giVe mE hOpE!

The notion that thought can be perfectly or even adequately expressed in verbal symbols is idiotic
Alfred North Whitehead

Dear jess,

Remember how I told you that there were two demons, fear and expectations that can cripple you? And yet at the same time its an unavoidable human emotion. Heres another. Hope.

Well, its almost the same as expectation really, but different. Its that feeling when you really hope something will happen AND you cant do anything about. Hope, helplessness.

Like when your boyfriend is on a standby list in Copenhagen and you miss him like crazy. Or when your job takes you to another state and you hope like hell the girl you like will say something. Or the person you think you’re meant to be with simply because you love the titles he reads and his life philosophies are a million miles away.

Hope creeps in. With nothing to rely on except your emotions.

Independent, single woman have a way of guarding their hearts. They don’t have expectations, and they don’t have hope. And anything that makes them vulnerable to being helpless, which obviously means falling in love will be pushed aside.

Im not sure which is worse really. Hope is like waiting and gambling. You bet all your emotional rupiah’s on that one single hope that he will come back, that she will say yes or that you'll see him again, and then you wait, and wait, and ….

And when you’re broke, you realize how stupid it was and you think to yourself, its ok, ill win someday- ill hope again.

yours trapped,

jess

pLaY niCe

dear jess

Why is it that no one tells the woman who I have to work with that she’s rude? Or the relative that she shouldn’t be speaking to me that way? Or the friend, who makes remarks that doesn’t want to compromise that her attitude means I have to do more just so she’s comfortable?

Why are we "nice"? Perhaps because we dont want to be told the same? Remember when you're young and you wanted to fit into the popular group but never will? Its a stupid thing to want but still no matter what jerks they were, you were nice?

Does being nice to you means i have to bear with your selfishness and bitterness whilst i just smile and convince myself im doing the right thing?

Imagine a world where there was no hypocricy? we would just be as depressed. Go ahead, put on that smile whilst we all just take it in. Imagine a world where we said what we really thought at exactly the right time? Imagine the crudeness and the pain. The honesty and the openess?

Of course. im sure there are tonnes of people i owe my sanity because they're at this moment being "nice" and tolerating me.

*jess closes eyes* to savour moments taken for granted

in the meanwhile, happy holidays. The girls- those who were so unfortunate to be related to me are driving back, making road trip with loads of food stop. Know what the mum says? dont laugh so much! she thinks that elaine, elsa and me are going to laugh non stop for three, five hours. Hmm them again it isnt impossible. We've repeted lines from Dumb and Dumber a thousand times and we still find it absolutely hilarious!!! tag you're it!

yours,

jess

bitter, better, best

dear jess,

have you ever noticed that people can be subtlely bitter, without even knowing it? Sometimes you wonder what theyve been through and why theyre that way? Whilst people half way around the globe are ducking hurricanes, and us fortunate people go shopping at tesco's? i mean its been a weird some days for me with people snarling at me for not doing anything. Here's my style, stare back, 'jelink' and then burn furiously inside!

Sure, that is if theyre right in front or your face, but what about sms'es or msn's? Have you noticed how when you tell someone about how trivially happy you are people make "subtle" remarks and "faces" that they cant just be happy for you? Sometimes i think even they dont know it! i use to think i would be bitter. But i think ive just met my match(es), either that or there is something or someone keeping me happy, and everyone else bitter?

hey maybe theres still hope for me?

ive been trying to learn to swim since i was a kid. It always ends up with my stuffed nose, and an unhappy ending. Lately ive been at the pool so often with the cousins, that we have taught ourselves, more or less how to swim. And you know what? i feel cheated.

All this while, theres been people around me who knew how to swim when i was gulping water, and you know they never once in their lives taught me how to swim! And i know a certain someone who knew how to float and when i found out, all it takes to float is to hold your breath! why is it that no one tells me this? All they tell me is how well they float or swim.

Its a knowledge conspiracy. Some things in life are simple. People say, i dunno how to teach you, when they can just tell you this is how i do it. Sometimes we gulp so much of water that we finally realise we didnt need to.

To be honest, i still think theres something i need to know that i dont, and im doing something wrong when i push my head out for a breath. But i guess if no ones going to teach me im just going to have to gulp for now.

yours drowning and happy, what a rarity for the latter eh?

jess

speaKing of dRowniNg..

