dear jess,
what is it with this man called Reality? i keep bumping into him every now and then. A colourful odd ball that one, carmouflages with just about everything. Just yesterday Reality disguised himself as a she, called me up. She claimed to be the mother of my best friend and said something terribly nasty. I listened carefully and thought, ah ive heard this voice before! The last time i heard it, she was making fictitious claims, that i must say terribly upset me. This time, i was surprisingly calm. So as i was saying, she claimed alot of anger in her words, and she even called me a ***** twice. Lets just say no one has, and this coming from a 40 plus mother was amusing to say the least. So wat do you do when Reality calls you and doesnt let you justify yourself, because Reality has already decided who and what you are? what do you do?? why, you hang up on him of course!
But, as some of us are already aware, Reality is a stubborn one too. Following that, Reality insisted on coming over for tea today and he got me thinking. He told me about this woman he met- Ms Dysfunctional. She is a pain in the neck. They use to date i think. anyways, what she does is pry into families when they werent watching. In my best friend's case, she was a long term house guest. The mother would pry into the private lives of her son or daugther and would then think that her adult son shouldn't be friends with this girl or guy base on external factors, youve heard them before, stuff like racism? Amazing, because Ms Dysfunctional has the amazing knack of making people think their views of the world and other people are all wrong, except theirs! so what do these mothers do? They actually call up their children's friends so that they can scream the very bad words to them that they've taught their own kids not to use.
Reality explained that people are far and beyond what we imagine them to be, that Ms Dysfunctional was the key to todays's society, that many children suffer under their parent's 'rule' and all this at the same time appearing 'godly' and pure to its finest degree, they are the same ones who emotionally torment their children, and anyone who dares to be close to their kids suffer the same wrath.
And while Reality was talking, baby Thanksgiving whispered to me, and looking back at my own family i rejoiced that my parents were gold in comparison to what Reality explained.
A little while over tea, baby Confusion crawled in. Confusion got me thinking about how could families like these exist not only in our society but in our churches? Confusion kept repeating to me past thoughts about names and gossips that have hurt me before. Confusion for a second even led me to think that it was my fault that cause all these dsyfunctionality.
Just as i was about to hit bulk of depressions, Reality put his heavy hand on Confusion, told him to hit the road, and reminded me of but another friend who had Dsyfunctional in her home for the last 20 years or so. In her home, Dysfunctional made her father hit her mother. Once again, this happens right under our noses! Is Dysfunctional still living there? will she continue to live on?
Reality then did something weird, he looked me into my eyes and he cried. He said jess, i hate to tell you this, but im gonna have to live with you for a long time. as long as you have best friends with Ms. Dysfunctional living in their homes, and as long as you have girlfriends who needs you when Dysfunctional makes her dad hit her mum, im gonna be living with you. So get use to the fact that i sleep anywhere i like, eat anytime i like, i dont flush after peeing and everything about me spells uncomfortable to you.
Well, i was about to tell Reality that no one tells me how my life is going to be and all the other nonsense i abide my life with when another voice hit me. Softer and yet louder that Reality's. Was it the voice of reason? Or was it the voice of Hilarious because i could still laugh? Was it the voice of Pain because it felt like my heart was taken out and chewed on, and then placed right back in? Was it the voice of anger that Carmouflaged itself?
I think it was a combination of voices. First came the voice of helplesness that just told me to lie back and let it go, because there is nothing i could do. Then came the voice of Hilarious that made me laugh because people like these were blinded by their own fault, and yet had the amazing capability of picking out somebody elses. Then came confusion and just about everyone decided to take the day of to visit me.
finally, came the voice of God. Yes, i've rarely spoken of Him in my letters to you, but dont be mistaken jess, He has been the very voice of Grace. I couldnt explain it but along with his voice came a sense of calmness and joy. Sure i was angry that Reality was going to be my permanent roomate and with that came a flood of other horrific emotions.
its difficult to explain. The pain and the longing to change things remain but as long as Reality is still walking aoround my room STARK naked i sit back realising that there is little i can do- for now.
yours schizophrenicly,
jess
No comments:
Post a Comment