nOw tHiS iS a CaKE!

amazing right? the cake has stairs, chapels, bridesmaids.....

gOinG tO d ChApEL..

the center part of the cake is the bride and groom at the 'chapel' awwww

iTs LikE pLayIng DoLLs aGaiN

the side exits of the cake, with the bridesmaids etc exiting down d stairs (!!!!!!!)

sitTiNg oN tHe bAbA nYonyA bEd..Or soMethIng

jerome, joshua, shaniz, elsa me and elaine (missed you aun and cheryl..)

as SomEonE i Kno wOuLd sAy "coOL beANs!" :)

LoSeR+AngER = CyNiCisM & fAiLuRE

dear jess,

im trying to trace how ive become cynical. In comparison to my half, i fade, right girl? See then ive come to realise how i have been cynical. Its because im always being dissapointed.

This week ive felt like the biggest loser on earth. Ill spare ME the details because it would make me feel like a loser all over again. See, there was a deal i made that revolves around work, and that has not transpired. Hence, ive lost all respect for bosses, women bosses, and even some christian bosses.

Someone once told me, its because i always see the good in people versus the bad. I find that hysterical. But there are perhaps ounces of truth in it, and the frequent mistreatment of my work and other parts of my life? id rather disregard than face a confrontation with the 'guilty' party. AND THEN it just eats and eats and eats me away till ive become so cycnical of the world around me and everything in it.

I go to meetings and i get annoyed at incompetent people, i go to farewells and churchy meets and i get annoyed at click-ish people who just think that life revolves around them, i get people who judge me and then thru my friends they say, oh yeah i think i was wrong, ill pray for her- hello, i never asked you to pray for me, and apologising to me, not my fren would be nice! See, i need to let those things out. Its making me rot inside.

At the end of the day. I feel like a loser. And whats the worse part? Since i hate confrontations, and fighting for my rights (somehow no prob fighting for other peoples rights..) im not sure how to go 'hey i dont think im being treated fairly' without first considering the consequences of my decision. I cant even throw up my hands and go i dont care.

Like i said. loser. Im not being dramatic. I cant help it if my life seemed that way, dont make it sound like thats my fault too. The worse part is that because of the 'failed' business dealings im gonna live off crumps and dust for the next few milleniums? Im sorry but there goes my dream to Spain. Sorry cynical half. i have no idea when we'll get to go.

yours disgusted,
jess

saMe sHoes, sAme tAsTe?

trio has everything the same, sigh well not always

giMME a piCk Up LiNE NOW!!

dear jess,

me and my inseparable beloved cousins went to the gym today. As usual we did our usual bitching and people staring, blaming everyone for taking so long at the machines etc, etc. AS we were sitting at the bar, in original intention to join the latin dance class, which idea was abandoned immediately looking at the instructor's body moving, there he was....

Elsa alerted us, and like the donkeys we were, we all checked him out at the same time. Of course lar, he noticed. nevermind, its not the first time us 3 musketeers have done something silly. As we went on to doing our routine, we managed to catch glimpses of him. glimpses were underated, my cousins sat there and stared at him working out! (yes them not me- yet)

As the story goes on, we move to the bar again to drink, and we got to talking about guys who knew girls were checking them out and did nothing about. Sigh, and being the post modern women that we were we opted to give our mysterious hunk elsa's number. Its not like its a first time we've done this! The only previous problems were the one guy i passed my cousins number too was gay, or attached. What the heck you only live once.

I decided after my two previous failures to take a back seat as elaine approached him. After our quick hit and run, which probably left him confused, he later came looking for us, and talked to us. The swedish-chinese hunk wasnt just plain gorgeus with a body to match, he was a cook! Whose specialty was french food. Tell me how does that not seem like a dream to you?

Cut the long story short, they went out on a date, and things apparently looks promising. In the meanwhile, elaine and i are filled with bitter jealousy and we wonder would it have made a difference if it was one of us who gave our number? Did he really eye her? Would he just have been head over heels because being approached is plain flattering? Like i said - jealousy.

Groan. In the meanwhile, Gustav (yeah the least sexy thing about him) and the whole idea of going "hi my cousin is interested in you and would like you to have her number" has set us to believe that guys don take the first step.

