FiRsT StEpS

at the entrance

SLiDE!!!!!!!!!

gustaV doWn d SliDe

iKeA

freeloaders with one single cup of coffe sighhh thats who we are!

whiCh S fiTs yoU??

dear jess,


sigh. it always starts with a sigh doesnt it? the problem with racial stereotyping is that sometimes, maybe alot of times, it actually is true. You see, we can't whine about how psychologist have stereotypeed us, in our multiracial country if we actually act up to those stereotypes.

i was walking out from cultural center, UM when i see stereotype (S) number1 orientating 3 girls. Now, they werent speaking my language so how do i know its orientation? They were wearing formal traditional clothes in the heat of the day (some races have a 1 mth orientation and theyre required to wear formal clothes) and the girls looked freaked, faces down with the jerk on his bike talking to them.

So this is me, feeling sickish longing for my bed and thinking what would be the right thing to do? My car was next to me so i could just get in drive off, after all the girls will survive, everyone does. My inclination to do something grows, and i consider discussing it with fellow passerby's but S2 walks by not even noticing that anything has happened whilst S3 was probably to busy going to the library.

I pluck up whatever courage i have and prayed i wont die today, and made my move. I went up to the S, asked him if he was orientating the girls and you know what he says? he says it looks like im orientating them. Ok, note to self, we are now speaking to an idiot. So i go on, asking him for his name cos if he was orientating them id report him (this could mean being expelled) which of course he then lets the girls off and of course, mr im so brave i bully 3 girls, doesnt give me his name and matric no.

I then quickly make my escape, i can hear the jerk behind me calling me to which i ignore, he then turns around the building and catches me on the other side, but i think he caught sight of the security and he disappears. I spoke to the security and he nicely walks me to my car- well not quite, but at least he knows theres a jerk on campus.

See the problem was i came home angry and scared ( i am still a wuss u know) at S number 1 for their 'people' have been grazing other juniors for years, the stupidity of talking down to people, of telling juniors that they need to adhere to a bunch of stupid seniors is just plain stone age idiocy!! it still makes me angry with rage.

BUTT, wha about all the other asses? the you's and me's who just go, ah lets not bother? lets not get involved because 'it isnt my business'?? isnt that just as much US orientating these three girls as much as that jerk? we let it happen!

There's a real life story of a murder that happened in a busy street in US, behind a full apartment, and when this person was murdered, everyone was at their windows- looking. According to psychologists, the more people there are around a scene of a crime, the more unlikely it is you'll get help.

So guess what? Dont blame the next person who stereotypes you for a race you were born to be, and didnt dare change. Remember that guy who helped to stop someone in a car accident a few days ago, and in turn he himself died? I bet most of you went something along the lines of 'he shouldve just minded his own business' or something that adheres him to not doing anything?
My self experimentation came through, when i came home and told some people, their immediate reaction was 'why you so busybody' or something along that lines.

So doing the 'right thing' never feels good, and the only body im suppose to mind apparently is mine. Another 100 reasons to be cynical.

In the meanwhile i was totally freaked, and i hope he doesnt recognise me, after all what if he kills me? Its a big thing you know, deflating a third year students ego in front of 3 first year girls. Looking at the typical behaviour of the S1's, i think ill be in hiding for a while....

We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles.
-Mark Twain

yours,
jess

F.B.I

Fetch Bite Irritate, was about to get a few of this shirt for one or two people, when they all came in dog sizes. Don be offended, if you were, well siapa makan cili... =P

mOndAy mOrniNG gLoW!!!

dear jess,
AH! its 4.25 am and im in my manic stage :) big grins.. alto it probably wont last and its so early in the morning there's no one to share my joy with- of which i have absolutely cant point my finger as to why im happy at this absurd hour and ill probably be totally the opposite pretty soon..

Life's always a cycle, somthing ends, and something begins, and maybe some things never ever end. Ive ended some cycles. Recently, due to my being unfairly treated at work, i decided that enough was enough. Hence, me being in my 'im so angry' stage, i decided to end it all.

