promises freedom, that the past is forgiven, but my humanity doesnt let me go. Maybe in some need for equilibrium that is my punishment.

I cant remember who said this- probably Coehlo, we never live in the present - we are always stuck in the past or the future. Pity.

not yet out of the closet,

jess

back at ya my cynical half..

"a story of one man's life is a story of all men" loosely quoted from Coehlo's
The Devil and Miss Prysm. that one's for you my half ;)

ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts..

dear jess,

i love being there, i think ive mentioned it before. i cant, for the life of me explain it. i love, absolutely enjoy going to the airport. Maybe its the structure, the wide space, the multucultural atmosphere. Frankly, i dont care to evaluate my odd love for this place. And since i cant explain it, i guess no one will be able to understand it.

Sending my cousins there in less than 7 hours in the wee hours of morning for their im sure to be fun filled redang trip which i chose to not go, and will, im sure much regret later on. i just was brought back to remininsce a one single person ive sent off.

We've known each other for 9 years now, and since he's been away in the states the last 8 months for the rest of his life, i suddenly miss him. i dont think ill ever meet anyone quite like the guy who played drums as cool as ice, but looked totally like a geek (haha). He would patiently meet my every 'hey lets go shopping' needs and send me here and there and put up with my extreme hyperness.

The day he left, he was doing his rounds of wishing when he whispers, you wan me to hug you last? And his romantic story of telling someone how much he loved her when she was on a plane, boarding. Maybe thats it - airports. When people leave, part go away- forever, suddenly everyone becomes honest, they have this miraculous courage to say i love you or i need you in my life.

He 'was'; solely cos his away, my best friend and confidant. I saw someone else today. And it reminded me instead of the opposite. I felt the need for a friendship to die, or a death of one i couldnt stop. Whilst i wanted to run and tell this person the nitty gritty of my life i was held back.

Everyone leaves one day. Someone once told me, when we get hook, we go on in life with this notion that we'll never be lonely again. Then people forget that people die. People leave. Everything comes to an end. The inevitable surpassing of life doesnt make me a cynical person, it just makes me a realist. Maybe i'll mourn a dying relationship, or maybe ill just throw my hands high in the air and learn to get use to it.

Who knows.

"Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing. "
-Herodotus

still excited about driving to the airport..

jess

See also :

d day my best fren got married

wedpic

ccl 

mY faVouRitE siN!!

dear jess,

gluttony. yes thats one of it. i love people who know how to stuff their faces... Stranded in a town that can be covered with a 15 minute walkig radius, eating is the best you can do in Taiping. Its almost a hidden gem as people either stop in ipoh, or surpass the lil town to penang. Actually, i dare say taiping has got more good food, at cheap prices compared to that pearl of the orient. To some extend..

since my mouth has done alot of work the last few days.. ill just let the pictures do the talking, much to your relief!...

bubu on his ride to taiping

this is a mantic prawn, looks like a combination of crayfish and lobster.. brrrr

this was the dinner view! lovely, except i was too sick to appreciate it.. sigh what a waste

introducing, my sole reason for this trip. mee rebus in taiping, i swear its like no where ever and only 2bucks or so.. awesome stuff

darn, this is up there with my mee rebus, elaine and i ate 6 plates in the total of time we were there.. ahhhhh pancake, pancake, oh 4 bucks :)

this is umbra juice! or buah kedondong, superb! one of the drink stalls has certificate awards, for two years running!

char kuey teow is taiping, its kinda wet, with char siew and fish balls, eaten with green chillies.. thats 2.20.

heres my number two reason, this my frens, is a curry puff!! and the hotest, and sedapest one there is..

crab with cheese at the hotel

seafood salad, canggih bit lar, dads birthday

cappucino at the hotel, RM4

pisang goreng..1 buck for 8!

first train coacH? eerrr dunnolar

ran to him, hugged, proposed, and then realised it wasnt sir raffles.. err i have no idea who it is..

ice cool water!

ahhhh

austin's pooL

mermum..

cute church, on a hill, from a distance, you can see three crosses on that hill

forgive me..

couldnt take alot more, the chee cheong fun is amazing, with yam cake on the side, toppeed with sauce and fried onions. Rest assured, the fridge is filled with packs of food tapaued back. Will be back in 3 months time, i made my IC there, and it took me, less than 10 minutes!

yours on the way out to the gym,

jess