wHaTs wOrSe tHaN dYiNG?

dear jess,

living an unchallenged life.

Being a possibly manic deppresive person, life couldnt possibly be more colourful. when you are happy and high, it feels like you just sucked the life out of a world of adrenaline, your heart starts to pump, the smile on your face refuses to fade and your talk becomes not just faster, but louder, excitable. You feel that you have fallen in love with the world all over again, nothing can change that or challenge that, and anyone willing to even let their shadow fall on your path is defaced, eaten up alive.

Then as if to balance out the yin and yang, you have those dreary days, normal people like to think that its depression they face, but God forbid it that they ever do. Life becomes dreary and stark dry like the dessert of the sahara and normal chores become an impossibility.

But then there is possibly another side that psychologist have yet to discover. The one where life becomes normal. Everything starts to set itself in pace, its just normal. How can one live with that? Its not an up, its not a down.. its a flat. flat! what do you do when its flaT???!!!!

There are the normal shares of people annoying you and also the ones loving you but so what? There are the normal shares of jobs to be done, money to be made, but so what?
Scripts to be done, performances to watch, auditions to go to, so what?
Suppers to gorge at, lunches in the heat, errands to be done, people to be met.. but so what?

I need something, someone or to go someplace to be jolted into gear. There have only been two people in my life who has done that. People who challenge me, my mind. One of whom i admire is already halfway around the world living out his dream. And so im left here thinking about my own pilgrimage i hope to make someday.

I need to find that place and i need to go there soon before my soul runs dry and im doomed to be trapped in the forever land of my flat, unchallanged life.

i do not like to admit that i might fear leaving this flat land, where it holds people and memories of those i love, taking the risks of changing those relationships and heading towards the unknown where i will melt into the faces, having no history, no ties, no one to fallback on. Perhaps that is not what i fear, perhaps what i fear is that i may never want to come back.

yours in hope of a pilgrimage,
jess