Funny thing is, as much anger as i feel inside, i couldnt express it sternly when i wanted to. And i came to the horrid realisation that left me almost puking, that at the heart of it, im chicken. I was going to say that im nice, but i think im just a wuss. Its almost like the years at high school when you let people step all over you then you turn and say THANKS! with a smile of course.
No matter how much bad people have wronged me, i remember now, i can never scold them the way they deserve. wuss. It must be all that pent up anger that makes me cynical. hmmmm.
You have all this plan in your head about how you shouldn't have done this or said this or how much effort this took me and what im getting back doesnt justify it blah blah blah, and when the moment arrives? you're super nice. and you even apologise for the inconvinience your sudden leave will cause. wuss.

Its alright. denial is always my strongest alibi, at the heart of it, im just waiting for the right moment of vengence. Really.

Our last day at school, and one of the twins comes up to me and hugs me and she goes, i love you miss jessica! Now tell me, why would i ever want to work in an office ever again..Now, if only i could remember if that was Natasha or Natalia... :P we're going to miss being there, and all the yakity yaks ive had with my sarcastic sisters sis in law.. haha my tripple ass? :) i got to learn how to be sarcastic from you.

Thanks tripple "s" you kept me sane

yours in a fleetings moment of manicness,
jess

fOoD, WaTEr anD rEcOgniTiON

dear jess,

There are few basic things that the species called a human being needs. Food, water, oxygen and of course the curse of recognition. It isnt enough if we have suceeded in attaining an achievement- job, our degree, more money, but people must know about it. Specifically 'other' people.

Its seriously interesting. Think about it. It isnt enough if we are good friends with someone, or had a blast at some event last week or we are dating someone. Nope. Everyone else has got to know about it, then we can go on living.

Its not necesarily a 'im showing off attitude' but somehow people just need other people to know. Its this burning desire that we need to tell everyone else that we are special or that there's something really exciting happening in our lives, when probably in comparison to someone elses we dont realise that it isnt interesting, and probably even pathetic.

If we are not recognised, we don exist. If a tree falls in the jungle and no one sees it? No recognition means you dont exist. If no one knows you were in a play, you have a hot shot job or even if you're having a really bad time, you dont exist.

Have you ever notice that when someone dies, no matter how normal that person is, everyone suddenly becomes the dead mans bestest friend? Everyone somehow wants to be associated with him and everyone wants to be recognised as "knowing him."

Its a sad world we live in. And thats how the blog will survive. You need to tell. We need to pry into other peoples lives to either exclaim, silently smirk, be jealous of or challenge to be more recognised.

who?
jess

oNG, oNG-BaK & jiNgGLinG nOnA's

Dear jess,

Sometimes you’re so warped in your own life you forget that there are people out there like you, or like people you know. I went for a Portuguese wedding Saturday, its good, considering the last one I went was years and years ago at my cousins.

I have to admit. I hate Chinese weddings. And I love Portuguese weddings. The difference? Surmountable. A ten course dinner with people you either don’t know, couldn’t care less and food you actually paid to eat isn’t at all inspiring. Here’s how a typical Kristang wedding goes. Buffet dinner, and.. dance! From the jingling nona to the modern day boogying.

It’s been a great weekend of discoveries. You live 27 years of your life, and then you discover you’re 1/8th thai! Bizzare right? My dad’s grandpa married a thai chick. Im still in shock, shows you how much we chat with our dad… tsk tsk

Anyways, the wedding, ah yes. I’m still amazed that in the midst of people half like me, I can still be shocked utterly by them. Kristang people are the most relaxed, friendly, crude and funny people on the face of my planet. If you ever have a meet the in-laws, sessions they’re the last race you’d have to worry about.

So here we were taking photos and the photographer goes Cheese and the Portuegese lady at the right hand side goes Bosekufede! I mean I was flabbergasted, and then tickled. and then wowed at the realization that I’ve found people who are just like me, and speak like me and my grandmother. It was sheer joy.