And whilst im not looking forward to any dates from some stranger, i cant help but to wonder...

ps. he's got brothers (wink wink)

love,
jess

tHe ShoEs fOLd n Go in A tiNY baG!

we love all things cute and unusual.. hmm i sense a pattern here..

sNap, sNap, SnaP..

dear jess,

the anorexiclly sexy chris martin of coldplay (not all buffed men are sexy, and not all skinny men are not) is a sight for sore eyes as he journeys to africa in support of the fast fuelling live 8 efforts. Iam at last, made aware!

Live 8 effort is building awarenes to the 8 political leaders of the current situation in africa namely poverty. So many children die every day one report said 15 in less than 5 minutes (thats one commercial break)! and the effort aims at three things.

The three issues that the artists and 'commoners' are aiming at are -in my lay men's explanation 1) avoid trade 'dumping' to african countries (food products ie. rice from other countries get dumped in africa at cheap prices, thus affecting the farming in their own country 2)increase and to give better aid (countries not giving enough as promised, and not good ones, ie education and health) 3)write off debts (complications would occur bc some places in africa can afford to pay back, thx to oil etc, and writing off=declaring bancruptcy=no future borrowing)

In support of Live 8, please visit http://www.live8live.com/whattodo/index.shtml or wear a white band (they're not sold here... go get the cheapo ones from McD's?) which i have of course previously refused to wear - it being so cliched with just about everyone wearing one! ish ish ish..

Educate yourself! feel free to educate me :) if you look like chris martin i'd pay more attention, but heck ill listen..

Ah! my second non selfish letter to you :) im getting better everyday.. haha

snap, snap, snap - a child dies every 3 seconds out of ectreme poverty.

yours,
jess

aS jULie aNdrEws oNce saiD "aDieu!"

dear jess,

in less than half an hour lives will change. In my moment of fleeting unselfishness i shall attempt to recapture truths of someone else other than just me. As im such a selfish arse, bear with me as words will fail my usually profound self! told you i was selfish didnt i?

How does one take time to appreciate another and attempt to be poignont? being the cynic that i am, it is good to pause and appreciate the few friends who actually do succesfully put up with me. You know, you have friends, and then you have friends.

This one was the other. The one that you could gripe about life's confusion and philosophies till 5 or seven in the morning, the one you can force to attempt bowling and subsequently laugh at when the ball ends up in the longkang, the one that wont laugh at your lame paranoia's and fears, the one that reassures you, the one that you can sit with your legs up on the couch over coffee and not worry about being yourself, the one that manages shopping and also talks on personal struggles, the one that didnt blink an eye knowing the worse side of you.

From artsy attempts of photo taking, to eating freebies at chillies, driving to unfound territories in the dead of night, then cowardly driving off, emotional breakdowns, thursday night readings and plannings, a 6 am breakfast, curry mee craze (still havent done our unc lim's), Road to Perdition appreciation session, Puchong goreng pisang ventures, an almost walk across the bridge highway but thanks to me being a coward, "what if" chat's, stupidly buying and loading a cupboard that couldnt fit the car, and who knows what else, my memory fails me.

Although circumstances changes our paths, it is always people who shape us, directly or indirectly. Ive shaped some paths im not so proud of and will always live that regret out. And in this undeserved circumstance, my path has been shaped too, by God's grace, awakening. For every single thing said here, a hundred things unsaid gets away. Simply because some things are not possible to be written and shouldn't even be.

As our paths take a slight change, and iam left with no one to bug with for some time, i shall not resolve to ending this letter with a cliched saying on friendship. Instead, ive been to the depths with this one and back. You know that. And with every ending comes a new beginning.

to that one person, Thanks ;) stay close to the pages of my diary.

Anything in any way beautiful derives its beauty from itself and asks nothing beyond itself. Praise is no part of it, for nothing is made worse or better by praise.
-Marcus Aelius Aurelius Antoninus

yours some slight miles away,
jess

DSM XXXXX

dear jess,

Histrionic Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions;
b. suggestibility, easily influenced by others or circumstances;
c. shallow and labile affectivity;
d. continual seeking for excitement, appreciation by others, and activities which the patient is the centre of attention;
e. inappropriate seductiveness in appearance or behaviour;

Dependant Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. encouraging or allowing others to make most of one's important life decisions;
b. subordination of one's own needs to those of others on whone one is dependent, and undue compliance with their wishes;
c. unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on the people one depends on;
d. feeling uncomfortable or helpless when alone, bc of exaggerated fears of inability to care for oneself;
e. preoccupation with fears of being abandoned by a person with whom one has a close relationship
f. limited capacity to make everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice & reassurance from others.