Reasons for travelling, reason number 6:-
To bore people with your travel slides/photos/videos
How many times have you sat through a boring slide show put on by your friends and family and wished the floor would open up and swallow you? Traveling gives you a chance to return the favour.

(taken from No Shitting In The Toilet, Moore)

the end of my trip, with my beloved lonely planet, sigh..

spend some days here, rooms are cleaner than my room back home :P

the last walk down the street, looking at the places we've spend. the internet cafe

i stayed here some days, dont be deceived the rooms are damp

my last walk down this street, i love the fact that its bricked, with everyone coming but never staying...

fRiEndS

simone, federico and luca. its really fun just watching them speak italian

its true what they say about italian men... ;)

Federico & Luca - ora di colazione :)

bAck in BanGkok

if anyone asks, this is how bangkok really looks like, just like.. home..

sculpture behind the musicians

musicians sitting at the park playing traditional tunes

the thai's had some sort of festival and belief, that involved feeding the birds or fishes (they were huge!) or buying a fish and letting it go as a sign of err kindness? i cant remember, then again maybe i never knew..

fooD!

mmmmmm doughnuts..

grashoppers and crickets. to be honest, you just taste the msg, but the crickets were the yummiest. no kidding!

NaTioNal MuSeuM

National Museam (part of its many parts) the largest museum in southeast asia! and i had to go twice lar!... its good tho

burung garuda, garuda birds, mythical creatures, its so cool seeing it when i learned about it at.. err now if only i can remember what and where i learned about these creatures.. sigh

according to a thai pop culture book, thais have a way of shaping their hedges...

this looks like a scene from LOTR man! wooo hehe

now thats what we call a door!

wEstErNiseD eaSteRneS..

never occured to me how roasted i was till i sat next to the sista!!!!!!!! i blame my cynical half

jess: now accordin to Lonely Planet tourist shouldnt be eating western food in Thailand! mei: i dunno, that looks pretty good..

wiTh moDerN teChnOlogY & greAt sKiLL evEn pAttAya LookS aWesOME!

everyone sits on the broken jetty and fish

anyone who makes even pattaya look this pretty gets my hats off!

postcard anyone? i can get my bro to sell you some..

at pattaya, we had to climb up a broken jeti, from concrete slabs on to this and all of them rickety!

the bRave, tHe qUirKy and The ResT..

the brother in law goes bungeeing..

the sister's sister inlaw goes bungee

so creative ya? shouldve gotten one.. but which? darn..

the aussie and dutch man having a go at selling ballons to locals, first time on khao san history ever!

at the harley shop

the house of jim thompson, famous silk maker in thailand, dies mysteriously in cameron highlands!!

Ayyuthaya

ancient city, ayyuthaya used to be the central for thailand..

it was one of the pool-ish structures in the old city we couldnt figure out what it was, the green are the fallen leaves, i simply think its awesome!

what a nice way to spend a day, dipping legs

fiNaLLy, sHe sPeaKs

dear jess

One of the books i flipped last week told me that some stories go untold are wasted. Writers can be considered the most egoistic people on earth, as they jot down the events in their life, and think that someone would pay money to read it. I suppose my trip feels a little like that, and somehow it always feels better to tell you the 'harvests' of my thoughts rather than the ride itself. However, i may be so boastful to say that indeed some stories gone untold are wasted, and although i hate to write too many letters to you too soon, as i know you might not read the one below that might just be worth your while, here it is anyways. The first part of many. If you dont enjoy it? its okay, the letters were somehow always meant for myself..

we board the plane after the eventful night at zouks that we knew then we shouldnt have done with less than 3 hours of sleep under our belt. The slight feeling of over dancing, over drinking (not the same definition as getting drunk), over partying and undersleeping meant two dazed and worse still, two unexcited girls heading on a plane to thailand on their maiden backpacking voyage.

Okay, so one stupid thing down, we head in to the airport only to have our names announced over the PA, a first for my fellow traveller whose flown so many times, then stripping my belt off after the metal detector awakes me from my half awaken state and head into the budget airlines that sometimes im sure should pay us to use their planes.