As the night of discoveries it was, there was more discoveries I made of my dad. My dad, was probably the only Chinese man there, a rarity which I so enjoyed was officially the coolest dad on earth. I’ll tell you why. He danced. Not just a slow dance, or the ones with music from his time, but he was down on the dance floor boogying with me and my cousins!

The amazing part about the whole dance floor, was the adults, uncle’s, aunties, were the ones partying the hardest, dancing the most, and joking the most. Shame on us ‘clubbing people.’

After a whole night of tracing roots and whose realated to who I find it sad that someday this essence of Portuegese heritage wiill probably be lost on my children’s children. But if I’m 60 and I can be half of what my Kristang heritage is, id be glad! WOOO beranyu!

Bong!!!
Jess



UnrELiAbLE eNG- KRiSTaNG DiCTiONaRY

EngLiSh - KriSTANg
Portuguese People/Language in Malaysia - Kristang
Smelly Arse - Bosekufede
Dance - Beranyu
Good - Bong

nOw tHiS iS a CaKE!

amazing right? the cake has stairs, chapels, bridesmaids.....

gOinG tO d ChApEL..

the center part of the cake is the bride and groom at the 'chapel' awwww

iTs LikE pLayIng DoLLs aGaiN

the side exits of the cake, with the bridesmaids etc exiting down d stairs (!!!!!!!)

sitTiNg oN tHe bAbA nYonyA bEd..Or soMethIng

jerome, joshua, shaniz, elsa me and elaine (missed you aun and cheryl..)

as SomEonE i Kno wOuLd sAy "coOL beANs!" :)

LoSeR+AngER = CyNiCisM & fAiLuRE

dear jess,

im trying to trace how ive become cynical. In comparison to my half, i fade, right girl? See then ive come to realise how i have been cynical. Its because im always being dissapointed.

This week ive felt like the biggest loser on earth. Ill spare ME the details because it would make me feel like a loser all over again. See, there was a deal i made that revolves around work, and that has not transpired. Hence, ive lost all respect for bosses, women bosses, and even some christian bosses.

Someone once told me, its because i always see the good in people versus the bad. I find that hysterical. But there are perhaps ounces of truth in it, and the frequent mistreatment of my work and other parts of my life? id rather disregard than face a confrontation with the 'guilty' party. AND THEN it just eats and eats and eats me away till ive become so cycnical of the world around me and everything in it.

I go to meetings and i get annoyed at incompetent people, i go to farewells and churchy meets and i get annoyed at click-ish people who just think that life revolves around them, i get people who judge me and then thru my friends they say, oh yeah i think i was wrong, ill pray for her- hello, i never asked you to pray for me, and apologising to me, not my fren would be nice! See, i need to let those things out. Its making me rot inside.

At the end of the day. I feel like a loser. And whats the worse part? Since i hate confrontations, and fighting for my rights (somehow no prob fighting for other peoples rights..) im not sure how to go 'hey i dont think im being treated fairly' without first considering the consequences of my decision. I cant even throw up my hands and go i dont care.

Like i said. loser. Im not being dramatic. I cant help it if my life seemed that way, dont make it sound like thats my fault too. The worse part is that because of the 'failed' business dealings im gonna live off crumps and dust for the next few milleniums? Im sorry but there goes my dream to Spain. Sorry cynical half. i have no idea when we'll get to go.

yours disgusted,
jess

saMe sHoes, sAme tAsTe?

trio has everything the same, sigh well not always

giMME a piCk Up LiNE NOW!!

dear jess,

me and my inseparable beloved cousins went to the gym today. As usual we did our usual bitching and people staring, blaming everyone for taking so long at the machines etc, etc. AS we were sitting at the bar, in original intention to join the latin dance class, which idea was abandoned immediately looking at the instructor's body moving, there he was....