Dissatisfaction Personality Disorder is charactherized by at least 3 of the following:

a. Extreme dissatisfaction and boredom with daily routines of life
b. Extreme longing to be away from current location with intentions of never returning.
c. Extreme need to be anti social, without the need of making new friends, or being with the ones that the patient is already not close to.
d. Limited patience for people who are needy & attention seeking.
e. Frequently says and do things without prior thought or worry about subsequent consequences.
f. Views current life experiences and companions as just passing through until the patient pursues a new path in life.

* the writer holds a disclaimer for the first two disorders, whilst those are appropriate symptoms, all psychological treatments should be adviced face to face by medical professions.

First year in psycho class, on the first page the writer says, just like medic students, when you read some symptoms you will think you have some of those disorders! Its funny, i can almost swear i can name one or two persons for the disorders i know off. Of course, my name included.

Anyways, i need my daily dose of happy pill. Life is starting to be so extremely unbearable in a bearable way. Its difficult perhaps not wanting to be some big shot in a company or doing something of a routine in my life that when the unroutined becomes a routine, its dreadful.

Its funny i noticed tonight. Society accepts you as a working adult only when you have a 9-5. Or when you have that wonderful routine to go to.

Sigh. everyday i understand a little about how people can kill themselves for no reason. I think its simply because they ran out of reasons to live. Their lives must have been full of routine, and they probably scheduled the suicide at 5pm, after work of course.

Hi, my name is jess, and i have dissatisfaction personality disorder. Everyday i shall invent new disorders for people like me :) Now all i have to do is come up with medications.

ps. DSM is a the manual used by psychologists for reference.. The latest i think is a DSM IV or V

in boredom,
jess

gRoANNNnnnnnNNN

dear jess,

its 4.45 am, i havent planned for class which technically is today, and yet i would rather write you a letter!

Enough of nosensical philosophies. Actually i do have one in my head right now. Just to lazy to tell you. SIGH. i need a cup of ipoh white coffee but that means moving my lazy bum downstairs. Speaking of lazy, i have to pay an extra 907 RM for my laziness. Ask not for elaboration. im too lazy.

This is officially my first non-serious, non deep in thought, non anything letter to you. Appreciate it. it wont last.

yours non-sensically,
jess

nOw cAn i PaNiC? pLEaSe?

dear jess,

sometimes your worse fear may not be who you wont become but who you do become. Haven't you heard stories of abused children who just end up abusing their own children? Ive seen glimpses of it, if i might say so myself. Everyone knows the classic ragging story at uni, when you get 'tortured' at orientation and you hear your peers swearing off future raggings, yet they do it the following year, probably to a heightened degree?! dont you think its just dumb that torture, fears etcetera just reinforces more torture, fears and etceteras..

i can tear my hair just thinking at the thought of this irony.Its annoying and psychologist have an explanation for this, which once again doesnt make sense. ps. psychologists never have answers just more questions..

i adore my mum to bits. now here's the scary part. before you think im going to make the statement that i might be becoming like her, thats not what i was going to say. When i was younger and gutsier, i use to scold her for certain paranoid fears that she had. She would probably kill me if you knew what it was, but she would always go 'thank God you were there when it happened otherwise i would've panicked'

Id just brush that off and think sheesh what was so frightening about that? Yes, you've guessed it, i think the vicious cycle of unexplanaible paranoid panic attacks have finally reached me.

It can be something so tiny and the worse part is the first thing that goes through my mind, is oh gosh how am i going to handle this all by myself? Crippling. I think i should get my psychologist on the line now, if i had one. And even then she wouldnt have any answers either. I think i may be having another panic attack soon.. haha, i amuse myself.

yours,
buster (a.k.a arrested development)

cHickEN

so cute..i mean the chicken..

haNgiNG pUpPeTs

meet d ugly man, the pig, the lion , the cat and the hen, giving us our first good breakthrough with the class SIGHHHH finally..

cOoL!

meet the telephone charger that charges form the comp! i didnt even know there was such an invention! hmm now if only i can figure why the wires wont go back in..

