tHe ePiToMe oF pAiN

dear pain,

when will you leave me? when will you go and let me be alone? You seem to be there at every crevice and crack i hide from you. Leave me and let me be. I look to things and friends to help me, but it only eases you for a while, for you always return to me, swearing your vengence.

You reside in the depths of my soul and heart, and make my heart melt within me. My nights and days become dreary and hands shiver from fear. Leave me and let me be, can't you see im already wretched.

I can name the people who brought you to me, but whats the point? You wont leave. The pain you bring with these people who have come to claim me guilty, judge me, and what's more, now they want to confront me with this lies they so persistantly believe.

I long for you to leave, and give me back my peace. I long to taste the joys of existing without fear. The strength of confidence that i am innocent. My bed gives me no rest, my eyes wont let me stop tearing, my heart wont stop sinking.

I long to write letters with more dreams of joy and less pain, but alas that is not to come. I long back for the days when people loved without judging, when he understood, and when she let me stay in her home despite not knowing me well, when they showed me that being Christians were opening their lives to me, when he made me believe in myself. Those sweet days are strangers now.

Dont be alarmed, and dont think that you have to comfort me. I hope it passes, and when i come out of it, be it in failure or victory, i hope to write you letters of joy and dreams once again.

yours,
jess