Elsa alerted us, and like the donkeys we were, we all checked him out at the same time. Of course lar, he noticed. nevermind, its not the first time us 3 musketeers have done something silly. As we went on to doing our routine, we managed to catch glimpses of him. glimpses were underated, my cousins sat there and stared at him working out! (yes them not me- yet)

As the story goes on, we move to the bar again to drink, and we got to talking about guys who knew girls were checking them out and did nothing about. Sigh, and being the post modern women that we were we opted to give our mysterious hunk elsa's number. Its not like its a first time we've done this! The only previous problems were the one guy i passed my cousins number too was gay, or attached. What the heck you only live once.

I decided after my two previous failures to take a back seat as elaine approached him. After our quick hit and run, which probably left him confused, he later came looking for us, and talked to us. The swedish-chinese hunk wasnt just plain gorgeus with a body to match, he was a cook! Whose specialty was french food. Tell me how does that not seem like a dream to you?

Cut the long story short, they went out on a date, and things apparently looks promising. In the meanwhile, elaine and i are filled with bitter jealousy and we wonder would it have made a difference if it was one of us who gave our number? Did he really eye her? Would he just have been head over heels because being approached is plain flattering? Like i said - jealousy.

Groan. In the meanwhile, Gustav (yeah the least sexy thing about him) and the whole idea of going "hi my cousin is interested in you and would like you to have her number" has set us to believe that guys don take the first step.

And whilst im not looking forward to any dates from some stranger, i cant help but to wonder...

ps. he's got brothers (wink wink)

love,
jess

tHe ShoEs fOLd n Go in A tiNY baG!

we love all things cute and unusual.. hmm i sense a pattern here..

sNap, sNap, SnaP..

dear jess,

the anorexiclly sexy chris martin of coldplay (not all buffed men are sexy, and not all skinny men are not) is a sight for sore eyes as he journeys to africa in support of the fast fuelling live 8 efforts. Iam at last, made aware!

Live 8 effort is building awarenes to the 8 political leaders of the current situation in africa namely poverty. So many children die every day one report said 15 in less than 5 minutes (thats one commercial break)! and the effort aims at three things.

The three issues that the artists and 'commoners' are aiming at are -in my lay men's explanation 1) avoid trade 'dumping' to african countries (food products ie. rice from other countries get dumped in africa at cheap prices, thus affecting the farming in their own country 2)increase and to give better aid (countries not giving enough as promised, and not good ones, ie education and health) 3)write off debts (complications would occur bc some places in africa can afford to pay back, thx to oil etc, and writing off=declaring bancruptcy=no future borrowing)

In support of Live 8, please visit http://www.live8live.com/whattodo/index.shtml or wear a white band (they're not sold here... go get the cheapo ones from McD's?) which i have of course previously refused to wear - it being so cliched with just about everyone wearing one! ish ish ish..

Educate yourself! feel free to educate me :) if you look like chris martin i'd pay more attention, but heck ill listen..

Ah! my second non selfish letter to you :) im getting better everyday.. haha

snap, snap, snap - a child dies every 3 seconds out of ectreme poverty.

yours,
jess

aS jULie aNdrEws oNce saiD "aDieu!"

dear jess,

in less than half an hour lives will change. In my moment of fleeting unselfishness i shall attempt to recapture truths of someone else other than just me. As im such a selfish arse, bear with me as words will fail my usually profound self! told you i was selfish didnt i?

How does one take time to appreciate another and attempt to be poignont? being the cynic that i am, it is good to pause and appreciate the few friends who actually do succesfully put up with me. You know, you have friends, and then you have friends.

This one was the other. The one that you could gripe about life's confusion and philosophies till 5 or seven in the morning, the one you can force to attempt bowling and subsequently laugh at when the ball ends up in the longkang, the one that wont laugh at your lame paranoia's and fears, the one that reassures you, the one that you can sit with your legs up on the couch over coffee and not worry about being yourself, the one that manages shopping and also talks on personal struggles, the one that didnt blink an eye knowing the worse side of you.

From artsy attempts of photo taking, to eating freebies at chillies, driving to unfound territories in the dead of night, then cowardly driving off, emotional breakdowns, thursday night readings and plannings, a 6 am breakfast, curry mee craze (still havent done our unc lim's), Road to Perdition appreciation session, Puchong goreng pisang ventures, an almost walk across the bridge highway but thanks to me being a coward, "what if" chat's, stupidly buying and loading a cupboard that couldnt fit the car, and who knows what else, my memory fails me.