FLiEs fOr snACks & poIsOn fOr tEa

dear jess,

do you remember about the story, excuse me, i meant the experiment about the frog that got dumped in the water blah blah blah, he got cooked? Well have you ever wondered how sometimes change comes so slowly in our lives, that we dont realised what hits us, even when we look back?

Sometimes its quite sad, and in a world where just about anything is justifiable, some changes are hard to swallow. We become more 'corrupted' and then we realise, that our once inflammed idealism has long gone, drowned somewhere after the it was okay to copy in the exams and the 'minor' office politics we got our hands dirty in.

Then theres the way we treat people. when us ugly toads got soaked in that to-be boiling pot of water, we were nice and we believed that people were generally good. As the heat grew, we saw the conniving, double sided face of humans and the boiling made our skins so thick that we would hit back harder.

Idealism and false realities start to boil away as people start justifying flirting, affairs, just about anything really! And maybe change isnt necesarily so hasty as we hear the "I didnt do it!" phrase when we were 6 years old. Except now, we really believe we didnt do it.

Because everything around us usually relates to human relationships, before we know it people we were once close to aren't anymore, morales we used to stand up for is a vague memory, and people we love or loved us sometimes dont anymore.

And if what i say has any ounce of truth in it, it wont matter cos things will change, wont it?

rriibbbiiittt,
jess

sPeaKinG oF mEn..

this was and is BO BICE IN HIS YOUNGER DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hot or not?? walau eh.. sighhh ok ok ive embarassed myself enough (flutterrrrr flutterrrr) ps. his real name is Bogart..hmm so much for sexy

iTs rAinInG mEN!!!!!!!!!!

dear jess,

Ive been having some retrospective last few days, with no best frens by to share it with. Hence the letter, i suppose. Its difficult to express what i want to say to you. Most of it are already well known facts just repeated throughout history. You'd think that people learned from their mistakes right? well they dont. Human beings are self destructive.

Why do women fall in love with the wrong men, wait for them patiently just for a glimmer of hope and when that glimmer appears, they jump to their feet and dive in head first, only to land in a swimming pool without water. I thought women would've evolved into self sufficient creatures that beyond the pretense of independence and self-suffiency, they really are independent and self-sufficient. Dissapointment sinks in.

ive heard women talk about men who dont get 'it' that they're not interested but ive also known men who can be 'hot' one minute and stone cold the next. Men who can't stay loyal, and women who are happy wit no-strings attached relationships. Men who've been with that one women for decades and no one knows anything about her and women who arent ready to commit...

Maybe its just a human problem not a gender one. Sometimes i wished people were just honest and they'd just say 'hey i used to like you but i dont anymore' or 'hey im a jerk and im cheating but if you dont mind, im ok with it'

Im not kidding. Its better to be an honest jerk than just a jerk (men and women alike). Meanwhile, it feels like a drought, and maybe thats a pretty good thing. I've come to a point when i've had to witness emotional break downs and drama's that were grieving. Ive never seen such pain that was worse than that of a death. That's what we are, self destructive all for the sake of the hope of love? Ah, my road to bitterness and cynic lives on. Haha....

yours,
jess

cRossiNg thE bRiDgE

church camp- GO MAD = Go Out & Make A Difference...

hOt spRingS

hot springs with err hot people?? :)

mInE aLL miNE!!

whilst yellow & black (refers to the seed and the skin colour!) was busy killing each other off, the silent one was winning... sighh

mY mEn

...and i was too busy admiring these cuties.. SOOO cuteee

ArEaL viEw

ouR LAnD!!! haha.. sigh (geek mode end) ps. when shall we play again guyssss?????

tHerEs noThinG fReE aBout fReE wiLL!!

dear jess,

pray do tell, which is worse. Knowing what you want and not being able to have it OR never knowing what you want? What happens if i come to a point in my life when it suddenly dawns on me that i know who i want to spend the rest of my life with, or where i want to live for the rest of my life and what kinda job i wanna do but i cant have any of them? what then?

Or worse yet, i go through the rest of my life never knowing what i want, who i want to be with, where i want to live or what i want to do with the rest of my earthly live.

Free will is overrated. God forgive me for such a statement. Sometimes i wish my life was dictated, and having someone have a final say over it gives me the right to blame him for making such decisions over me. Whilst at the same time not having to think so hard. And in the meanwhile, i can whine and bitch about such unfairness inflicted upon me.