The stewardess looked like she had spent a week at zouks inztead of our one night, she had make up that ran, and uncombed hair, but that didnt bother me in the least bit. It was the steward that had his gayish walk that came over to the two 'brilliant' girls who sat down next to the exit doors, have him POINT at the sign on the exit door and rudely tell us that our bags should be up. Of course this is after he rudely tells us to take off the seatbelts that we had put on. Reasoning? maybe the seatbelts will be to hard to unbuckle whilst the plane circles the airstrip and my begs are filled with stones that i wont have time to open the emergency exit and save the life of the rude steward.

Yes. grouchy start to what should've been paradise, After all we were on the way to phuket and phi phi, one of the most famous beaches on earth. If people got paid to be rude, alot of us would be rich by now wouldnt we?

From the plane, we were tucked into a minivan, or minibus. By mini they were right. By bus, they were way off. Its basically just a van. The 45 minute journey into phuket town was long, ut we were dropped off to be harassed by a local tour agency who then tries to sell us lodging and our trip to phi phi. We bought it, mostly because we couldnt say no, but thankfully, they turned out to be good deals. Of course we had the 7 or so people wait for us as we were last again..

We had a long ride of a man who decides to sit behind us, and who just also happens to think that he knows just about everything in the world and couldnt stop talking. The worse part is he was malaysian.

And we hadnt even reached the beach.

yours retracing,

jess

jes-actualization

dear jess

Years ago, after studying what that actually means, I find the irony in what Abraham maslow was trying to say. In his pyramid scheme, self actualization is the highest form of achievement as part of being a human being. The irony? Is that self actualization has nothing to do with self.

He cites Mahatma Gandhi as an example. Self actualization simply put? The point in a persons live where you are able to deny yourself and put others as well as using who you are for other people. Well, its been years since my last psycho class so, apparently my definitions would fall short of Maslows.

I suppose every good Asian daughter living home taking care of her parents and living up her end to the bargain would be self actualized? Or the not living out of the only son's daringly unforgiving dreams that would cause the family to talk for years?

Of course, as pyramid goes, the higher it gets the lesser people there are who achieve it. Not surprising, but perhaps he didn’t travel to Asia and visit the “selflessness” of some Asian families.

I always get the feeling that I fall short. Of just about everything, even the grace of God. Heresy eh? This plastic feeling that I get from people around me who are ‘holier than thou’ and go to places of worship with their pressed shirts and daunting eyes that will tell you someone isnt protestan or brethren enough.. and that although we don’t understand them, we sure as hell can criticize them. Damn I said hell. Damn I said damn. Its never that obvious really, it’s the subtlety of the walk, the talk and the look.

Is it hard thinking that you’re being different? No. not really, it’s hard getting into those bleach white shirts that were pressed to hard and buttoned up to high. Shirts weren’t meant to be that way. Nobody made them to just be static and do the same thing at the same place and to be whiter than the next shirt. It was meant to be drowned in mud, washed, feel the freshness of being clean, and always appreciating the different detergent smells.

Then suddenly it dawns on you. The white shirts are hung up in cupboards, places, offices even churches that never move. You, on the other hand? Because you didn’t button up too tight, too high, or too much can move freely. Sometimes it is that easy, and we just complicate it. Just like naming stages in a human beings life. Self Actualization? Actually, just my self.

Ps. Will drown you with more pictures soon. You’ve been warned..

Yours unbuttoned,
jess

LetS gO maRkeTinG!

marketing? well not quite, Bangkok is infested with "markets" that sell everything from clothes to shoes, to bags, to dogs, to, just about everything. But get ready for a day of walking, sweating, and fighting with the vendors to bargain.. even this guys came out

the cowboys came to the market too

so cool eh the way they still sell stuff

the atmosphere, so happening 

isnt he a cutie!? he looks like pinky, from pinky and the brain

piMp mY riDE!!

my favourite tuk-tuks! overpay a motorbike driver for inhaling tonnes of carbon monokside, getting drenched if it rains, and squeezing in tiny spaces at the jam, risking your life. thrilling!

how many school girls can you fit in a tuk tuk?

me: err hi can i take a ride on your bike?
jap guy: get away from me crazy asian chick
well, actually the real story is kinda embarassing. haha

the LRT alike is called the BTS system which was frequently used, until calculating that its the same prices as when we took a cab, of course minus the horrendus jams

this should be the way to travel, on an expensive, painful, slow, and dont forget the poor elephants back.. 

creative?

tralalala 

saengtheaw's - danger when he packs 30 people into that thing and goes uphil to Koh Chang 

now this is the way to travel