Although circumstances changes our paths, it is always people who shape us, directly or indirectly. Ive shaped some paths im not so proud of and will always live that regret out. And in this undeserved circumstance, my path has been shaped too, by God's grace, awakening. For every single thing said here, a hundred things unsaid gets away. Simply because some things are not possible to be written and shouldn't even be.

As our paths take a slight change, and iam left with no one to bug with for some time, i shall not resolve to ending this letter with a cliched saying on friendship. Instead, ive been to the depths with this one and back. You know that. And with every ending comes a new beginning.

to that one person, Thanks ;) stay close to the pages of my diary.

Anything in any way beautiful derives its beauty from itself and asks nothing beyond itself. Praise is no part of it, for nothing is made worse or better by praise.
-Marcus Aelius Aurelius Antoninus

yours some slight miles away,
jess

DSM XXXXX

dear jess,

Histrionic Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions;
b. suggestibility, easily influenced by others or circumstances;
c. shallow and labile affectivity;
d. continual seeking for excitement, appreciation by others, and activities which the patient is the centre of attention;
e. inappropriate seductiveness in appearance or behaviour;

Dependant Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. encouraging or allowing others to make most of one's important life decisions;
b. subordination of one's own needs to those of others on whone one is dependent, and undue compliance with their wishes;
c. unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on the people one depends on;
d. feeling uncomfortable or helpless when alone, bc of exaggerated fears of inability to care for oneself;
e. preoccupation with fears of being abandoned by a person with whom one has a close relationship
f. limited capacity to make everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice & reassurance from others.

Dissatisfaction Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. Extreme dissatisfaction and boredom with daily routines of life
b. Extreme longing to be away from current location with intentions of never returning.
c. Extreme need to be anti social, without the need of making new friends, or being with the ones that the patient is already not close to.
d. Limited patience for people who are needy & attention seeking.
e. Frequently says and do things without prior thought or worry about subsequent consequences.
f. Views current life experiences and companions as just passing through until the patient pursues a new path in life.

* the writer holds a disclaimer for the first two disorders, whilst those are appropriate symptoms, all psychological treatments should be adviced face to face by medical professions.

First year in psycho class, on the first page the writer says, just like medic students, when you read some symptoms you will think you have some of those disorders! Its funny, i can almost swear i can name one or two persons for the disorders i know off. Of course, my name included.

Anyways, i need my daily dose of happy pill. Life is starting to be so extremely unbearable in a bearable way. Its difficult perhaps not wanting to be some big shot in a company or doing something of a routine in my life that when the unroutined becomes a routine, its dreadful.

Its funny i noticed tonight. Society accepts you as a working adult only when you have a 9-5. Or when you have that wonderful routine to go to.

Sigh. everyday i understand a little about how people can kill themselves for no reason. I think its simply because they ran out of reasons to live. Their lives must have been full of routine, and they probably scheduled the suicide at 5pm, after work of course.

Hi, my name is jess, and i have dissatisfaction personality disorder. Everyday i shall invent new disorders for people like me :) Now all i have to do is come up with medications.

ps. DSM is a the manual used by psychologists for reference.. The latest i think is a DSM IV or V

in boredom,
jess

gRoANNNnnnnnNNN

dear jess,

its 4.45 am, i havent planned for class which technically is today, and yet i would rather write you a letter!

Enough of nosensical philosophies. Actually i do have one in my head right now. Just to lazy to tell you. SIGH. i need a cup of ipoh white coffee but that means moving my lazy bum downstairs. Speaking of lazy, i have to pay an extra 907 RM for my laziness. Ask not for elaboration. im too lazy.