Maybe sometimes iam a combination of those two. My heart knows what it wants and my head doesnt, or vice versa. So what happens when you know what you want but cant have it whilst at the same time not knowing if what you want is really what you want? Confused? Exactly.

Like they say, there's nothing free in this world.

ironically,
jess

vAcAncY: nEw gUYs nEeDed

beautiful girls.. and the rest

hOt couSIn wiTH gOgGLe MAn!

cousin: what the heck are you wearing?
goggle man: wEi tHis oNE aHHH 900 DoH-rarr K?
cousin: then why you still look like that?

pApAraZzi sTriKes

nice, lovely day with the rain tapping violently and us girls having coffee, yeah yeah with the silent photographer..

tHe siLent pHotogRapHer??

the paparazzi takes a break at what feels like a diner in america..... or in a road to perdition shot... WOOO maybe i make a better photographer.. hehe

roUgH niTe aT tHe jUngLE

dancing= running on the treadmill

18 SG

dear jess,

sometimes i wonder, if growing older also means that we outgrow our integrity. Or the more life experiences we acquire, the more immature we become. Im pretty sure it is. How else would you explain grown adults in politics throwing chairs at each other.

Sometimes i wonder if having a profesional degree means being stupid in other areas, or if being adults mean that we can do something and see how far we can get away with it, as long as we dont get caught.

Sometimes i wonder if growing older means just being able to talk your way out of something or justifying evertything else, Or telling our adult self that evrything is not a complete right or wrong.

Next time someone i know celebrates their 21 the card will read "welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood, where you will soon loose your integrity, respect for other people, your basic concepts of right and wrong, your ability to guard somebody else's heart and etc, etc. But dont worry, you will be able to get away with it, with some reasoning, justifying, and of course if that doesnt work, you can always laugh it off at the end, and turn back time, and claim ignorance."

yours all grown up, unfortunately,
jess

tHe mAn iN mY LiFe rEcEnTLy..

he sings me to sleep every nightt AHHHHHHH
thanks my c-half, its one of the bestest burf-day gifts
ever!

cHiLLy & chOcoLatE anYonE?

wont tell you how it tastes, go imagine. The dark
chocs good tho. Ah tim tams, the love of my life..
advice - never buy the ones made in indonesia.

eVeRy eNtRaNcE tO mY hEArT hAs 10 ExiTs

dear jess,

ive written and re-written this, unable to capture my emotions, without harming the emotions of others. What I felt? Immense anger. Ive always been a personal person, and for good reasons to as I can see today. If had it my way, if I got married no one would be invited. To me that’s not a social event. How I fell in love, in hate, in mistakes, none of it is anyone’s business unless I made it so.

I guess every idiot has its day, including me. I trusted someone. Odd, I had that doubt nagging me at the back. That’s the last time I give anyone a second chance. Alas, now its gone a step further, my life has been retold in some form. Sweet.

I could spew on and on about how angry I am and perhaps equalize the anger here, and so everyone knows. Whats it worth. That’s silly aint it? Im sure people have their explanations that even me in my fury can see. Im sure people have explanations for accidentally telling someone else your intimate thoughts, im sure people have explanations for hearing someone’s intimate thoughts and telling everyone else, even indirectly, yes im sure they do. None of them would satisfy me though.

Now bugger off, and let me grow old cynical, angry, and not trusting the world anymore. My anger is not because I couldn’t trust, but the irony that some people can think that private issues can be made public. In addition, sometimes it implicates other people than me. My life and the lives of other people are never public material.

There it goes. When and if, I get married, have kids, and die, you will be sent a postcard, if you’re lucky.

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.
-Henry Ford


Yours when anger doesnt even describe,
jess

tHe aNti pRoZaC dRuG cOuLd bE tHE aNsWeR

dear jess,

do you realize that our lives revolve around bitching about something? That if we are truly, truly happy it doesn’t make any sense? I know its bizarre but it seems so wrong to say that everything in your life is going great, and you wouldn’t want to change it, well of course except for the occasional extraordinary people who win some reality show (what is entertainment becomin these days, lets talk about that some other day over a dollop of affogato)

If someone succeeds we silently curse him and in the back of your, fine, my mind you, i mean i, will list all his faults. And here's one, we hate chirpy people, i mean seriously what is their problem???? Can't they stop smiling so much, im pretty sure there's someone dying unjustified in an unknown country somewhere, while their smirk becomes engraved.