This is officially my first non-serious, non deep in thought, non anything letter to you. Appreciate it. it wont last.

yours non-sensically,
jess

nOw cAn i PaNiC? pLEaSe?

dear jess,

sometimes your worse fear may not be who you wont become but who you do become. Haven't you heard stories of abused children who just end up abusing their own children? Ive seen glimpses of it, if i might say so myself. Everyone knows the classic ragging story at uni, when you get 'tortured' at orientation and you hear your peers swearing off future raggings, yet they do it the following year, probably to a heightened degree?! dont you think its just dumb that torture, fears etcetera just reinforces more torture, fears and etceteras..

i can tear my hair just thinking at the thought of this irony.Its annoying and psychologist have an explanation for this, which once again doesnt make sense. ps. psychologists never have answers just more questions..

i adore my mum to bits. now here's the scary part. before you think im going to make the statement that i might be becoming like her, thats not what i was going to say. When i was younger and gutsier, i use to scold her for certain paranoid fears that she had. She would probably kill me if you knew what it was, but she would always go 'thank God you were there when it happened otherwise i would've panicked'

Id just brush that off and think sheesh what was so frightening about that? Yes, you've guessed it, i think the vicious cycle of unexplanaible paranoid panic attacks have finally reached me.

It can be something so tiny and the worse part is the first thing that goes through my mind, is oh gosh how am i going to handle this all by myself? Crippling. I think i should get my psychologist on the line now, if i had one. And even then she wouldnt have any answers either. I think i may be having another panic attack soon.. haha, i amuse myself.

yours,
buster (a.k.a arrested development)

cHickEN

so cute..i mean the chicken..

haNgiNG pUpPeTs

meet d ugly man, the pig, the lion , the cat and the hen, giving us our first good breakthrough with the class SIGHHHH finally..

cOoL!

meet the telephone charger that charges form the comp! i didnt even know there was such an invention! hmm now if only i can figure why the wires wont go back in..

FLiEs fOr snACks & poIsOn fOr tEa

dear jess,

do you remember about the story, excuse me, i meant the experiment about the frog that got dumped in the water blah blah blah, he got cooked? Well have you ever wondered how sometimes change comes so slowly in our lives, that we dont realised what hits us, even when we look back?

Sometimes its quite sad, and in a world where just about anything is justifiable, some changes are hard to swallow. We become more 'corrupted' and then we realise, that our once inflammed idealism has long gone, drowned somewhere after the it was okay to copy in the exams and the 'minor' office politics we got our hands dirty in.

Then theres the way we treat people. when us ugly toads got soaked in that to-be boiling pot of water, we were nice and we believed that people were generally good. As the heat grew, we saw the conniving, double sided face of humans and the boiling made our skins so thick that we would hit back harder.

Idealism and false realities start to boil away as people start justifying flirting, affairs, just about anything really! And maybe change isnt necesarily so hasty as we hear the "I didnt do it!" phrase when we were 6 years old. Except now, we really believe we didnt do it.

Because everything around us usually relates to human relationships, before we know it people we were once close to aren't anymore, morales we used to stand up for is a vague memory, and people we love or loved us sometimes dont anymore.

And if what i say has any ounce of truth in it, it wont matter cos things will change, wont it?

rriibbbiiittt,
jess

sPeaKinG oF mEn..

this was and is BO BICE IN HIS YOUNGER DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hot or not?? walau eh.. sighhh ok ok ive embarassed myself enough (flutterrrrr flutterrrr) ps. his real name is Bogart..hmm so much for sexy

iTs rAinInG mEN!!!!!!!!!!

dear jess,

Ive been having some retrospective last few days, with no best frens by to share it with. Hence the letter, i suppose. Its difficult to express what i want to say to you. Most of it are already well known facts just repeated throughout history. You'd think that people learned from their mistakes right? well they dont. Human beings are self destructive.

Why do women fall in love with the wrong men, wait for them patiently just for a glimmer of hope and when that glimmer appears, they jump to their feet and dive in head first, only to land in a swimming pool without water. I thought women would've evolved into self sufficient creatures that beyond the pretense of independence and self-suffiency, they really are independent and self-sufficient. Dissapointment sinks in.

ive heard women talk about men who dont get 'it' that they're not interested but ive also known men who can be 'hot' one minute and stone cold the next. Men who can't stay loyal, and women who are happy wit no-strings attached relationships. Men who've been with that one women for decades and no one knows anything about her and women who arent ready to commit...