We love the fact that people annoy us and there are those that are so stupid we can become angry over, or give them a piece of our mind. A perfect world seems kinda far fetched and, err not so interesting?

I mean where then would all the people we bitched about end up? Who would we make fun off if there wasn’t a "im to old to go clubbin guy" at rum jungle who dances like there's a "cockroach in his pants" with tennis shoes, hands up in the air, to a song that was popular during the stone age; or what kind of conversations would we have if it wasn’t over the idiocy of the guy at the gym who asks you to follow the rules that makes no sense, but he tells you to do it with determination.

And seriously, who would we be left to bitch about if there wasn’t those annoyingly happy people that can't turn a smile into a frown?
Imperfectness. Its a drug. Or maybe our 'true happiness' comes from other peoples horrid miseries or this imperfection helps us appreciate the good times in our lives. Who knows.

Right now I’ll just look forward to all my little joys in life from Starbucks to eating Italian tomorrow with my cynical half and the "bloke wit the case of the mysterious missing autographed CD" (that’s another story altogether) WHislT we three perhaps bitch about the miseries of life, and people...

"Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed."
-Charles Baudelaire

love, or should i say hate?? :)
jess

wHiRLpOoL oF dEsIrE

dear jess,

there's no sudden desire to write to you today, but i will try perhaps just to fulfill the satisfaction that i have written something.

See also : People pleaser, Pathetic & Desperate.

Its interesting to see how people think just by reading what they write. There's always the usual people chatting about their love lives, or rather the lack of it, the pressures of marriage, and so on so forth that i find rather tiring. I suppose i myself can go into it, and make a list of who i want to end up with, where i want to get married, and name all my kids, which probably i already have at the back of my mind only to be dissapointed, that my life wont turn out the way i planned it.

See also : Wedding, Sex, Romance, Names For Little Boys and Girls.

Moving on. I can write you another immensely depressing letter about my past hurts pains and torments but ive already done that, plus i had Starbucks today and Starbucks always puts a smile on my face, so there goes my painful inspiration much needed for some form of artisticness otherwise non-existant.

See also : Frappucino, Deppresion and Prozac.

I can write you my future dreams, my hopes, etc etc. But that sounds so boring or too exciting that i fear it might never come true. Or perhaps im in a state where time feels like its paused and there's nothing much to look forward too.

See also: Self-Pity, Time Travel and Idiots Guide to becoming a succesful person

So i dont have anything significant to write. But you read this anyway. Ill come back again when im inspired. If that happens.

See also: Idiot.

yours,
jess

wEdDinG bLiSS

drAmA qUeEns

mY dArLiNg gAviN, WHeRe ArT tHOu??

Dear jess,

Ive gone to three places, and loads of other illegal outlets, when I asked if they’ve seen Gavin they all either tell me no, or ask me to look elsewhere. Today was the most depressing, not only did they say no they don’t have him, they say that loads of other people have come in asking for him!

His name is Gavin deGraw, my latest infatuation. And if you haven’t heard him you probably heard Bo Bice sing his “I don’t wanna be.” They play gavin on the radio so much, lately with ‘Chariot” and yet, no Cd’s fake or real here.

The fact that other people are looking for it and there isn’t any makes me want him more. This aussie chap, has a lovely, sexy, infectious voice that makes me sigh, or smile, most of the time both.

In my spur of desperation I remembered I asked my cynical half to get it.. but I wasn’t sure if she did, and at that very moement she could be on the plane back already! So I message her only to find out she did get it for me!! And she said I’d be extra happy, ill find out why later.. I cant figure it out, unless of course she’s bringing gavin back for me to..