Maybe its just a human problem not a gender one. Sometimes i wished people were just honest and they'd just say 'hey i used to like you but i dont anymore' or 'hey im a jerk and im cheating but if you dont mind, im ok with it'

Im not kidding. Its better to be an honest jerk than just a jerk (men and women alike). Meanwhile, it feels like a drought, and maybe thats a pretty good thing. I've come to a point when i've had to witness emotional break downs and drama's that were grieving. Ive never seen such pain that was worse than that of a death. That's what we are, self destructive all for the sake of the hope of love? Ah, my road to bitterness and cynic lives on. Haha....

yours,
jess

cRossiNg thE bRiDgE

church camp- GO MAD = Go Out & Make A Difference...

hOt spRingS

hot springs with err hot people?? :)

mInE aLL miNE!!

whilst yellow & black (refers to the seed and the skin colour!) was busy killing each other off, the silent one was winning... sighh

mY mEn

...and i was too busy admiring these cuties.. SOOO cuteee

ArEaL viEw

ouR LAnD!!! haha.. sigh (geek mode end) ps. when shall we play again guyssss?????

tHerEs noThinG fReE aBout fReE wiLL!!

dear jess,

pray do tell, which is worse. Knowing what you want and not being able to have it OR never knowing what you want? What happens if i come to a point in my life when it suddenly dawns on me that i know who i want to spend the rest of my life with, or where i want to live for the rest of my life and what kinda job i wanna do but i cant have any of them? what then?

Or worse yet, i go through the rest of my life never knowing what i want, who i want to be with, where i want to live or what i want to do with the rest of my earthly live.

Free will is overrated. God forgive me for such a statement. Sometimes i wish my life was dictated, and having someone have a final say over it gives me the right to blame him for making such decisions over me. Whilst at the same time not having to think so hard. And in the meanwhile, i can whine and bitch about such unfairness inflicted upon me.

Maybe sometimes iam a combination of those two. My heart knows what it wants and my head doesnt, or vice versa. So what happens when you know what you want but cant have it whilst at the same time not knowing if what you want is really what you want? Confused? Exactly.

Like they say, there's nothing free in this world.

ironically,
jess

vAcAncY: nEw gUYs nEeDed

beautiful girls.. and the rest

hOt couSIn wiTH gOgGLe MAn!

cousin: what the heck are you wearing?
goggle man: wEi tHis oNE aHHH 900 DoH-rarr K?
cousin: then why you still look like that?

pApAraZzi sTriKes

nice, lovely day with the rain tapping violently and us girls having coffee, yeah yeah with the silent photographer..

tHe siLent pHotogRapHer??

the paparazzi takes a break at what feels like a diner in america..... or in a road to perdition shot... WOOO maybe i make a better photographer.. hehe

roUgH niTe aT tHe jUngLE

dancing= running on the treadmill

18 SG

dear jess,

sometimes i wonder, if growing older also means that we outgrow our integrity. Or the more life experiences we acquire, the more immature we become. Im pretty sure it is. How else would you explain grown adults in politics throwing chairs at each other.

Sometimes i wonder if having a profesional degree means being stupid in other areas, or if being adults mean that we can do something and see how far we can get away with it, as long as we dont get caught.

Sometimes i wonder if growing older means just being able to talk your way out of something or justifying evertything else, Or telling our adult self that evrything is not a complete right or wrong.

Next time someone i know celebrates their 21 the card will read "welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood, where you will soon loose your integrity, respect for other people, your basic concepts of right and wrong, your ability to guard somebody else's heart and etc, etc. But dont worry, you will be able to get away with it, with some reasoning, justifying, and of course if that doesnt work, you can always laugh it off at the end, and turn back time, and claim ignorance."

yours all grown up, unfortunately,
jess