So ive heard only two full songs of Gavin, and snippets of others, but im shaking with excitement and anticipation to get it! No one else is going to get to loan it, the last time that happened with my much beloved Third Day Cd, from US, the answer I got back is “eh dunno where” “want me to burn you a copy?” Yes im still upset over it..

yours in a sweet chariot,
jess

iN a GaLaXy fAr FaR FaRRRRRRRR awAY

dear jess,

geeek alert coming up. i watched star wars premier yesterday, after my beloved (must lar now..) danny offered me and kit free tix. Just the week before i heard the church guys chatting about their much anticipated show that they will watch tonight and here i was thinking, wow, luck must be on my side, a handful of guys i know would kill me to watch it a day before everyone else.

there's always something that gets me when the music comes on and the words begin to roll on the screen, the classic memories of episodes 4,5 and 6 comes back again. Anyways, after free pop corn, coke and the movie, i found myself grabbing for a free poster! sigh the things i do, i got the last copy of the 'nice' poster that wasnt torn.

So here's the thing, i know a friend who loves star wars more than me. And whilst im not referring to a best friend who made me watch episode one 3 times in the cinema.. i started to ask myself. Do i really want the poster because i know i have something that is of value to someone else, which as i speak the poster has just seconds ago fallen off from my door.. stupid blu tag. Or do i really want it, because i liked it too?

Sigh, i have an odd guilt conscience and i couldnt live with the fact that i knew i would have something i know someone else would love more than me, but at the same time i realised i didnt want to give mine up either.. so what did i do?

On my way out, i saw a bunch of posters, but they werent being given out.. so i drove past, and when the other cinemas were out, i pushed my friend next to to me out of the car to go get another one! She was kinda rejected the first time, so she asked again, this time to someone else.

So there it goes, i have two now, and im giving one away. So if anyone wants the 'perfect' untorn huge nice poster of Star Wars episode 3.. u can go fly a kite.. or of course you can watch it at tgv, which apparently is giving out posters for every ticket you buy. Darn all this and probably the dude im giving the poster would watch the show at tgv just to get it.

All this for something that will land in my rubbish bin in a few years time. Sigh, oh well, I shall go bask in the satisfaction that i got to watch it first before alot of hard core fans. im so full of myself.. lovely.

yours,

jess

iVe diScOvErED wHaT LeAvEs mE SpEecHLeSs..

dear jess,

i hate writting too many letters in a short span of time, because i usually think that the previous letter makes a much better read, especially in this instance, and i figure people would skip reading that. However, i have discovered the one thing that made me absolutely speechless tonight.

i ironed an absolutely difficult pants, wore heels, willingly got lost in KL to watch a play i was looking forward to. Its been a while since i stepped into a theatre and the feeling gave me joy again- shortlived.

The play opened with a guy who was shouting, as it seems i think he thought he was projecting his voice. He then starts to limp and after two seconds of pushing the thought that im being a perfectionist, he stops limping. So was he suppose to limp? Ok nevermind. Then the whole family goes on stage, says lots of line, the plot goes no where, actors are shouting, the conversations were as fake as pamela anderson's front, the ligths were going off at the wrong time, the setting looked worse than that of a school play (im very defemsive of school plays these days haha)....

For the first time ever, i found myself looking at the curtain, counting the lights rigged up there, and like in an episode of Simpsons, my mind said "you can stay here but im leaving." Then there it was, intermission, i turned looked at mei, and we both couldn't say a word! We walked out of the play, its the first ever play ive walked out of, to which our only regret was not leaving earlier. Usually no matter how bad, you wanna give it a chance or at least see how the story ends.

And for the first time, i couldnt say a word, all i did was groan, and sighed, over and over and over. It was such an "overwhelming" experience of displeasure. Im still shaking my head thinking about how bad it was. Well, if its one thing we knew, we had to give ourselves enormous amounts of pleasure to erase such negative emotions, so what did we do? have lasagna and choc nescafe ice blended at williams, of course. Ahhhhhhh

Every single play we've done or watch that we thought were horrible fades in comparison. Gosh, we have definitely got extremely talented people in MAM :) makes u appreciate it loads. I so feel like hugging all our lighting people, actors, SMs, ASM's...

If im ever in a play that bad, dont tell me its bad, just shoot me.

ps. thanks michael, love the thought hated the show.. :)

yours thanking God for a guy named william,
jess

pLeAsE gEt nAkED

dear jess,

As i start to take my clothes off i can feel the cold wind blow against my neck. No, this is far from a short porn romance, the irony of that statement, but hopefully just as daring. What does being nude feel like? In front of prying eyes? I start to shiver because as much of a beauty as people proclaim naked bodies to be, they are shameful. How can anything God create be a shame? As i stand there my mind takes me away to the days of Rome, when men's physique were worship and made statues of.

I look down, and i see that there have been spots and marks that ive never even notice were there before. Then i try to cry, but fail, the emotion seemingly stuck halfway in my throat. I curse, then the eyes, already staring at me with great piercing depth becomes fiery.

I think for an endless moment what i should do in this horrible situation. Having failed to come up with a solution, and being unable to run away my mind starts to wander.

No one is ever free to run naked without being ridiculed. Our bodies are a product of everyone else but us, what everyone thinks but us, we are never us. We never dare to be ourselves, we never say what we think and and we are never honest.

We never tell the guy who makes a mockery out of us at work how we feel, we never stand up for ourselves, we never move to make a difference in an ever suffering world although we dream it, we never tell our best friends that the shirt they wear makes them look like crap, we never, never, God forbid cross that line of social politeness and etiquette.

When we go to church we become even more a fake than we already are. We put our little halo's and sit on the pews, we smile and greet whilst at the back of our minds we think that we'd rather be in bed, or out bitching about the person we just wished good morning to. We put other people, religions and denominations down whilst we sit on that same pew, that has a stamp of how our butt looks like whilst people suffer all over the world, we say yes, lets love one another. We never tell others that we're struggling with issues of sex and porn because we'd rather be unreal than admit that we are forgiven humans.

We watch someone perform then say "good job" and try to smile, whilst hiding the obvious, we become trademarks of who our parents want us to be, and because we're too young or too insecure we never dare show them who we really are or what we really think of them, we never say no simply because we are tired or we just dont feel like seeing your face today. Instead we say yes, because we need to be nice.

We never let other people see us pick our noses, and we will never tell them straight to their faces that we dont like them.

We never, never take our clothes off in public. Because really its shameful. Isnt it?. We never notice what we really look like naked and we fear being honest with everyone and ourselves. We will never be who we really are, or even come close to knowing who we are, and we will always live within the barriers of social norms. We will never talk back to our parents or bosses, and they will never know how we really feel or think, allowing them to assume we are who they want us to be. And we always will, just be.

We will always hide underneath the big t-shirts and cute baby tee's that will clothe our bulging fats, and of course our... for the sake of being polite, i will restrain what i really want to say.

See? we will never be naked in public and create shock, but truthfulness. We will never be the person at our death, be spoken of as the one who spoke the truth, but instead we probably will be the one that was 'nice to everyone' and as everyone departs from our funeral, they'll go away thinking that we liked them.

We'd rather stride around in our clown suits, than proudly walk naked in public.

"As a gay man, ive found that its easier for me to get sex on the streets than to get a hug in church"

yours,
jess

a LoVe LeTtER..

dear jess,

i fear i have fallen out of love. Where once i would shiver with passion, i now shun in cold. Where once i would be jealous of everyone else being with him, i now am ignorant to his existance.

When i first met him, i was head, heels over him. I wanted him so much, i threw everything away, just to be with him. I waited a year, then i left what i knew, my job, and stepped into new unknown territory.

We always had our cherished times. We pursued the dream together. We went to auditions, we were there when mark, as much a novice as us was nominated at the first kakiseni awards!, when we first performed at bangsar, when joe hasham directed us, when we were sharing hugs with dato' rahim, a.k.a my bapak!, when we saw gavin put his skirt and heels on, when we saw edwin strutt along in his G-string (eew), when bernie shared make up tips with us, and so much more.

We were also there when directors screamed at us, when most auditions became rejections, when rehearsals finished at 1 and work began at 9 the next day. We were there when everyone we knew 'made it' but us.

He use to be able to give me chills. One that made me shudder with excitement of the very chance of performing, or just watching others perform. There is no other feeling like the feeling of the last 5 seconds before you go on stage. And that, that was what i used to live for, to feel the strike of fear of not being able to perform, and trying to rise above it. It was the high he gave me.

I ask myself if i still love him? I dont know, but i will always have a special place for the arts in my heart, and hopefully one day i will fall head and heals again.

The reward of art is not fame or success but intoxication: that is why so many bad artists are unable to give it up.
- Jean Cocteau

love,
jess

tEn tHinGs tO dO At 6.30aM

1-10 : gEt dReSsEd iN yOur dRamA cLassEs ChiEf fiRemEn's HaT & aXE. OfF tO fIGhT fIrE! TA!